Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[WillThereBeCake]

I know I will be punished though if I return, which is what is mainly keeping me away now.

Yes, that is a very real possibility, either emotional or physically in some cases. I've found that a lot of the dynamic when people play all those ugly games is that the biggest "sinner" is the one who just refuses to play. I never did anything mean or spiteful when I left, but boy, you would have thought I was the Wicked Witch of the East. I had to harden myself against the urge to go defend myself, but that is exactly what they wanted. They will bait you with everything they've got. They don't care if you're happy, or miserable, as long as you're in the game. It's like a cat playing with a mouse.

It really is a sick and unhealthy dynamic, and like that mouse, your only option is escape or death (at least on the inside).

 

[Pencil]

the biggest "sinner" is the one who just refuses to play.

You are so right! You've got them figured! OMG, I should have 'met' you years ago. I had to go through drama again and again before this was beaten into my thick skull! And this is exactly how my sister thinks: Just because I don't want to have contact with her, she involves social services, the police, the minister, my friends, my colleagues, the extended family, my daughter's school, my daugther's friends' parents - LITERALLY, I'm not exaggerating!

And all I can think is 'Boy! Did I make the right decision!!!' So how stupid ARE they???

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I'm a newbie to PTSD, but I think I've earned an honorary doctorate in this sick subject.

Pencil, I wish I was shocked, but I have seen some pretty crazy stuff that these people will do just to get you back to the playing field. I won't even elaborate on some of the stuff my family pulled because it is so completely out there, even I have a hard time believing it. My mother would do anything and everything just trying to get me to call and yell at her. Like a four year old wanting negative attention, she didn't care, as long as I would call. I never did.

Bat Shit Crazy: O Sanity: 1

 

[Philippa]

Yes, that is a very real possibility, either emotional or physically in some cases.

It only ever graduated to physical abuse when I flipped out one day from stopping my meds abruptly, and wigged out over my wine being stolen by my mother. It was a petty reason, but I have never lost it so much, and my father retaliated by slapping me hard across the face and pinning me down on the couch until I had no choice but to submit. He was too strong. He hit me a few times...but that was an odd day. Emotional abuse is the main form they rely on. My mother is already treating me like I don't exist again, after I expressed my anger at her for her playing her f*cked up game of saying she will do something, and then turning around and renigging on it later, after I've gotten my hopes up. She has done that so many times now that I just lost it at her.

I've found that a lot of the dynamic when people play all those ugly games is that the biggest "sinner" is the one who just refuses to play.

Well then, I must be the devil.

I never did anything mean or spiteful when I left, but boy, you would have thought I was the Wicked Witch of the East.

Yes, I'm fairly sure they think I'm possessed by the devil now. My brother told me my behavior was "atrocious" just by not calling them. They've always acted like assholes and then turned around and had the gaul to make me out to be the horrible one whenever I do something so bad as self-protect.

I had to harden myself against the urge to go defend myself, but that is exactly what they wanted. They will bait you with everything they've got. They don't care if you're happy, or miserable, as long as you're in the game. It's like a cat playing with a mouse.

I've had my father and brother on block for a while now, so it has been peaceful, but they don't know where I live, as I moved and didn't leave a forwarding address. I bought a new phone with a new SIM card, and have not yet been able to fully throw my other phone away...but I'm getting closer.

It really is a sick and unhealthy dynamic, and like that mouse, your only option is escape or death (at least on the inside).

Even if I did initially act from a place of wanting them to change or else...I know now that if I go back it will be far worse for me than it ever was. I told my other brother that if I hear him trying any of his humiliation tactics or being mean to me in any way, then I'm walking away just like that. I got in touch with him last week on a weak moment of drunkenness and wanting to speak to him.

He is actually the meanest of them all, but I have the hardest time detaching from him, as he is my youngest brother, and we always had a strong bond. He's not the same as he used to be though, and he's not good for me to be around. He hasn't replied to me email and I told him this over a week ago. I'm guessing he got the message, and he knows what an a-hole he can be. I don't want to hear him apologize one more time though...his words mean nothing.

 

[SweatpantsHairTied]

do you have a therapist or some one who you can talk to about this? They could help prevent a full break and maybe turn it around so that any break you do have could be therapeutic and could help rather than hinder you?

I've had difficulty finding a therapist who was a good match (i.e. respectful, understanding, non judgmental). My last experience in particular burned me out and I've been hesitant to try someone new for fear of regressing. I think part of the problem was the fact that the centers were low cost, so right now I'm saving up to pay someone out of pocket. In terms of others, I've always been the caretaker in my friendships. I don't have anyone in my life who would stick around if I opened up about anything negative on my end.
I like what you said about a break being therapeutic rather than hindering. That's a good way to think about it.

You've been through the hardest part now so hold on to that, even if now you're exhausted everything does feel so terribly burdening

That's the crazy part to me. I'm no longer living in that household, no longer being abused, etc. so why do I still feel so bad? It's like I can't convince my mind that we're in the present, not the past.

But one thing: a relationship leading to marriage; when you find that person, they won't care and they will understand this: You haven't let down one or two families, rather they've let you down.

Sometimes I worry that once someone knows that much about me, that they'll use it to manipulate. I want to trust so badly, but I'm afraid I'll pick someone just like my father. Has anyone had any luck overcoming trust issues? Or have any "tests" they give to figure out if someone is sincere?

The one thing I was thinking I should have mentioned in this thread was to be sure that you are truly trying to make a break, and not just issuing some kind of action ultimatum hoping they will change.

Valid. In my case I think I'm aware that they won't change and don't want their influence in my life anymore...I don't think that I could forgive them if I tried with everything I have. It's just grieving my childhood that gets me. I used to tell people that I had a good childhood (citing extracurriculars) and say that I was lucky that the adoption gave me the opportunity to go to a good school, live in a safe area, etc. It shouldn't be so hard to admit that I was fighting to stay sane, hurt deeply and repeatedly by the people who were supposed to protect me, and never had a real/healthy example of love. It's almost embarassing that it's so difficult to face everything...it makes me feel weak...but that's where I'm at, at the moment.

It had to be clean and complete if you truly want to break. There are too many reasons (birthdays, illness, death) that you can kid yourself into thinking you'll just do that part and separate yourself from the rest.

YES. Originally I was thinking I would send a card on holidays - without a return address - just so they would know I'm alive. But you're right, I would still be emotionally captive that way.

Over the past week I've been quietly getting everything together to make my escape. I've narrowed it down to two names (for the legal change), have contacted anyone in the state that I felt like I should reach out to beforehand, and am patiently waiting for an apartment to open up so I can move to an unknown address. Then it's just filing the paperwork, getting the judge to approve the name change, and changing my phone number and email. It's so surreal.

 

[Pencil]

Hi Sweatpants, I'm glad you're back, and I apologise for not writing the response I said you deserved. I realise that I'm emotionally avoiding this topic as it gets to me.

That's the crazy part to me. I'm no longer living in that household, no longer being abused, etc. so why do I still feel so bad? It's like I can't convince my mind that we're in the present, not the past.

I got myself into an argument on the thread 'Cheating is as bad as rape' (or something like that) about something related to this issue. My take on this is that in MY life (making it very clear that I'm referring to my subjective position on this) shit happened. It's over. Some of those people are dead and gone. I've forgiven them. I've laid the matters to rest. I've put the baby to bed. Right. And now? I'm still a mess. Not because I did not deal with it successfully, or because it is not in the past. The problem is that these things change who we are. I have attachment problems. I can deal with trauma for the next 40 years but it is NOT going to make a difference to my inability to attach, to trust, to relax, to stay connected. I also have stupid and hectic problems with physical contact - I can't bear being touched - to the extent that my daughter's father is the only other human being I've touched in more than ten years. (Hit and run, obviously, and in a sense part of the symptoms, but let me not go there, my daughter does not deserve her existence being treated like this). I am affectionate with my daughter, and quite physical, but only on my terms, in my time, and only up to a point.

I'm referring to my life to illustrate what I mean. Although the incidents and conditions are in the past, the long term changes in one's personality will unfortunately NOT disappear when you cut ties with them. This is where the hard work starts. Whatever my diagnosis is (here I'm careful not to call it PTSD, which is only half the story, or complex trauma, which does not exist as a diagnosis), the PTSD symptoms, such as flashbacks, blah blah, are a minor. It is the pervasive relational problems that affect me most.

It's so surreal.

Of course it is! You are dealing with a whole identity issue!

 

[Pencil]

It's over. Some of those people are dead and gone. I've forgiven them. I've laid the matters to rest. I've put the baby to bed

This is actually not quite true. The fact is that I can't get to the point where I can effectively deal with it as my attachment problems turn therapy into a circus. I need to deal with the long lasting effects first before I can start dealing with the events. So, in the mean time, I ignore it as best I can and tell myself it happened, it's over, if I'm not over it I should get over it, right? Wrong.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

What I identified in myself was that I was almost sabotaging every relationship (friends and romantic) in some perverse way to force people into tough positions just to see if they would do the right thing, unlike my family had always done. This was wrong and manipulative on my part, but I didn't know how to respond to "healthy" people. I had to have a dis-function in order to function. I hope that makes sense. In any case, I knew that I had to put the past truly in the past and learn new ways of interacting with people. I couldn't keep reaching back hoping for apologies, or that my "trainers" would change and somehow give me new habits.

This is about each person taking control of their own lives. You can't change the past, and this is only about changing the future.

I would also like to add that while changing names, address and contact info is helpful, you must also be prepared about what you will do if they do find you. You have to be assertive, and sometimes aggressive, in putting your foot down and utilizing the laws in your area. My area has clear cut laws about stalking, trespassing, electronic contact, etc. Be sure to know what your laws are and use them.

Just because someone shares a bloodline does not entitle them to any access to you in the eyes of the law (unless you're a minor, but we're talking about adult separation by choice here).

Stand your ground. Take back you!

 

[Pencil]

I've had difficulty finding a therapist who was a good match (i.e. respectful, understanding, non judgmental). My last experience in particular burned me out and I've been hesitant to try someone new for fear of regressing.

One of the 'diagnostic criteria' (just kidding here) for complex trauma seems to be 'treatment failure'. It is such a shame that we struggle so much to get help.

 

[ms spock]

I've made up my mind that it's something that I have to do for my physical and mental well being. However, I'm nervous to officially take the plunge. I think mostly because others will judge and condemn me for it.

In Australia there was a study last year that came out that 1 in 8 people in Australia are estranged from a family member.

I did it.

I struggle in myself still but it takes time to heal.

Yes, Safenow, YES!

It is used as a form of abuse as well. As if the person SHOULD HAVE forgiven.

I don't believe in forgiveness, not after growing up in the Catholic Church and seeing "Forgiveness" used to cover over a multitude of crimes again and again.

I think it is rather manipulative myself.

 

[Philippa]

In Australia there was a study last year that came out that 1 in 8 people in Australia are estranged from a family member.

I'm still astounded by those stats. I can believe it though. So many people I've met have broken away from their crazy families and not regretted it. Some of them go back when they need help with something, and I wonder if I will be able to last the rest of my life without them? I'm doing so well so far...but the internal struggle is the hardest thing I've ever had to live with. It's unbearable at times, I have to admit.

The thought that I am making them worry and causing them suffering is very hard to bare, even though they are totally oblivious and don't even care how much harm and damage and suffering they've caused me over the years. I'm just not like them...I do have empathy still and I do think about and consider other peoples feelings. I don't like to hurt anyone, if I can help it...but I'm over being the one people just shit on and then blame for being the bad seed, and the problem.

It didn't help that I watched the young turks show the other day and this exact subject came up, and the main guy there said that if the child has been physically or sexually abused, then they don't owe their parents anything and cutting ties is totally the right thing to do and appropriate, but if it is 'just emotional or psychological abuse' then the person needs to just suck it up "because they're your family for christ sakes".

Didn't help matters at all.

I would also like to add that while changing names, address and contact info is helpful, you must also be prepared about what you will do if they do find you. You have to be assertive, and sometimes aggressive, in putting your foot down and utilizing the laws in your area. My area has clear cut laws about stalking, trespassing, electronic contact, etc. Be sure to know what your laws are and use them.

Thanks for this. I've been thinking about this lately as it happens. My conclusion was the same, but the thought of it made me lose all my confidence in what I'm doing this for, and playing out scenarios of what I would say if confronted by any of them as to why I am doing this, left me unsure if I'd be able to say anything that made any sense at all, and started to spiral into wondering what the hell I'm doing here, and do I really have any case at all...and then minimizing kicked in.

I'm so sick of this back and forth between myself. It's driving me nuts.

Just because someone shares a bloodline does not entitle them to any access to you in the eyes of the law (unless you're a minor, but we're talking about adult separation by choice here).

This has been the basic message I've been driving home to my father...that he isn't entitled to my time, or personal space, or company, just because he considers me 'his' property, and he certainly cannot expect me to want to hang out with him, when he has spent his life belittling and laughing at me every time I try to express feeling upset at his harmful actions, or humiliating me in front of his friends, as he did my mother. I did what she could not bring herself to do, which is tell him to go f*ck himself.

Stand your ground. Take back you!

:)

 

[WillThereBeCake]

playing out scenarios of what I would say if confronted by any of them as to why I am doing this,

Who said you have to explain why you're doing anything? If this is truly the right step for you the only "explanations" would be, "Get off my property!", "Do not contact me again!" or "GFYS!"

Again, I am not pushing anyone to do this, only giving the steps I have taken for those that truly want to make a complete break. If you are ready, there will be no further discussions with these people. All that does is open yourself up to false promises, or more likely, reasons why you are to blame, etc. If you are truly done, the only thing left if for them to catch a clue. Every violation of your wishes should make you more angry and determined, and show you that you obviously made the right choice of ridding yourself of people that do not respect your boundaries. Their feelings about your choices are irrelevant.