Attachment Issues

[Rumors]

Is your son this close to his father.

Yes they both love each other but I am the primary caregiver. My H is preoccupied at times and doesn't stop and spend the time with our son as he needs and deserves but his loss is my gain! Lol.

Although I work, my priority is snuggled up to me as I type. I am self employed so unless I have something set in stone, I stop, drop, and run if he needs me. He is a wash and wear kid and has been to enough of my business meetings growing up he could run one without me. I love that about him, he takes interest in what I do as well.

In some strange way, Pencil, his neediness as a child helps keep me grounded. I am forced to at least have and deal with some emotion bc I can avoid emotion all together. He is always chipper so even on a bad day for me, his little happy face makes me smile. It is a REAL connection. He loves me unconditionally, whatever the hell that is! He doesn't want me to change, never asks me for things that are unhealthy and is pretty much happy to just BE with me. He has left an imprint in my heart and is the only reason why I trudge through this journey of trying to deal with my issues. I desperately want to be the best mom for him and a good role model. He and I are like peas and carrots, not to quote Forrest Gump or anything but that is how he describes our relationship. I am really lucky!!!

 

[Rumors]

Abstract, I am clueless here so forgive me if I should know this, but are you a therapist, councillor, or in the field? That was a whole lot of insightful information!! I apologize if I should know the answer to that question.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Rumours,

No I am not at all. I studied it but only for a year way back. Just have done a lot of reading like a lot on here I think.

 

[Abstract]

Is it a punishable rule on this forum or simply etiquette?

I think it just says a lot about how people see boundaries! ;) Those who need them more will easily feel violated if this happens on their thread and other with more flexible ones won't. And we can have different patterns in different environments. Just my 1 pence worth...

 

[Pencil]

Abstract

Thanks for such a long, and as always, such a thought-out response. I appreciate the time and effort very much.

I'll respond in bits. Let me answer your direct questions first:

From what you have said I think your therapist seems to very much understand where you are with this as well. I was surprised to see what she had said to you as it seems astonishing that the two of you have been able to have this type of conversation after so few sessions and that she has so much insight so quickly. I am assuming some of that is totally down to you. That you have been able to express mush to her. I am in awe of that considering how long it takes for me to speak about anything in therapy.

I have read the threads about hugs and so on, and even so it seems that although others do have issues with physical contact, I've not come across anything describing the extent I talk about. Springer is the only other person on this forum who can really relate to a significant extent.

Due to the invisibility of this issue, and the fact that many people do have issues with it but nowhere to the same extent or intensity, and the fact that the few times I did try to explain it, it was clear that the other person did not really have a clue as to the extent of it. I also realized that those times I did see a therapist, this issue was never even referred to. And here it once again becomes difficult to explain, but let me try. I never go into therapy to address this directly as I see it as a by-product of the larger issues. BUT at the same time, if the therapist is unaware of the by-product, how can she understand the larger issues? Then there are people like the school counselor who is unaware (and I have no need for her to understand) and then tramples with hobnailed boots all over a very sensitive area. For this reason, after the first session with this therapist, I wrote her a very detailed e-mail. It still took a few sessions before she said: "I only understood how bad it is for you when you said in the last session that ... "

Abstract, we're talking TEN YEARS. Ten years ago I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life when I let people talk me into seeing a therapist who had 'paper's (I wouldn't call them qualifications) in 'psychosynthesis' and postural integration. I ended up psychotic and cutting myself to ribbons.

After that I avoided all people: friends, lovers, therapists - the whole human race, basically. So when I accidentally connected with T1, all of this, and the rest, came tumbling down. T2 and T3 never made much of an impression. With T4 I felt I could stay in therapy with her, but needed her to know 1) how it worked for me, and 'how bad' it was, 2) never to come near me, as I feared she might commit the same stupidity as the school counselor.

So, I went in there with the need for her to understand as the most important thing on the agenda.

I'll respond to other issues / questions separately.

 

[Pencil]

How much of the time in therapy are you in your adult state (adult in the context of what you were talking about and not the above)?

Mainly adult.

 

[Pencil]

And yet some resiliency in you kept you trying.

Not quite. I gave up completely when I was nine. I loved her passionately, but I found a comfortable (for her) distance, and stayed there. We made no eye contact, we never spoke, she never touched me, we never fought, we never .... I made absolutely no demands on her. Yet I was acutely aware of her.

I think that is why I'm now more comfortable with the therapist - as there is no interaction, apart from a weekly e-mail. I know she is 'there' and that is the most I can handle.

 

[Pencil]

I guess I will take that since when he is a teenager he will more than likely hate me!!

Hi Rumors, how old is he?

 

[Eleanor]

I guess I will take that since when he is a teenager he will more than likely hate me!

Almost certainly not. What I have observed is that parents who have and maintain healthy boundaries and good communication with their kids don't, as a general rule, have really really ugly teenage years. We avoided the "terrible twos" with my girl by simply adopting the rule that we would not habitually say "No." Not that we never said no, but we would say it thoughtfully, and with some larger context in mind. And honestly, there weren't that many occasions where "No" was really appropriate.

Teenagers are trouble if there is big trouble in the relationship already - and when the parents aren't very flexible and willing to let the kids grow up and explore the world, while the parent stays steady and ready to take them back when they need/want safe harbor. Really, it is an awful lot like "two" all over again, only bigger.:)

Abstract - A lot to digest!

@ Pencil - how old is your daughter? And how do you negotiate the switching with her? Does she understand what is going on to the point where she doesn't need to take it personally?

 

[Pencil]

So basically I wonder if it would not help you if you tried to let go of the thought that she is wrong in the boundaries that she is setting and to rather work with on the awful feelings that they bring up. To sit with those feelings and let her support you through them. To accept them as part of what therapy is going to entail for you. So that you can get to a place in your life where you are not haunted by them.You can always go on and have somatic therapy afterwards. But if your therapist now still maintains a distance that means you are kept safe then I can only think that is wiser at present.

No, I don't think she is wrong in the boundaries she is setting. There is still one thing you don't understand, and I don't blame you as it is a mess: I can't handle any form of physical contact. So, I DON'T want her anywhere near me, but talking about it increases the need. I really don't know how to explain this :banghead: Every minute of every day I have an intense need and at the same time an intense aversion.

She did suggest finding someone to deal with that specifically - in other words, another therapist in addition to her. But, apart from the fact that the idea horrifies me, I can't afford either, so it remains academic, and perhaps a possibility in future, which will not be within the next six months, seeing I have a mountain of debt.

 

[Springer80]

Hi,

Sorry for being 'flaky' I've kinda scanned the above (It's what I can manage at the mo)...anyway...in terms of solving the riddle.
My feelings are this...I'm (my EP is) not looking for a new therapy relationship (attached talky OR attached huggy...you like the pro speak? :bookworm: :rolleyes:) because either is artificial. Me (and my adult) actually want a real life, life.

My EP's need for huggy although is what is driving this I do not think it should be indulged in the way it wants it to be.

Absract, your bit about boundaries and talking about the instances which created the deficit, has merit I think.

Apologies for the in-depth reply!!! :D

 

[Pencil]

Pencil - how old is your daughter? And how do you negotiate the switching with her?

Eleanor, I was afraid someone would ask! :) The school counselor criticized me for being 'too democratic' with my daughter, but as I can't be consistent, I can't be 'strict'.

She is 7, and is at an age where she understands when I explain to her that things are not her fault - even though I've been telling her this since she was three. I really don't have a good strategy, and I've been trying for a long time to come up with one. I hate to admit that when I'm in child mode I 'forget' the adult resolutions, rules, agreements etc. And it really is like that - the things I think as an adult completely disappear when I switch.

It must be awful for her, and I'm VERY aware of this. As she has no other family in her life, she has no-one to go to. For this reason I've made arrangements with her godmother and another person, that whenever she was angry, upset, whatever with me, she could phone them or talk to them with my blessing and we would all discuss it together. She has done this twice in the last 4 years, which tells me she is not finding things too difficult. I give her the right to talk, to criticize me, to keep me to arrangements.

None of this is ideal, I know, but everyone who has known her for years say she is a well-adjusted and happy child, and I guess in the final analysis that is all that matters.