ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[LaurenZ123]

Hi MomOfTwo,

Your pain makes me so sad. You do not deserve to experience life the way you are experiencing it. At the same time, I can relate to nearly everything you have posted about here. The things you are often things I think and then say to myself "that is so weird, it makes no sense!" but when you say them, it does and I get it.

It is something I can control and I feel like it is something I am good at.

I get into my head that I just am taking up too much space and it feels overwhelming. I feel safer when I am smaller.

.

These are two thoughts I have often but always think are so strange. When you say them, I feel less alone/crazy.

Some times I think it is also a way of my saying no to life.

I absolutely relate to this. In college, I basically used starving myself until I was in danger of dying to "escape" from life. I am embarased to say that now, but it is the truth, and for some reason, at that point in time, life was too much for me to handle. Today I have that awareness and know that there really never is an escape. Life is still there so I can starve or not starve, and whatever I am running from will still be there at the end of the day. This motivates me on hard days, as depressing as it sounds.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way tonight <3

 

[MomOfTwo]

Hi MomOfTwo,


These are two thoughts I have often but always think are so strange. When you say them, I feel less alone/crazy.


I absolutely relate to this. In college, I basically used starving myself until I was in danger of dying to "escape" from life. I am embarased to say that now, but it is the truth, and for some reason, at that point in time, life was too much for me to handle. Today I have that awareness and know that there really never is an escape. Life is still there so I can starve or not starve, and whatever I am running from will still be there at the end of the day. This motivates me on hard days, as depressing as it sounds.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way tonight <3

Lauren,
I had a therapy session today and thanks to all of the discussion on this thread did talk about how my eating disorder has helped me cope and makes me feel better in the midst of everything. I told my therapist I feel safer not taking up too much space. It is almost like I feel mentally better if that makes sense. She asked me if I thought I was too thin and I said that everyone thinks I am but I never did answer her question.

I do have great comfort in knowing I am not alone in my thinking. It feels good just to be able to write what I cannot say to others. It feels good to read others writing on this thread and get it. I told my therapist that I have never been a drinker but feel I use my disordered way of thinking about food to cope in the same way a drinker would drink.

I stuff all my feelings and avoid anything uncomfortable or have in the past. I am working through some of these traumas and have had a lifetime of them and know that my eating disorder and other coping mechanisms kept me alive, kept me sane and think in some ways has been my friend. Which is another weird sort of thing to say but what I feel.

I do get everything you say and hope I can be a support for you too and everyone else here. I don't feel I have great strategies but am glad to be not walking this road alone and will walk with other survivors as well to just say I get it and you are not alone. This is a very lonely place to be. I feel accepted and not judged here.

I am so glad we have this thread on the PTSD forum. Sending you lots of positive thoughts as well...

 

[MomOfTwo]

My father controlled and manipulated all of my basic bodily functions and needs, eating and sleeping being greatest among them. When I feel most out of control of my world it is these very functions I so vigilantly control, just because I can, and now he can't...

That's right, starving myself. And now I feel like I can't tell anyone again.

This is the longest, loneliest road. Thanks for walking it with me.

Maddog

You are not walking alone. I am walking the same steps and dealt with my father controlling most of my world as well. I was with held food and was denied water and other basic necessities as a child. I learned to dissociate hunger, pain and so many other things. I was denied food unless I accomplished something. I still repeat these things and hear the voice in my head that tells me I am not deserving of food. It was ingrained in my childhood that I was not deserving. You did not deserve that. I did not deserve that. No child deserves that. Children deserve to feel safe, loved and comforted. You deserved that Maddog.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think it is all a matter of control. It is one thing we can control that no one else has to have say on. However, starving myself has not helped me. If anything it hinders my progress. I still gained weight(part of that is not being able to exercise). My body no longer can trust me with food or when it is getting fed again. It holds onto the fat. So I am told, around my organs to protect them. Once I start eating better, more often, I should start losing the weight around my middle. Funny how eating more is suppose to help me lose weight.

I think, other then the control, it is hurting myself. It is one way to do it that is socially acceptable. Denying myself feels like the "right" thing to do. Now I have to retrain my brain into doing what is healthy. This is not going to be an easy feat.

I am seeing a nutritionist who is helping me understand all of this. How years of starvation has damaged my body and mind. She is helping me take small steps to recovering. It is definitely a recovery. She is also going to be by my side throughout this process. I avoided seeing a nutritionist for a long time. After all I knew what to eat and not eat and portion control and so forth. I'm glad I finally went, after a little encouragement from Abstract I must say.

Now I need to use that control to get me to eat. Trust me, that will definitely take control on my part to overcome all the negative messages I'm dealing with in my head. I really thought the anorexic thoughts went away when I got fat. They are still lurking there. It helps reading that I am not alone.

 

[piratelady]

I think it is all a matter of control.

It helps me to think about eating as it still being in my control. For example, I am controlling if I will eat a pile of candy bars or a salad. I will choose what I will eat. Lately, I have finally been able to choose the healthier option.

The healthy foods that you should eat, and eat plenty of, are low calorie. Pull up a calorie counter on the internet and look up the calories in a snickers bar. Then look up the calories if you ate like 3 cups of green beans (or any non-starchy vegetable). You can eat A LOT of vegetables, and not get too many calories. That might help to control the worries in your head about eating enough food.

 

[Abstract]

I actually found it important to value all food and realise none of it is "bad". And I still find it important to not get hung up on calories.

And to focus on the fact that whether I like it or not or feel comfortable with it or not my body needs nutrition and nourishment. I am in a place where it is not a choice. It is something that is a must.

Isn't it sad how we all feel we don't deserve food or nutrition? :( As if anyone needs to deserve the most basic survival ingredients.

That others have made us feel this way is totally against basic humanity. Noone should ever need to do anything to earn the right to eat, drink or sleep. It is our right as human beings and we need to do nothing to have that right.

It is just part of being a human being and like it or not we are human.

 

[Britt.f7]

That might help to control the worries in your head about eating enough food.

I generally eat healthy but eat little and not high calorie. Not that I don't eat high calorie items, just not often. It is going to be an adjustment to get my brain on board with this. But I know it is to get me healthy. Control is definitely in play here.

I actually found it important to value all food and realise none of it is "bad". And I still find it important to not get hung up on calories.

That's the way I prefer to think. For that one year in my life that I had healthy thoughts about eating, that's how I thought. Finding my way back.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Just sending positive thoughts to everyone on this thread and those struggling with disordered thinking/feeling around food. This thread has been good to find comfort in those going through the same sort of thinking/feeling surrounding food.

I am trying so hard to drink more and the last couple of days I have. My husband bought several different loose leaf teas the other day so I treated myself to trying all of them. I may have had more caffeine then I should have though. I also went out for a walk with my twins in the stroller. I have not gone for a walk on my own with them for more than 2 years. I don't feel safe being out on my own and it is a bit of a struggle for me. Walking in my neighbourhood is hard because the person that was sexually harassing me at work knows where I live. He has a grandson that lives in the area as well and I have seen him around. I worry all the time about seeing him so I avoid leaving my house. I am feeling a bit proud of myself for leaving the house. I was bundled up like crazy so I do not think I would be recognizable though. It is very cold lately.

 

[LaurenZ123]

I told my therapist I feel safer not taking up too much space. It is almost like I feel mentally better if that makes sense.

I do have great comfort in knowing I am not alone in my thinking. It feels good just to be able to write what I cannot say to others. It feels good to read others writing on this thread and get it.

my eating disorder and other coping mechanisms kept me alive, kept me sane and think in some ways has been my friend. Which is another weird sort of thing to say but what I feel.

Hi MomOfTwo,
So sorry it's taken me so long to log back on here. Life has been a bit hectic this past week. I was thinking of you though! For real! I too find great comfort is feeling safe enough to say things I feel like no one else in the world will ever understand. I am so glad we have this space for that. A wish I have for you is that you don't feel so weird thinking/talking about how your eating disorder has been your friend in many ways. I know the same is true for me. When I was restricting badly, going to bed empty felt safe. It felt like a hug of sorts. I felt less alone. Same thing happens with purging. Once it's done, I feel like I can curl into bed safely, but before I do it its chaos! It's such a strange thing isn't it. Eating disorders really are baffling to me. How do we get hunger and hugs mixed up? How do we ,earn that we can get relief from these actions we take against our bodies. I get that they were adaptive at one time, because we had no other way to deal with trauma, but it's still both fascinating and EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING and even infuriating at times.

Sending lots of love (and imaginary hugs) your way <3
Lauren

 

[MomOfTwo]

Hi MomOfTwo,
So sorry it's taken me so long to log back on here. Life has been a bit hectic this past week. I was thinking of you though! For real! I too find great comfort is feeling safe enough to say things I feel like no one else in the world will ever understand.

Lauren

Lauren,
Sending you hugs too :) I have felt so alone in this as well and it is nice to know that all the craziness I feel is what others feel too. I think we have no choice but denial because those we love would not accept us for thinking that way. I could not share my thoughts with my family because when it comes down to the very essence of who I am they don't care to know me or who I am. I am glad I don't have to be in denial here and can just say how I feel without judgement. I think therapy has in some ways been so hard it is a way to cope. I had to see a psychiatrist recently so I could get a diagnosis and she did not just want one session. She did several at several hours each and wanted as much detail as possible. Having to say everything that happened to me that I was in denial of was too much. I did not tell my therapist all that stuff yet. A big report went to my doctor with all the details. I did not want him to have all the details in my history. I think that was a contributing factor to restricting again.

I have heard people talk about their eating disorder is their friend and I get that it is in the depths of despair it is the only thing that can make me feel good. It is comforting. I get why you feel at peace going to sleep feeling empty.

One of my problems is that my husband is an eater and he always wants to go out. I have such anxiety over that and will go but then eat little the next couple of days to make up for 'eating too much'. I do wish I did not have so much anxiety over eating and so many other things. I feel like some days I can be so good and proud that I ate 3 times a day and the next have so much anxiety that I did that so I need to restrict. Like I was a bad person for looking after myself.

I have had some positive attention as well over losing weight. I am not sure if other people get the same sort of thing.

I hope life being hectic is a good hectic :) take care and thanks so much for your support. :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

I remember an uncle tell me I looked "healthy" when I had gained some weight and was between 110 and 115. I wanted to cry. I thought healthy was another word for fat. That was back in my early twenties.

 

[piratelady]

Britt, I think my mom is like that too. She lost a lot of weight when she was younger due to a hyper-active thyroid. She was down to about 80 lbs. They fixed that and she got up to a healthy weight, but then she purposefully started doing things until she got back down to her old weight. We tried to tell her that when she is under 100 lbs she doesn't look as good and looks "healthier" at a higher weight. I think it just made her feel worse. She is finally at a very good weight, but she hates it and desperately wants to lose weight.