What I identified in myself was that I was almost sabotaging every relationship (friends and romantic) in some perverse way to force people into tough positions just to see if they would do the right thing, unlike my family had always done.
I do something similar. I don't do it so much through actions, but if I'm unsure about someone I'm getting to know I'll drop a piece of information to see how they react. Something along the lines of a relative in the hospital or even reference something a friend (who I don't identify) went through in the past. Then I read that person's face, vocal tone, and body language. If it seems like they could care less, I'll keep the relationship more superficial (discussions of celebrities, weather, etc.) If they pull away from me with their body language, I assume that they can't emotional handle anything deep/negative and from there on out I'm civil but keep a safe distance. I think when you grew up in a home where your family said something loving but did something abusive, it can be hard to really discern who you're dealing with. Cake, I'm not sure if we're talking about the same thing, but if you weren't trying to hurt anyone or doing it solely for amusement purposes, from your perspective where does the manipulation come into play?
One of the 'diagnostic criteria' (just kidding here) for complex trauma seems to be 'treatment failure'. It is such a shame that we struggle so much to get help.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to get that emotional support outside of therapy. Having someone get to know you, telling them something that makes you feel "damaged", and having them still love/care about you just as much after the fact seems like a powerful thing. From my perspective, therapy would be good to get things off my chest, learn about things I'm doing subconsciously, and learn coping techniques. However, I'm not sure that I would ever feel acceptance or genuine validation because a little voice in my head would remind me that as a therapist they're getting paid to be there. Which sounds awful. But as an example, they've always said "it's not your fault" before I even told them what had happened. Which makes me think that they just say that because they believe they're supposed to, and ironically makes me feel like it
is my fault.
The idea that we can choose families, or create a family, or that friends can become like family only goes that far.
I think the only way to have friends that are really like family is to become friends with people with a similar history. I think in theory, without family communication you need more from friends and possibly hold them to a higher standard. If someone has a similar history, they understand why it's important to be reliable, etc. in a friendship and are going to make an effort not to inflict hurt since they're very aware of what pain feels like.
I try to avoid exaggeration, but don't think I am when I say that had I not rid myself of them, I probably wouldn't be here.
One of the amazing things about talking (typing) about this with other people, is how much comes to the surface that you didn't realize was buried. My relatives are aware of at least half of my traumas because they were either there causing them or were around enabling. Because so much has happened, I've encounted a couple of people over the years who didn't believe me which really hurt. All that to say, maybe there was also a fear of cutting ties because I wanted someone in my life who knew what happened and thus believed me. Don't know if anyone identifies with this.
It is easy to say: 'Just cut ties and get out'. It is not that simple. It is not a case of having a bad situation and a healthy, happy life on the other, and having to choose between the two. That would be a no-brainer and the easiest thing in the world to do.
Coming from a toxic family, you are often confronted with TWO negatives.
YES.
Anyone who has suffered long term systematic abuse at the hands of their family needs to adopt some sensible absolute rules about who to screen out of the running for friends (partners, new family etc.) for safety - but it can be done.
Any suggestions are more than welcome! :)
Wishing you the best Pencil. I wish I had something really profound and enlightening to say. What I will say is if you feel bad, guilty, shameful, etc. that you're feeling the way you do, please remember how much strength you have. The fact that you're still living, trying to better yourself, being a great mother, offering kind words to strangers, etc. is a clear example of that. There are so many people in this world who couldn't have gone through what you have and survived, which is a testament to who you are.
