Megan Powell
New Here
Hello. I have never done this before and never have thought I would because I don't feel it is safe however, I need help and many supporters of combat veterans with PTSD say they find solace and help. So here it goes.
My husband and I are 25 years old. Very young. He was deployed to Afghanistan when he was 21 for 13 months as an interrogator. He was 21 and the military thought it would be a great idea to have him run sources (who some ended up being killed due to giving him information), finding IED's (and at one point found one of the largest holdings of weapons and bombs in his area), almost was kidnapped, constant fire fights, his "room" was mortared, and he was the only interrogator for his outpost.
My husband was the go to man he knew everything and had a ton of confidence, he was just that great guy who defended the weak and laughed and joked with anyone and everyone. He was well known to say the least. I verified. Well, because he was the only interrogator he had to do missions, watch post, and perform interrogations sometimes alone (he was allowed to grow a beard and practice customs that are against military code of conduct, he was fully immersed you could say) as well as fighting for his life and the lives of others.
He loved it at the time because he was going into SF so this just brought him one step closer. Thus sleeping never happened for him. Like so many others he lost two friends. He went through so much more than that due to where he was stationed.
So now? It took about 6 months for symptoms to settle in. Nothing big at first he would blackout when drunk (this was part was told to me by a friend who was there) and bang his head hard on the railing outside of his barracks, got into (at first for fun) a wrestling match which ended up with him biting his friend so hard it left a scar (he of course felt bad). He then stopped drinking.
When I moved to Texas he wasn't drinking and things were great. Then the lack of sleep started, which led to random spurts of small rages in the middle of the night. This then led to him saying he has a lot of lower back pain (which hasn't gotten to a point where he doesn't really do anything because of his back). Then full on rages started. Put his head through a wall, threw a lighter so hard it broke a double paned glass window, and just punched several holes in the walls of our apartment. That was just the beginning sadly. He would get "triggered" somehow and he would tell me there was something in the back of his head like a little ball that hurt and he felt that was where the rage was coming from.
He lost weight. At 5'7 he went from a muscular 135 to 118. And at one point it got down to 110. Finally, one day I was trying to encourage him to take his medication he got very angry and began tearing the room apart. We lived with his parents at the time and his dad was about to go in to stop him but I got in the middle between my husband and his father and I got lightly pushed. He was then admitted (after an evaluation) under a 51/50 hold.
He still to this day blames me and his bitter towards me about that and feels the only reason why he got put in there was because we were interrupting the admin nurse's lunch. When truth is when the nurse went to get a security guard (my husband is small but he is very strong and can fight and is very scary when angry) he told myself and another nurse he was going to tear the room apart. Worst 3 days of my life.
Now, flash forward. I live on pins and needles. I was pregnant at one point but had to get an abortion because he said he would leave me or worse hurt the child because he couldn't handle it. I chose my husband over new life and still don't know if it was right. His family knew and supported me the best they could. I also NEVER bring it up. EVER. His rages were something I was able to handle because I grew up in an abusive rage filled home due to alcohol both physically, emotionally, and at one point sexually. So I do know I come with my own very heavy baggage.
Anyway, this past year and a half the rages are no longer against the walls and objects. I am the enemy. He most recently took a high powered flash-light with the red lens on shined it in my eyes as I was laying on the couch trying to sleep (it was 1am and I had to be up at 5 for work) and started spraying water in my face telling me I was disgusting. He has called me dummy, stupid, c*nt, bitch, ugly, worthless, I suck at sex (when I countered that with we make love nearly everyday) he told me it was because I was the only one he can f*ck, I have been told I am conspiring against him, he has ZERO trust in me, I am f*cking with his mind, when I tell him I'm afraid of him he says he doesn't care (this happens during a bad rage), I am ruining his life and chipping away at him little by little and that I don't listen. Some of these are said often when I have done something to aggravate him most though is when he tries to fight me. I have learned to not say much because it just brings more trouble.
This past Monday I told him I have begun to hurt myself. He told me he didn't know what to do and asked if he was the cause. I told him he scares me and I am always wondering when a good day will turn bad, when angry he is cruel and I never know who to believe the kind, warm, fun, loving, gentle husband or the angry one? Which side of you is telling the truth? He said nothing (which is fine I told him something he couldn't have expected) but when he did he just said well you say mean things to. I asked (later in the conversation) if he would ever hurt me and he said 90% no and 10% yes. Then gave an example of when I told him (after another failed psych appt) that I felt he was so unwilling to get help he told me he wanted to choke me out and run the car off the road. Are these just fear tactics or does he mean it?
He kicks and punches our dog and it gets worse when he is in a rage and I have been dumb and put myself in the middle. Our dog is a Pit/Mastiff mix and the gentlest thing you will ever meet. These rages happen about once a month and I told him one more and I have to leave for my own safety. He agreed and seemingly was pushing it to happen. I know this paint a negative picture of my husband but I am hoping for some compassion since many of you know about PTSD.
Everyone who knows these things are pushing me to leave and I know I should but I can't. It isn't his fault (it is because he won't get help, the only help he wants is for his back, which he says will be the solution to everything) he is a great man and I love him very much and have been through a lot in my life so I am pretty strong but I am getting to a point where I just can't any more. But I keep pushing on in hopes that one day I can help him make a ladder and take it step by step out of this hellish hole. Please ask questions bc I have left out a lot but this post is long enough as is. Thank you for your support and I hope the rest of you are finding what you need as well.
My husband and I are 25 years old. Very young. He was deployed to Afghanistan when he was 21 for 13 months as an interrogator. He was 21 and the military thought it would be a great idea to have him run sources (who some ended up being killed due to giving him information), finding IED's (and at one point found one of the largest holdings of weapons and bombs in his area), almost was kidnapped, constant fire fights, his "room" was mortared, and he was the only interrogator for his outpost.
My husband was the go to man he knew everything and had a ton of confidence, he was just that great guy who defended the weak and laughed and joked with anyone and everyone. He was well known to say the least. I verified. Well, because he was the only interrogator he had to do missions, watch post, and perform interrogations sometimes alone (he was allowed to grow a beard and practice customs that are against military code of conduct, he was fully immersed you could say) as well as fighting for his life and the lives of others.
He loved it at the time because he was going into SF so this just brought him one step closer. Thus sleeping never happened for him. Like so many others he lost two friends. He went through so much more than that due to where he was stationed.
So now? It took about 6 months for symptoms to settle in. Nothing big at first he would blackout when drunk (this was part was told to me by a friend who was there) and bang his head hard on the railing outside of his barracks, got into (at first for fun) a wrestling match which ended up with him biting his friend so hard it left a scar (he of course felt bad). He then stopped drinking.
When I moved to Texas he wasn't drinking and things were great. Then the lack of sleep started, which led to random spurts of small rages in the middle of the night. This then led to him saying he has a lot of lower back pain (which hasn't gotten to a point where he doesn't really do anything because of his back). Then full on rages started. Put his head through a wall, threw a lighter so hard it broke a double paned glass window, and just punched several holes in the walls of our apartment. That was just the beginning sadly. He would get "triggered" somehow and he would tell me there was something in the back of his head like a little ball that hurt and he felt that was where the rage was coming from.
He lost weight. At 5'7 he went from a muscular 135 to 118. And at one point it got down to 110. Finally, one day I was trying to encourage him to take his medication he got very angry and began tearing the room apart. We lived with his parents at the time and his dad was about to go in to stop him but I got in the middle between my husband and his father and I got lightly pushed. He was then admitted (after an evaluation) under a 51/50 hold.
He still to this day blames me and his bitter towards me about that and feels the only reason why he got put in there was because we were interrupting the admin nurse's lunch. When truth is when the nurse went to get a security guard (my husband is small but he is very strong and can fight and is very scary when angry) he told myself and another nurse he was going to tear the room apart. Worst 3 days of my life.
Now, flash forward. I live on pins and needles. I was pregnant at one point but had to get an abortion because he said he would leave me or worse hurt the child because he couldn't handle it. I chose my husband over new life and still don't know if it was right. His family knew and supported me the best they could. I also NEVER bring it up. EVER. His rages were something I was able to handle because I grew up in an abusive rage filled home due to alcohol both physically, emotionally, and at one point sexually. So I do know I come with my own very heavy baggage.
Anyway, this past year and a half the rages are no longer against the walls and objects. I am the enemy. He most recently took a high powered flash-light with the red lens on shined it in my eyes as I was laying on the couch trying to sleep (it was 1am and I had to be up at 5 for work) and started spraying water in my face telling me I was disgusting. He has called me dummy, stupid, c*nt, bitch, ugly, worthless, I suck at sex (when I countered that with we make love nearly everyday) he told me it was because I was the only one he can f*ck, I have been told I am conspiring against him, he has ZERO trust in me, I am f*cking with his mind, when I tell him I'm afraid of him he says he doesn't care (this happens during a bad rage), I am ruining his life and chipping away at him little by little and that I don't listen. Some of these are said often when I have done something to aggravate him most though is when he tries to fight me. I have learned to not say much because it just brings more trouble.
This past Monday I told him I have begun to hurt myself. He told me he didn't know what to do and asked if he was the cause. I told him he scares me and I am always wondering when a good day will turn bad, when angry he is cruel and I never know who to believe the kind, warm, fun, loving, gentle husband or the angry one? Which side of you is telling the truth? He said nothing (which is fine I told him something he couldn't have expected) but when he did he just said well you say mean things to. I asked (later in the conversation) if he would ever hurt me and he said 90% no and 10% yes. Then gave an example of when I told him (after another failed psych appt) that I felt he was so unwilling to get help he told me he wanted to choke me out and run the car off the road. Are these just fear tactics or does he mean it?
He kicks and punches our dog and it gets worse when he is in a rage and I have been dumb and put myself in the middle. Our dog is a Pit/Mastiff mix and the gentlest thing you will ever meet. These rages happen about once a month and I told him one more and I have to leave for my own safety. He agreed and seemingly was pushing it to happen. I know this paint a negative picture of my husband but I am hoping for some compassion since many of you know about PTSD.
Everyone who knows these things are pushing me to leave and I know I should but I can't. It isn't his fault (it is because he won't get help, the only help he wants is for his back, which he says will be the solution to everything) he is a great man and I love him very much and have been through a lot in my life so I am pretty strong but I am getting to a point where I just can't any more. But I keep pushing on in hopes that one day I can help him make a ladder and take it step by step out of this hellish hole. Please ask questions bc I have left out a lot but this post is long enough as is. Thank you for your support and I hope the rest of you are finding what you need as well.
