Hi Rainy-
Heh. You could be right that I might not understand people who want to be in relationships. However I don't feel that way all the time. I will have to examine that within myself further though since I do know that I do project.
I remember times wondering about particular friends who wanted their husbands home, looked forward to them coming home from work, etc. and I would think,"Why?" Not totally sure where that comes from...maybe from childhood and never wanting my father to be there since it was so much more peaceful without him there. Would that be transference on my part?
But there have been relationships I've been in that I also couldn't wait to see my beau. But most of my relationships (if not all) with men have been unhealthy and I was always needy or looking for approval, adapted myself to their way of thinking, for fear of being judged or yelled at for thinking differently. So yeah, I definitely have issues with my own relationships.
It's not that I don't understand why people don't want to have them though, healthy or even otherwise. The healthy ones are pleasant, enhance each others lives and the connection is sweet. Staying in unhealthy ones are probably pattern related. But I'm not going to get into or pretend I understand all of it though since I'm not a psychologist and I don't pretend to understand the human psyche.
The difficulty comes from watching someone I care about very much continue to get hurt while going into very damaging relationships. I do want to make it clear however that I am not trying to dictate her life, nor tell her what she should do. I observe and listen to her as she comes to me with all of her turmoil. There's no real judgment other than my sadness in watching her get caught up in something that is hurting her.
She had gotten involved, one right after another. She has been married three times, and this stbx was severely abusive. The others were also, and in fact were unfaithful. She began dating another guy, before her divorce was final also, the guy was fresh out of a relationship and still married to yet someone else, although supposedly separated from her. Now he has recently come forward to confess an act of unfaithfulness and then tried to blame her for what he did. The old, "Well, I knew you wouldn't do this, so I had to go elsewhere." sort of BS.
I don't think all guys are like this at all. But she seems to have come to that conclusion and has verbalized that to me, because of the treatment she's been receiving. I care about her. I care that she's not happy and would like to see her with someone who treats her with care and respect...or alone for awhile if that will bring her peace. I empathize with her. But it's frustrating because she won't stop beating herself over the head with the same hammer. Insanity is...
Perhaps my view of what I think society thinks is distorted. But I guess I get that idea from the way people jump from one relationship to another without a break. (And society is made of these people as well as others.) And I've done that myself. Thing is I guess I do understand it, but I understand it to be rather unhealthy. To jump so quickly says to me that the person is just doing it to avoid being alone. I know now it's why I did it. I couldn't stand myself so much that I avoided being alone at all costs...even without a significant other, I'd seek out company just so I could avoid myself.
And I don't necessarily think that some relationships can't work out. My brother jumped from one to another and seems to have finally found someone he can trust, count on, etc. Of course I don't know the exact dynamics of their relationship though and I do wonder if she's happy, me knowing how my brother can be at times. But for the most part, if there's all this jumping around just to avoid being alone, that's not a healthy reason. I get the loneliness. I feel it myself.
I do actually get wanting to be in a relationship at times but there are so many stipulations involved for me now...trust, understanding, acceptance and even a friendship within the love part of the relationship...same interests, getting my references to pop culture, etc. And I guess I just don't see that right now as a possibility, since in my own experience, I have never felt understood enough, cared about enough, or truly trusting of another. I think I settled a lot of the time just so I could have someone and I've finally realized that that is just not enough. In addition to that, I was so messed up myself in these relationships that I know I wasn't able to bring what was necessary for a successful relationship to the table.
Lately I've been finding myself re-traumatized in the presence of others...boundaries being crossed and I freeze. I either defend myself inappropriately or not at all. So I'm sure without a doubt that is influencing my feelings and thought process as well...as far as the apparent anger...(there's a lot of that in me and it can get displaced at times) that came through in my answer to SoL's post. I think it's great though if someone can find another who they really feel unity with and feel happy most of the time and I certainly understand why anyone would want to be in such a relationship.
I certainly don't want to live without human contact. I enjoy other people's company but I certainly go back and forth between wanting to isolate and wanting to get out there...not to date though, just to be with friends. I still find myself wanting to be with others simply to avoid myself. but that is lessening since I've been OK to be alone without being lonely much of the time.
I suppose I should've stated everything more from my own experiences, etc instead of lashing out with my anger. The question posted by SoL was probably a trigger for all that too. (Not blaming you Sol...this has given me lots to think about, so thanks.)
I guess the bottom line is that I just want to be understood and don't feel as though I've been and in most of my relationships (romantic) I've been abused in one way or another so that type of relationship is something in my life I'd rather keep at more than arms length. I think I might be projecting a bit on "what society thinks."
There's a particular community I've been involved with in the past that was mostly male oriented and the attitude with some of them seems to be that if a woman isn't attached then of course she'd have interest in dating them. And even some of the women in that community have tried to set me up with particular men who have expressed interest in me to the other woman...but not to me. It's like a collective assumption, "Well she doesn't have a bf, so let's set her up with this guy."
Or some of the guys just automatically assume a woman would be interested simply because she's not attached to anyone else. To me that is simply ridiculous. In fact after repeatedly telling a man I was not interested, he took it upon himself to make a very intrusive pass at me anyway. So I suppose that's where some of my words in my last post come from.
