Painting, Drinking, Depressed

[71nothing]

I guess I have to admit to myself that I have been depressed the last few days. I want so badly to fight it off. I hate feeling overpowered by anything including depressed feelings.

I woke this morning with a positive outlook and positive thoughts. I had a helpful therapy session last night to help me get to that point. I survived my morning at work and even didn't mind being there. By afternoon I was slipping again. I withdrew for awhile; shutting my office door in the afternoon but was able to bring myself out so as not to make my depression worse by isolating myself.

I came home, made dinner, and felt very dissociated. I had a drink. I felt very unsettled. I took a drink to my room and decided to paint.

I haven't painted in years. Feelings of depression have overcome me triggered by painting and memories that rushed back with it. I can't cry. I never can. I wish I could release in that way.

I know what I should do. I should go downstairs and be with my family. I'm frozen. I can't do it. I wish I could express myself through painting like I did when I was younger but I seem to have lost that ability as well. I can only express myself with writing and even then I'm short on words to describe what's in my head.

I hate this feeling. I hate knowing what I should do and being unable to make myself move. I hate being depressed but I hate being dissociated too. I'm not sure which is worse. Drinking doesn't help but its too late for tonight. I've already started. I hate being trapped and that's what I feel right now.

 

[Abstract]

Hi 71,

I am so sorry. This sounds very painful. You have a lot on your plate at present already too.

What I find best when like that is to do bad poetry. Just words that express my feelings and in as raw a way as possible. Could you also do something comforting for yourself? If it was a daughter or niece who felt like that then what would do for her?

Take care.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hi 71,

I am sorry you are feeling that way. I think you expressed your pain very well and I am happy you want to paint. I get creative during depressed too. I find I can't find the words to express my pain but I can find them in other ways. Will you do painting or writing?

Take care.

 

[71nothing]

Thanks.

Poetry is a good idea. Or just writing random words may help. Posting above helped a bit. I traded my drink for a glass of water. I came out of my room but isolated myself in the hot, whirlpool tub. The sound is soothing.

I appreciate having this forum to reach out to people. It's such a lonely existence.

 

[JennyRichards]

You need to be more social. Your condition will be continued if you stay lonely. You need to interact with people or spend time with kids. They can cheer up your mind. Go to the places which would make you happy.

 

[71nothing]

You need to interact with people or spend time with kids.

Thanks. I actually spend my days with kids (I work with at-risk preschoolers) and I have five teenagers of my own at home. I agree that they are a great distraction and I love being around them most of the time.

I'm around people all the time but that doesn't take away the lonliness. I think the lonliness stems from nobody having an understanding of what is in my head rather than from literally being alone.

 

[nimkekaa]

I'm around people all the time but that doesn't take away the lonliness. I think the lonliness stems from nobody having an understanding of what is in my head rather than from literally being alone.

I can relate to this. I have always been around people and been very cheery and outgoing but that is the mask I where. The pain that I felt inside that I was too ashamed to share made me feel so alone. Now that I have shared my pain and understand that the shame is not mine I don't feel as alone.

It can be hard but you can get through this.

 

[Abstract]

lonliness stems from nobody having an understanding of what is in my head rather than from literally being alone

I totally relate. The loneliest thing ever for me is being around people and needing to put up a front. I am far less lonely on my own.

 

[71nothing]

The loneliest thing ever for me is being around people and needing to put up a front. I am far less lonely on my own.

So true. Or being around people and completely dissociated.

 

[piratelady]

I hate being trapped and that's what I feel right now.

I can relate to this feeling. I have felt trapped. For me it almost creates this sense of urgency to try to fix it, but because you are trapped, you can't fix it.

Then add to that having to put up the happy or at least "okay" front with people just adds to the loneliness. It's just a very bad combination of feelings and difficult to fix.