Not Relationship Material In Any Sense Of The Word

[Deleted member 1860]

Does anyone else feel like they're not relationship material in any sense of the word?

I do.

I feel that my issues (PTSD, attachment, sex) are so out there that I couldn't possibly be in a normal relationship with someone who could accept me, faults and all.

I feel that my PTSD is an unreasonable burden to put on anyone and I have to protect everyone from myself, effectively keeping them out of my life. I feel that if I let anyone in then it will be futile as they'd see my symptoms and blame me for everything and end up leaving anyway. I can't deal with the guilt of being a burden and knowing that if someone is friends with me or in a relationship with me that I'm keeping them from having more functional relationships with other people. I can't stand the thought of holding anyone back.

I think other people *may* think of me as a friend, but the reality is that nobody gets past acquaintance. I just can't deal with the guilt of being a burden.

Everybody deserves the best they can find, and I don't feel that I could ever be the best. I think it's too much to ask someone to put up with my flashbacks, panic attacks, attachment issues, sexual issues, etc.

I'm not looking for pity. Really, I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe just to know that I can be ok by myself.

 

[Sick of Fear]

Prior to meeting my husband, I would quickly end relationships that seemed good or stay in ones that were abusive. I tried pushing my husband away in the beginning, put him through hell.

He stood by me. He has seen every bit of ugly I have hated about myself...and he loves me anyway. I still have yet to find good friends, or any friends for that matter, but I can say that it IS possible to find the person that deserves you.

Anyone that looks at you as a burden does not deserve you. The person that looks beyond your pain, loves you for YOU, and at least tries to be understanding and supportive is the one worthy of you.

There is hope, and I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

That's just it. I can't see myself as anything but a burden. PTSD is no walk in the park. Why would anyone choose to be in a relationship with someone who is so difficult? It just isn't logical.

Oh blah. I shouldn't have posted. Please, don't feel the need to reply further, anyone.

 

[Sick of Fear]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope I didn't say anything to upset you, and if I did, I apologize. I feel like a burden too but my husband has reassured me that he doesn't see me the way I see myself. Love isn't always logical, but that's not always a bad thing. Take care.

 

[Pencil]

PTSD is no walk in the park.

No, it isn't, it's a grueling marathon, but it can be done.

 

[Eleanor]

I can't see myself as anything but a burden.

Whose voice is it that says that you are a burden? I'm guessing it is not truly yours. Just a guess, but test it out and see?

a normal relationship

Whatever that is!?!? What do you have in mind, here, exactly? There are lots of kinds of relationships - and "normal" may not fit the bill for you, or it might. But it sounds like you are wanting something you think you can't get/don't deserve *in principle*, and usually when we make those kinds of judgments about ourselves there is some disordered thinking/feeling going on.

Everybody deserves the best they can find

Actually, I think not. Quite apart from the issue of "deserving" (which is a pretty tricky moral category) it is wicked hard to figure out what counts as "best" in relationship or even friendship terms. And what "the best" is, IMHO, varies dramatically. My H has been struggling with his PTSD for years now (it is getting better controlled, and he is feeling better) and he has been physically ill as well. Highly imperfect. I could "do better" in those ways - but the fact is that he is the best person for me. Warts and all. It is not a "one size fits all" world SoL.

I feel that my PTSD is an unreasonable burden to put on anyone and I have to protect everyone from myself, effectively keeping them out of my life. I feel that if I let anyone in then it will be futile as they'd see my symptoms and blame me for everything and end up leaving anyway. I can't deal with the guilt of being a burden and knowing that if someone is friends with me or in a relationship with me that I'm keeping them from having more functional relationships with other people.

This sounds like the kind of thinking I do when I am "having both sides of the conversation." My H and I both do this, and we try to call each other on it. Really, it is very impolite to put words in other people's mouths, and even worse to put thoughts and judgments in their heads. And it is pretty rude to try to protect grown up people from the possible consequences of their actions and decisions. It is... what is the word... not disrespectful... infantilizing?... that's closer... patronizing?... not quite... paternalistic!!! that's it. It is paternalistic. Like you are trying to be an overbearing father to the whole world. I don't think you want to go there. Who would?:yuck:

Also, why would you want to be in a relationship with anyone who would be so unreasonable as to "blame you for everything"? Ick on toast. So don't pick those people.

The last sentence sounds SO SO much like something an sick/unhappy parent says to their poor child... I've got to wonder who told you this enough that you've got the tape playing in your head? It can't possibly be true. (As no one CAN hold us back from having the relationships we want to have. As Dr.Phil says, "if s/he wants to have an affair, you can't build a wall high enough or watch them closely enough to stop him/her." Absent the ability to physically imprison someone and isolate them from ALL human contact - the best anyone can do is make it very very difficult for someone to have other relationships. And I know you well enough that you wouldn't want (and thus go to the effort) to do that anyhow. No more than you'd cut off their feet to stop them running away. It is just a non-starter as an option.

So where do these feelings come from?

 

[madmax]

What you don't want you can't have.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This thread is not productive and I feel very attacked by the last comment. Please, no more responses. I feel guilty enough and talking about this is just making me feel worse. Again, my fault. Peace out.

 

[anthony]

If you don't want responses, then don't post, simple as that. You don't get to choose responses.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok, I won't post anymore.

Goodbye, forum.

I wish you all the best.

 

[99Phoenix99]

ScaredOfLonely,

I'm sorry this thread hasn't given you what you were looking for. And it hurt to read the responses you got. Not because the responses were malicious, but because what you were looking for was solidarity and that's not what you got.

On a level I can understand. For me I have always felt like nothin but a burden. I have been in and out of the hospital since I was 15. Treatments, appointments, and all around affecting the lives of everyone who's been close to me. I feel guilty almost all the time for causing so much trouble. And I always see the fear and worry in their eyes when my health begins to falter. And I have very poor health, and this happens often.

I can't... I can't imagine why any person would want to deal with that. With me. On the drop of a hat I've been on my death bed twice. The only physical contact I've had is with doctors and their experimental procedures, most of which are intrusive and painful.

Long story short. Being touched triggers me into panic attacks. And emotionally I have difficulties processing anything personal. I know how to work mechanically and well. But emotionally and physically I just can't process. For me I'm afraid. Always afraid of others. And that's why I don't think I could ever have a relationship any time soon. At this point in time I don't think I'm relationship material at all. And it hurts so badly to have to acknowledge that. It shouldn't be shameful but I feel nothing but shame in admitting that. That I can't connect. That I'm terrified to connect.

There's so many things ... It' hard to talk about and yet that just barely scratches the surface.

All I do know is that one day I DO want a relationship but I know it can't happen unless I feel good about myself and do a lot of work. I'm trying to find ways to be happy now as I am at this moment. And accepting who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It's rough. Some days I feel pride in myself in the little advancements I've made and other days I feel pathetic for being so excited at such small achievements.

It's a yo yo :/

I hope my sharing this with you helps. It's certainly helped me a bit so even if it hasn't; Thank you and hopefully if you got anything out of this post it's that you're not alone.

Best.

 

[rainy_daze]

Does anyone else feel like they're not relationship material in any sense of the word?

I was only going to read the first post and reply, but scrolled down in case you had posted anything else before I replied, and was sad to see you got upset (I have yet to read the posts that upset you). In case you do come back to the PTSDforum, SoL, I will post what I was going to say to your first post.

My immediate reaction was to say "Yes and no".

I met an amazing man and fell in love and kept my PTSD hidden. I didn't think I was worth any of his affection. I tried to hide the PTSD, I decided I no longer had it, that I was well and if I continued to act like I was fine, I would be, and I was wrong. I ended up having a huge meltdown in front of him which lasted several hours. I opened up to him and told him things I had never uttered aloud to another human being. I told him I had PTSD, and that I never wanted him to know, because he would never have dated me. I apologised for lying, too, by keeping that part of myself hidden. As if it was shameful, or something I had done wrong. I never gave myself PTSD. It happened to me. But PTSD is only one part of me, it does not define me. Yes, it leaks out and can take over my life if I don't fight it, but I am more than that.

I am not advising hiding things from people, but the whole point is, you love someone in spite of their flaws. You build a relationship with someone, and it takes time. On a first date, you wouldn't exchange your deepest darkest fears (normally).

You also wouldn't stay with someone who couldn't love you for all the good parts of you in amongst the bad.

If you put romance to one side, and think about friendships. I recognise your name, at some point you have probably given me some amazing wisdom, which is why your name is familiar to me. We might just be a bunch of random people in the world but we are all here for the same reasons: to connect and get well. I think if you take a step back, you will see that you are worth having as a friend, or no one would bother trying to connect with you (on here) and people wouldn't consider you a friend (out in the world).

I am not a burden. I am human, like everyone else. I have good days and bad, I have sorrow and joy. If you allow yourself to realise that other people feel what you feel, other people feel they are not perfect, other people have the same fears about friends and relationships that you do, it will get better. There will be things you have to offer, you just have a low value of yourself. Correct me if I'm wrong SoL.

It is impossible to be perfect, which you described as being "the best".

There is so much more I can say on this, but worried my posts are always so long and you might not come back to read it, so I will leave you with something a wise person whom I have a great deal of respect for said to me years ago:

"It is ok to just be you. You are enough".