Not Relationship Material In Any Sense Of The Word

[saffy]

I think that the farther away I can get from her, the better I'll do.

HI SoL

Yes we have conversed about this before. :)

I am in a very similar situation to you. It was like a light bulb moment when I associated my mother with being manipulative, it was like everything started to make sense. She was also materialistic, egotistic and non maternal. But she made it look like she was the better and clever one who was always bloody right.

In fact once I realised it was her conditioning and actions towards me that lead me to have such a low opinion of myself. I craved love and care but thought I never deserved it. I was made to think I was unlovable and unworthy.

I also realised that she was just not the type of person I wanted to be around, she made me feel bad about myself. She triggered anxiety and anger and bitterness and I hate feeling like that. She also triggered my self loathing and sense of abandonment which made me feel low and sad.

As much as I tried to make it work I just could not connect with her in the way I wanted and it was the best thing I did to break free of her and those triggers so that I could grow and learn to love myself for the qualities I actually have. I am a lot calmer and happier and I feel I deserve that.

I think that now you have made that decision you have to accept it and move on with yourself, you are still living in the past, wondering if you did the right thing, wondering if she will change or to apologise, for example, it might be different for you. :)

It is time now to focus on getting to love yourself enough to feel you deserve to be treated well and deserve to be loved and cared for. Also that you have choices and can set standards to help you emotionally and boundaries for him and for you. :)

It might help to write down some attributes you expect from a relationship or partner or both. What do you expect him to be like, what qualities does he need, what personality, is it important for him to share the same things in common.

You can then rate them in order of importance. THose with a high number will be the most important, the strengths you expect in a person or relationship.

You can write down some boundaries you feel strongly about. Write down your qualities and what would make you feel upset, happy, angry.

These are just guides really, but I found for me I had to almost learn from scratch so that I had a bit of confidence and self belief to go forward in a more positive way.:)

I think that the farther away I can get from her, the better I'll do.

I felt like this too. I have done my part trying to make our relationship positive but it was always one sided. I accepted I was never going to please her and to let go would be the best thing for it. But she would always be in my head, always there. I thought I could move to the other side of the world but until I accepted she was now in the past and I do not have to let her affect me any more. So the distance had to be mentally rather than geographic for me. :)

I hope you can get to that point too :)

This is beautifully said, Saffy.

Thank you Eleanor :)

But at some point I know my decision will be questioned by someone.

I found the easiest thing for me was just to say that we just did not get on, it was for the best. That's all they need to know really unless you actually want to explain it further, but you do not have to. :)

a bit of a tangent, but it has me thinking how people are so money driven....

This is true. I also think that it comes from people who do not fully understand what how you feel about your mother or how badly it affects you. It is not their fault really if they have never suffered, their level of pain is lower and they sometime just cannot image that far. :)

But really, she's just toxic.

Sounds like we have the same mother ;). I had to remember that I had made my decision about how my mother was to me and that everyone else had to see her for what she was themselves.

I could only stick to my decision because I knew myself it was the right thing to do for me. No body else had the right to make that decision for me so they certainly have not got the right to condemn me or disrespect me for my decision either. They had no right. I had the right to make that decision and stick to it for the right reasons.

You must understand this too. No body had the right to make you feel guilty, but make sure you are not projecting these feelings again. Be strong and be proud of your decision, it was mature and healthy. :)

Others will have better ideas, but I like to remember that just because someone ASKS a question doesn't mean I have answer it.

Very true. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you, Saffy! You're quite helpful. Funny, I thought to myself "we must have the same mother" even before I read you're line about it.

You've made a lot of great suggestions, and I'll work on making those lists. I'll post them in a bit so that I can get some feedback.

I know I'm on the right path. My poor brother is dealing with my mother now that I've shut her out of my life. I feel bad for him, but I know he can set his own boundaries with her.

 

[saffy]

Thanks SoL

I Found that some stuff really helped me and I hope it will you too. :)

I found a lot of things I wrote down really gave me a head start in knowing what to look for and what to a avoid. Gave me a sense of personal power. :)

I understand your concern for your brother, but, you are also right in allowing him to make his own mind up about her. It is for the best all round that way I find. :)

I hope you had a good weekend and feel at peace.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I haven't been working on that list. :(

I'm struggling really bad with self worth. I've been fighting these thoughts all day. I've been good about not pushing people away, but the thought rumination won't stop. I hate it.

 

[Eleanor]

I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch SoL. Are thoughts driving feelings or the other way around?

The way I've been most successful at getting bad scripts/thoughts to stop running in my head is to replace them with something I mean more. So for instance, instead of going on about how what my H said isn't true I repeat in my head "I will not talk to dead people" over and over and over, and try to do something useful (washing dishes, laundry, pulling weeds) until it goes away. Sometimes my house gets quite clean. "Help me God." also gets used to crowd out negative stuff too when I feel especially desperate. If all else fail "OHM" with some change in pitch out loud makes a difference. The trick seems to be to get it to vibrate through your head and down into your body as much as possible.

If you are not in a really dark place, reality testing is a good idea too - what is the EVIDENCE for those beliefs? Are they TRUE? If so, make a plan to change. If not, then feel free to let the go - you could even visualize balloon thought bubbles and the cut the strings and let them drift up.

Those are my best suggestions. Wishing you well...

 

[saffy]

Hi SoL

It is obvious that most of your issues stem from you lack of self esteem and the way you think about yourself. Although some will say it is a weakness I like to believe that it is just a state of being caused by external traumas out of our control.

But however you like to see it, it is possible to work on raising your self esteem, which is directly correlated with anxiety and confidence. :)

Having gone through abuse that leaves you doubting yourself; confused about yourself and the world and with such a low opinion of yourself it is no wonder you cannot believe anyone else would think any different or treat you any different than what you believe you deserve.

That is very unfair though. You do deserve to be treated with dignity, honesty, care and affection (if you want it). But you have to expect them to treat you like this based on the fact you actually think they should. If that makes sense.



I tried different things to get me to think differently. Firstly I had to tell myself that there was nothing wrong with me any more or less than another human being. I had to stop projecting my thoughts and feelings onto others and ground myself to become more awake.

I asked myself, is this the type of person, based on his attitude and how he treats others and himself, that will respect my standards and boundaries. If I get doubts, the person remains a distant acquaintance.

Once I new what to look for it eased my anxiety loads but also gave me a sense of confidence in that I can make choices and I can walk away and I can listen to my gut feelings about a person.

Meantime I kept telling myself that I like myself as a person in my own right. I had good qualities and could be trusted not to hurt anyone and in general. That says a lot about me and as long as I believe this my self esteem is not at rock bottom.

I found after a while of being a bit more choosy of who I wanted know I gained a sense of importance. It was important for others to treat me well, I should not put up with shit, and should not do things if something does not feel right because I am trying to fill a void using someone else. The more I got respect and shown care, because they are people chosen for them qualities, the less I felt alone. If that makes sense. sorry, hard to explain sometimes. :)

I found some articles that might be of interest :)

What is Self Esteem: psychology dictionary.

In psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person's overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Self-esteem is often seen as a personality trait, which means that it tends to be stable and enduring. Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about the self, such as the appraisal of one's own appearance, beliefs, emotions and behaviors.

Components of Self-Esteem

According to one definition (Braden, 1969), there are three key components of self-esteem:

Self-esteem is an essential human need that is vital for survival and normal, healthy development.
Self-esteem arises automatically from within based upon a person's beliefs and consciousness.
Self-esteem occurs in conjunction with a person's thoughts, behaviors, feelings and actions.
Self-Esteem Theories

The need for self-esteem plays an important role in psychologist Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, depicting self-esteem as one of the basic human motivations. Maslow suggested that people need both esteem from other people as well as inner self-respect. Both of these needs must be fulfilled in order for an individual to grow as a person and achieve self-actualization.

It is important to note that self-esteem is a concept distinct from self-efficacy, which involves the belief in future actions, performance or abilities.

On the topic of self respect: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199911/self-esteem-vs-self-respect[/DLMURL]

and bulding self esteem: [DLMURL]http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/building-self-esteem/[/DLMURL]

I hope this helps a bit :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safirefalcon]

Oh man, yeah. I have wanted in the past to be in relationships...or thought I did. I think what it was though was simply needing someone else to tell me and show me I was OK because I didn't feel that way about myself. That created quite the mess.

I have felt the same as you too in that, no one should be with me because they could do better and deserve to. But lately, I've thought more about my part and how I really feel about being in relationships. It's true that society thinks we should be coupled up and if you're not you're just a sore thumb.

I've come to the conclusion that society is ridiculous and something like a relationship sure can't be forced just because everyone else is doing it. I wouldn't follow someone off a cliff so...

I've had that feeling of not wanting to be in a club that would accept me too. So I've also felt that if this guy is with ME then there must be something wrong with him too and have pulled and pushed them away for that reason as well, although unconsciously at the time.

I find that right now, with a nasty break up over a year ago and the dx of PTSD, after a long road of trying to figure out what is wrong with me, I'm finding that I'm OK enough on my own as a single person. I actually have no desire to be in a relationship and don't know that I will even want to once I've worked through a lot of what is going on with me.

It doesn't even matter right now what I might want at that point. What I know right now is that I'm not happy within and no one else can fix that. I'm reaching to be OK with me, learn how to draw boundaries and accept that when I do, if I get some reaction like disappointment, anger or whatever other emotion they might feel about my act of drawing a boundary, is not MY responsibility or my fault. It's their stuff to deal with if they don't like my boundary. I'm still working on doing it more gracefully though.

Usually, when some dude thinks he can hug me and I don't want that, I usually give him a nasty look and give the space between us a wide berth. Then to him I'm unapproachable. But quite frankly, if he's assuming he can do that without checking with me first, who cares.

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting a relationship. They are work and struggling with a relationship with self is enough of a battle for me. I stick to myself.

It does suck though when others look at me like I have two heads because I don't want a man in my life or even to hook up. And that hooking up? Forget that! I don't understand that at all. I like to connect so if I am not understood or even know if I will be, or if there is no conversation and getting to no someone, there is absolutely no sexual desire.

People who say that you should be in a relationship or whatever, need to maybe take a look at themselves and ask why would they care so much about what I'm choosing to do? I've actually experienced the energy of peer pressure with one friend who doesn't seem to understand why I want to be alone.

And the ironic thing is every single one of her significant other relationships has been abusive in one way or another. So I don't understand why she'd want to keep going out and finding someone to latch onto, especially since her life is so busy otherwise.

Bit of a rant, but I do understand not wanting to be in a relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks, Safire, you've been really supportive and I appreciate that.

I'm struggling with setting boundaries with people and in general, working on myself. I know that is my priority right now and I need to be less concerned with others.

I know a lot of it comes from society. Society says we're to be coupled to be "happy". People look at you like there's something wrong with you when you're single. I need to stop caring about what everyone else thinks!

I had a friend who used to put me down for being single. The thing is, she's been in a lot of relationships and I haven't known her to be single in at least 13 years. She jumps from one relationship to the next. I think she, and a lot of other people are simply terrified of being alone. They can't fathom that someone who is single could truly be happy.

 

[nursenurse]

I gave this plaque to my BFF. Out of four of us, she never married. Two of us had rather acrimonious divorces. The other one, whom we thought would be the first to split, is still bickering away after 30 years.

The plaque says: "I think, therefore I am single."

 

[Deleted member 1860]

"I think, therefore I am single."

I love it!!

 

[rainy_daze]

Bit of a rant, but I do understand not wanting to be in a relationship.

I get the feeling that you might not fully understand people who do want to be in a relationship. A bit like why you don't understand your friend. I know people who are single, and feel desperately lonely, and long for a romantic partner. I also know people who enjoy being single, and prefer it. I know people in healthy romantic relationships. I know at least one in an awful unromantic but supposedly romantic relationship. Everyone is different, so I agree with lots of your post, but not this part:

It's true that society thinks we should be coupled up and if you're not you're just a sore thumb.

I've come to the conclusion that society is ridiculous and something like a relationship sure can't be forced just because everyone else is doing it. I wouldn't follow someone off a cliff so...

It sounds like people have said things to you that make you think that, but I don't think society as a whole thinks people should be in relationships and you stick out if you don't. Maybe it feels that way to you, but personally, I think it's that people are biologically and unconsciously driven, so relationships happen. It's part of life, so I don't understand thinking that it is society saying it should be that way and people look at you funny - those people can't see it from your point of view. I am trying hard to, Safire, could you explain it to me?

Is part of being OK by yourself learning to be OK with the fact that there are possibly people who might judge you for it? In the long run does that matter? Maybe people in relationships get judged too, because some people think relationships are stupid? Or maybe no one acually cares about other people that much; or some people have no lives if they obsess about how their friends are single. Sheesh, who cares.

I need to stop caring about what everyone else thinks!

It's good to read you're working on boundaries and not caring about the standards others may or may not have. You can be ok by yourself, SoL, but no living in a cave on your own with no human contact. I don't recommend it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Rainy,
I have no plans of living in a cave! Lol.

It's funny. On my moms side everyone is coupled up pretty much. All my cousins and such. On my dads side, just the opposite. Some are coupled, some are not. I always thought my two aunts and uncle were fabulous because they had the freedom to do what they wanted and weren't chained down. My one aunt worked in NYC and I would go visit her. My other aunt worked abroad and always had something fabulous going on with her art or cooking. They were both married (before I was born) but shortly thereafter divorced. Same with my uncle. They were all proof to me that I didn't need to be "half-of-a-whole" in order to be happy in life.