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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

Still feeling totally sad and down. I'm numbing towards my wife and that makes me even sadder. I have tried and tried and tried with no success to make her change her mind. I have no other way to cope with this situation that I don't understand. I would have thought that after 15 years it was worth the effort to at least try.
 
After talking with my cousin last night, it is hard to describe how I'm feeling. I'm sure it is going to take several days for our conversation to sink in. I do know, off-hand, that I feel like the most heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

My cousin told me that at my mother's funeral, she asked my sister, where my brother and myself were. My sister's response was "later," in that there was going to be a memorial for my mother at her church of many years. My cousin told me that at the time she had a feeling, there would not be a memorial, and there wasn't.

Now, to see how dishonest my sister was then, and like my cousin said my fear of her was for self-perservation.

How to describe the feeling of finally being able to express my own feelings with another person which just so happens to be a relative about my family and feeling safe and heard!
 
I'm baffled by how hard I'm pushing myself to do get out of my house and have fun. My friends are having a party tonight. They do it every month, but I've not been since summer. I'm already fighting with myself to get out and go see the folks I've missed, and I'm still waking up. I'm going to do this, once I get out of the door it'll be a lot easier.
 
I"m feeling a touch sad, but elevated at the same time. Yesterday I got to do something good, and that elevated me. But today I'm paying for walking all that distance. I knew better, but I felt it was necessary. Mentally, I've accomplished a lot, so I'm feeling happy about that. I just wish physically I wasn't getting sicker. I'm able to do more now than I've been able to do in a long while, but each time that "thing" hits, I go down one more step. Sigh. Gosh, I hate cancer. Doctor D is coming out on Monday. He tried to call me a few minutes ago, but the phone cut off.
 

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