Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[WillThereBeCake]

I apologize for my little typos. Should teach me not to post until I've had my coffee. I is edubicated, really I is. ;)

 

[Pencil]

mind games is such a pedestrian description

YES!

 

[Amanda M]

I completely cut off my abuser and her half of the family when they refused to believe me when I confronted them about her abuse. It was completely the right decision. And when I started therapy and told my therapist about it, she agreed with me that it was the right thing to do. It is far more painful to hang out to an abusive family or person hoping that they will change than to admit it and let them go. Let go of the wish that your abuser will ever be the parent/loved one you entirely deserved and try to move on. I like to think about the Buddhist concept that all pain comes from desire. Wishing things would be different from how they are also causes you pain. Cutting ties and moving on is very healing. At least, it was for me.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I agree that it is better to not get entangled in all that in the first place, it's just not so easy to do. There is no point in looking back at it, but I feel like I would have been stronger about it if I'd just done it when my instincts were telling me to, instead of hanging in there and running back to them when I was very wounded and depressed, for that familiarity. That is what stuffed me up and made it harder...plus my determination to transform things and create better relationships. Coming to terms with understanding that it's impossible unless both parties actually want to change things was the hard part for me.

 

[SweatpantsHairTied]

I completely cut off my abuser and her half of the family when they refused to believe me when I confronted them about her abuse.

Good for you, Amanda. I wish that I had had that strength and perspective. It wasn't even a completely conscious thought for me when I moved away, that I was staying in contact with my abusers and their enablers when I didn't have to. Now that I have a little more awareness, it shocks me the number of things that were done/said that I brushed off as normal.

Wishing things would be different from how they are also causes you pain.

YES.

In retrospect, I am kind of thankful that it was so over the top because it made it a lot easier to identify it as a dysfunction that was not the normal "bumps" that families sometimes endure, and made it easier to abandon it.

Sometimes I feel so dim. The dysfunction was so extreme in my family, I don't know how I managed not to see how over the top it was. Since I surrounded myself with friends who were also toxic, I managed to convince myself that that's how the world was and the only way to deal with it was to suck it up. I don't mean to sound like I'm playing the victim. But saying typing these things, acknowledging that they're facts, and not trying to downplay them feels surprisingly healing. And hopefully it will mentally help me separate the reality of my past from my present and future. Alice Miller has a great book that talks about carrying our inner dialogue from a traumatic childhood into our adult lives, and using those same rationalizations even though we're not in immediate danger anymore. Someone else may know the clinical term for this.

Fear is a problem for me. When I was younger, every time when I was comfortable, happy, and let myself be vulnerable in some way, something severe happened to bring it all crashing down. When I'm in my element I'm actually a pretty positive, easily amused, frequently smiling human being. I'm afraid to be like that consistently and I'm afraid of lowering my walls. Which is a huge flaw of mine and something I need to work on. It's gotten to the point where I self-sabotage relationships with acquaintances (the ones who I instictively know are people that I can trust and be myself with), because letting anyone more than 25% of the way in feels like I'm putting myself in danger. It sounds crazy in a sense, but maybe someone can relate?

Ironically when I was seeing a grief counselor years ago, she pointed out that I had a difficult time expressing anger. I've read enough to know that if anger isn't expressed, it's turned back on yourself in the form of shame, depression, etc. Well the last time I talked to a relative and recognized the mind games I got angry. Raised my voice, temperature rose, etc. That reaction in myself terrifies me, but the more I continue to process and face reality the more it's going to happen. Because my biological mother is who she is and my adoptive father is violent/abusive, I'm worried that when I free myself (cut everyone off) and start to discover who I really am, it'll turn out that I'm a violent, awful human being at the core. Realistically I don't have nature or nurture on my side, and I've been so in denial about the people in my family. I can't help but wonder if I've convinced myself that I'm a nice person, or if despite everything that that's genuinely my spirit.

Sorry all, wasn't planning on that turning into a rant. Feel free to ignore the ramblings if need be :)

 

[ms spock]

Fear is a problem for me. When I was younger, every time when I was comfortable, happy, and let myself be vulnerable in some way, something severe happened to bring it all crashing down. When I'm in my element I'm actually a pretty positive, easily amused, frequently smiling human being. I'm afraid to be like that consistently and I'm afraid of lowering my walls. Which is a huge flaw of mine and something I need to work on. It's gotten to the point where I self-sabotage relationships with acquaintances (the ones who I instictively know are people that I can trust and be myself with), because letting anyone more than 25% of the way in feels like I'm putting myself in danger. It sounds crazy in a sense, but maybe someone can relate?

Oh I can completely relate!

 

[jmni]

What do you say when people ask you if you get along with your family?

I think it's a strange question and it makes me feel uncomfortable when people ask me. I never ask that to anyone. It makes me feel like they know more about me than I want them to know.

Generally I say yes. They live in another state. It's none of their business really. I would only share my history with someone I was very close to and perceived having a future with or a need to tell about my personal life.

 

[Pencil]

JMNI, I agree. The moment you criticize your family people look at you as if YOU have something wrong with you. Whenever (in the past, when I was stupid) I tried to tell people about my sister's destructive and insane behaviour, I would get the reaction along the lines of 'well, she must have reason to ...". I've given up completely.

 

[ms spock]

It is best not to discuss your crazy and destructive family.

I am feeling okay with not having my sadistic family in my life today. I feel good about it actually. I feel acceptance and like I have let go of it, for now anyway.

 

[Philippa]

I was feeling fine about it until I read a post on my newsfeed from True Activist stating that "It only takes a simple phone call to make your parents happy" and then underneath it read "They didn't abandon you when you were little, so don't abandon them" Which was a mindf*&@!

It took me a few hours to get back to the point of feeling ok again and that I made the right decision and I'm not just loathesome. I also read the comment section, and it was overwhelming the amount of people who came forward and admitted to being estranged from their families and basically giving the site the middle finger and saying things like "Actually, they did abandon me" or "I moved to another country to get away from them, they can wipe their own asses" or "Screw them, I don't owe those abusers anything".

That helped.:D

 

[WillThereBeCake]

The most valuable response that I have learned to give to any intrusive question is, "Why do you ask?" I've found that most nosy people are either 1) Trying to find something to criticize me about or 2) Are looking for a way to make the conversation all about them. They are probably dealing with some crap with their own family that is on their mind when they ask, or they already know a bit about my estranged family and are just looking for some juicy gossip. Either way, I put it back on them and watch them flounder as they try to come up with an explanation as to why they are asking such a stupid question which is none of their business.

If you don't have the time or energy to deal with these people, the other response, whenever anyone asks you anything that makes you uncomfortable is to turn and simply say, "Nunya!". They will usually say, "Nunya?" and you say, "Yeah, it's Nunya business".

 

[ms spock]

Good strategies WillThereBeCake!