Attachment Issues

[Pencil]

Really she should not be initiating physical contact without checking if it is Ok with you. And I hope you manage to tell her as it is great practice sharing with others what is important to us as unless we speak they do not know.

Abstract

This is a difficult one. My very sick sister contacted my daughter's school with her usual story: I am completely out of control, I am a danger to myself, my daughter and society at large, my daughter's life is in imminent danger. My daughter is in her second year at school, and as always, no-one has seen anything that might look like abuse, neglect, danger, whatever. But, legally the school has to investigate. (You may remember that I've been similar things with the church, the police, social services, my daughter's two pre-schools.)

During my first meeting with the counselor she took my hand between hers - I wasn't paying attention and didn't see it coming, and I jerked my hand away so violently that she became uncomfortable, then I felt like an idiot. So, to calm both of us down :oops: I placed my hand on hers and apologized. The thing is just that I don't want to draw attention to my 'problem', it would serve no purpose, and I don't think it would be in my best interests.

And this serves once again to underscore the importance of boundaries in all relationships.

 

[maddog]

Hashi, as I read your last post I wanted to quote each paragraph, until I reached the end and realised I just wanted to quote it all and say "yes, yes, how could you have nailled it so exactly..."

And what you added Pencil sealed the deal. I'm sorry - feel dumb and exhausted and know that I can't meet you guys in the middle on this, or any other, topic right now, but it almost literally makes me cry right now to read this thread - both with the grief and struggle of it all, and the validation that comes with the almost disbelief of realising I'm not alone.

I think I am feeling two seemingly contradictory things right now, things which feel like critical and fundamental conclusions about our relationship. I think I'm realising that the attachment is stronger and more enduring than any obstacle or challenge that we're likely to endure, and yet, simultaneously, I think I'm realising that the pain and conflict and fear and anguish of being part of a relationship of that magnitude (to me) is perhaps more than I have the emotional capacity to deal with right now.

In some twisted, horrible way, feeling more security, a little like the old familiar security, in our relationship today hurt even more, because it made me realise that even in the midst of a relationship that is able to weather the storms of time and therapy and whatever else, I am so insecure, so afraid, so torn and so exhausted from the effort that just being there and part of it feels unbearable.

I don't think that made any sense. I wish something did.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

Hi Pencil,

That sounds really awful about your sister. :( I knew it was bad but not that it was still at this level. I can understand your approach totally. And I can see why you don't feel she is a therapist.

Shall answer more but just wanted to answer one or two things Hashi said before her appointment tomorrow...oops today. Relevant to whole topic me hopes.

Things sound really hard for you at present Hashi. All the things you have been writing describe it well. The trauma work seems to be bringing up a lot of horrible feelings and some old and new coping methods. And I so understand the direct link to trauma stuff.

And you hit on the exactly the problem when you talk about trusting ones reactions or not. If we could know straight off what the likely truth (from each persons perspective) is, upfront, it would make deciding on the correct best direction or action so much easier! But it is never that simple in my experience. It's more like a chaotic, turbulent storm of emotions and thoughts - pain, fear or anger. I feel like I can't think or even see straight and sometimes as if I am coming apart. The thing is that regardless of if we are getting the therapists motivation wrong or not we still feel how we feel and our feelings are important and have to worked through.

When I loose the ability to even consider that there may be a different motivation these days it is almost always when I am very triggered in the sense of interpersonal issues and betrayal specifically. That does not really explain it but there you go... It's when my "self" feels threatened in some serious sense.

When I am in that place people become dangerous and it is very hard to get past that. Often later when the dust settles (can take long time) I can see things differently and often am surprised.

I know I sound terribly rational on this topic but really it is such a big and problematic issue for me that staying in therapy is not the issue as I can't even get anywhere near it!

It is so extreme that I physically (in a total literal sense that I don't understand) am unable to actually look for therapists let alone take the next steps.

I don't know the details of course but I hope you manage to speak it through and I am sure once you do that you can start to put together your truth.

on that score in the past few days, which is sad...

MD I read your last diary entries after I posted what I did and I can see you are struggling a lot with this now. And believe me I know how sad and well, devastating that can be. But taking a step back when you are in a very bad place is not the same as loosing it all. You will find your way back.

Pencil I think you are being really brave and honest. I always love how bravely you look at things for yourself. It's a very important quality and I think can be terribly helpful for recovery when channelled in a forwards direction.

 

[Abstract]

Just have to say one more thing... and they are just general thoughts and related mostly to my own experiences.

There are so many possible things that play out for us. There is the need to push others away because it is too painful to trust. To do it first if we feel we are to be abandoned. To feel it is intolerable when someone does not understand or get it (boy do I have this one). To feel that a mistake wipes out all that ever was good and leaves us wondering if it was true or not. To start ascribing them with all the judgements and fears we have about ourselves. And many more...

Oh and for me a sign that there is some fatal flaw in me. Consumes all responsibility for the situation and sucks me down into feelings of annihilation and profound badness .

 

[Pencil]

To do it first if we feel we are to be abandoned

Yes

To feel it is intolerable when someone does not understand or get it (boy do I have this one).

Right

To feel that a mistake wipes out all that ever was good and leaves us wondering if it was true or not.

Check

To start ascribing them with all the judgements and fears we have about ourselves.

Ditto

And many more...

Sigh, yes.

Oh and for me a sign that there is some fatal flaw in me. Consumes all responsibility for the situation and sucks me down into feelings of annihilation and profound badness

Check.

And now perhaps you'll understand why I went through the last two months trying to resolve the issue with the T, while I know, deep down, when I'm very realistic, that I will never see her again. I wanted to get to one tiny point where I could feel some hint of safety in attachment, while knowing it will never be tested, challenged, invalidated, etc. She'd probably sue me if she knew!

 

[Pencil]

Pencil I think you are being really brave and honest. I always love how bravely you look at things for yourself. It's a very important quality and I think can be terribly helpful for recovery when channelled in a forwards direction.

Thanks Abstract, but I think it should be clear that I am forwards directed. Or doesn't it look like it?

 

[Hashi]

Pencil, thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

the 'repair' thing being what good therapy is ultimately hinged on

I've heard this before, and struggle with it because I am so averse to any sort of conflict or disagreement. The first hint of drama or issues, and I'm gone, usually.

At work, managing people, I'm completely different. In one job, I was asked by both management and staff to be a union rep because of my ability to deal with and resolve disputes... Where does that person go, the rest of the time???

I think it's because at work there are clear boundaries, I'm within safe limits of policies, procedures and legislation. With issues in therapy, I feel like my whole life is on the line, with no guidelines and no regulation. Of course, my therapist has professional boundaries and regulation, that's not what I mean. In fact, I wish this was covered in the same way - 1) Treat client with respect, 2) Always act in best interests of client, 3) Do not abandon Hashi whatever she does...

I've actually been wondering during this past week whether my therapist's ethics would allow her to stop seeing me over this, what her supervisor would advise... I want a rule book, but there isn't one that goes into details like this. Without one, I'm scared.

I do realise I'm catastrophising over this. (Gosh, that was hard to spell!)

i'm realising that the attachment is stronger and more enduring than any obstacle or challenge that we're likely to endure, and yet, simultaneously, I think i'm realising that the pain and conflict and fear and anguish of being part of a relationship of that magnitude (to me) is perhaps more than I have the emotional capacity to deal with right now.

Yes.

I'm not at a point of thinking my therapist and my relationship can survive anything, and I think that's because I don't want to take the risk or the magnitude of a relationship that could. It's remarkable that you've been able to do that, but I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time, Maddog. Sending you good thoughts.

When I loose the ability to even consider that there may be a different motivationo... It's when my "self" feels threatened in some serious sense.

That's it exactly. In fact, my "healing self" is threatened in this case, and that's terrifying to me. If my therapist can't be with me (literally, and in the sense of support and belief) in my effort to heal, then... I don't even want to finish the sentence.

To feel it is intolerable when someone does not understand or get it

To feel that a mistake wipes out all that ever was good and leaves us wondering if it was true or not.

a sign that there is some fatal flaw in me

Oh, yes. It's actually taken me aback to see the word "To feel....". I'm treating these things as facts, I think, more than feelings.

To start ascribing them with all the judgements and fears we have about ourselves.

Oh goodness, if I'm doing that I'm not even aware of it. I've only just grasped that I'm projecting what I want to be onto my therapist. Do I project what I don't like about myself as well?

Do you ever wish therapy didn't mess with your mind so much? I'm actually not really joking. This is so complicated and difficult.


Pencil, Maddog, Abstract, thanks for listening and responding. It means a lot.

 

[Pencil]

Thanks Abstract, but I think it should be clear that I am forwards directed. Or doesn't it look like it?

Abstract, that came out all wrong - because I'm tired and have to work.

What I meant to say was:

Thank you for the compliment.

And, does it look as if I am not looking forward? I'd hate that, so I would appreciate input to help me not be 'backwards' directed.

 

[Pencil]

Lesson 1 in Attachment 101: You can't attach to a Teflon coated therapist (or any other individual).

 

[maddog]

Hashi, I'm all confused about time differences, but please let us know how your upcoming appointment goes, if you want to, ok? Have been thinking of you lots.

If I can make one more sad, sweeping, general comment... I think I'm starting to conclude that I don't like what attachment does to me. It seems to bring out the needy, irrational dependent in me - which is something I didn't even believe I had in me, and somehow it seems to fill me with a unique enduring kind of misery that seems immune to anything actually going on in the relationship. I used to think it was the misery of touching something rare and special that I know I can't really have. Now I'm not so sure. Now it just feels like misery, which is no doubt complicated greatly by my current state of deep depression, but which I think is real nonetheless.

I want so so badly to be attached to someone, but I don't want to be the person who can become so attached.

Maddog

 

[Pencil]

MD, there, you took the words right out of my mouth. That is why it is such an issue for me. It HURTS.

I'm sorry you feel the same way. I want to deal with my attachment issues but I never want to be attached again.

WTF??

Oh, I forgot to add: It is SCARY.

 

[maddog]

Yes, scary, and in some way I can't really explain, it feels like betrayal. Yes, I know, that makes no sense... until it does.

Maybe I was right all along. Maybe part of it is the sense that to attach to someone is to reach out and touch something sacred I can't ever have, and which hurts all the more to have touched and then lost.

Because that's just the thing. Even if the attachment is there and is enduring, as it appears to be with my therapist, hell, he's my therapist for $&$& sake!! It's not as though I am anyone special in his life, fond of me though he may well be... and therein lies the absolute epitomy of every relationship I've ever had or am likely to have.

Yes, some people are fond of me, like having me around, are interested in me, see potential in me to have close enduring significant bonds... with someone else...

Nobody, *nobody*, has ever loved me. I have never been special to anyone and never will be. I have never been anyone's priority. Nobody has ever wanted to drop everything, or anything at all, to be with me. Nobody looks forward to being with me above all others. Nobody wishes they could be with me instead of doing other things. Nobody ever puts me first or wishes they could.

Attachment feels like a cruel taunting betrayal, because it sucks me in and then spits me out, and makes me realise what I will never have. It makes me hate anyone I have ever felt attached to, as though they are mocking me, taunting me, or at the very least, perpetuating the agony of something they can't possibly understand.

It's humiliating. I give of myself so completely, and at such huge cost... for nothing, for a relationship with someone who is paid to pretend to care and who would not even see me if he wasn't clocking time on his time sheet.

Thanks a lot life...

I thought about deleting this post for its petulent outburst. I should probably. I still might. But maybe not.

Yes, it hurts, so much.

MD