Not Relationship Material In Any Sense Of The Word

[rainy_daze]

(For some reason the first part of my post won't post, so I will add it here) :

Re: Rainy. I don't connect with anyone here on the forum so I'm not sure what you're talking about. And like I said, I don't have any friends. A bit confused by your statements.

By connecting with people on the forum, I meant by posting and responding to the posts of other members as well as starting your own topics. I connect with people on the forum by doing that; sure, it doesn't mean I am talking with them face to face or by telephone or webcam or email, but I am still connecting to other people just by posting. This whole thread has seen you connect with other people on PTSDforum.

SoL, you have said you don't have any friends but also said... (see post above).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know how to change.

 

[Pencil]

Perhaps because you don't know what to change. Are you open to suggestions?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, I am open to suggestions.

 

[Pencil]

The fact that are open to suggestions already goes a long way towards finding out what might be amiss, and then changing it. And often it is simply a change of perpsective, or attitude, and nothing majorly behavioral that needs 'hard work'. I'm sure members will come with really astute comments, and great advice.

My tiny suggestion: Click 'like' on comments that mean something to you. I was amazed to see the flood of responses you got - and even though some people may have come across as less than perfectly attuned to your needs, they put effort into connecting with you. That is what is so amazing about this forum - there is a lot of generosity.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks

 

[Eleanor]

SoL, assuming you could get the voice in your head that tells you you are a burden to shut up for a bit, what kind of relationship might you like? If any? What kind of "connection" might you enjoy/get meaning out of?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I never thought about it.

I guess I just take whatever I can get. Or have in the past. I'm so terrified of rejection that I just let others decide. I never seek out anyone, for any reason. I don't know if I can get that voice to shut up. It feels too uncomfortable.

 

[Eleanor]

Well, that's a hell of a Catch-22, SoL.:cry:

Talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't. It seems like you want out of it (honestly, it doesn't sound to me like a very pleasant place to be.) If it were me (which it clearly is not) I'd decide to do what I could to dump the voice, I HATE being afraid. (Consquently, I am pretty darn good at stuffing this feeling - although it is not a strategy I can really recommend...)

Changing deeply conditioned emotional responses is Very Uncomfortable - or at least it is in my experience. AND I've never met anyone who didn't think it was Totally Worth It at the end...

So if you did think about what you want, what would you want? And might you be willing to get rid of the voice?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes I do want to get rid of that stupid voice! Although taking the "Fight Club" approach is probably not the best plan of attack. Ok, bad joke, I know.

I've decided to take baby steps. There is this friend from waay back that I've been brushing off because I'm so embarrassed about where I am in life (ie on disability) but he hasn't given up on me (to my utter shock and surprise). So I'm going to call him...I just need to work up the nerve! I haven't seen him in over 10 years now.

I'm working on killing that stupid voice. I'm pulling out all my CBT skills and doing a lot of self talk.

I think the first step is to just let people care about me without pushing them away or running away, even if I'm not totally feeling it.

 

[Eleanor]

I'm working on killing that stupid voice. I'm pulling out all my CBT skills and doing a lot of self talk.

Way to go SoL!!!! I am holding the space for you to be FREE of it!

I think the first step is to just let people care about me without pushing them away or running away, even if I'm not totally feeling it.

I think this will give you LOTS of opportunities to work with this.

An additional suggestion: I wonder what would happen if you took the "opposite fight club" (?!?) approach, suppose instead of resisting the voice, you embrace and embellish it (stay with me here...) with extra features that trivialize and take the "sting" out of it. So discover what the "script" that it runs is. Then figure out how to "disarm" it. I have a script that says, "No one appreciates me. Everyone takes me for granted. I am always there for everyone else, but no one else ever offers to help me, or helps me even when I ask, which I don't because it hurts too much when they ignore me..."(Repeat ad infinitum until totally down the self-pity well.) what helped the most with this was RECOGNIZING it, and then noticing how totally and completely BORING it was. (Kind of recasting it an annoying, whiney droning tone) so that I wouldn't get to the second sentence without "OH NO, not THIS again!" kicking in, and then triggering me finding something (ANTYHING!) more interesting than that. I am very motivated to be interested in things, so this worked for me. (If this is a totally standard CBT technique... Well, clearly I don't know what they are!)

What does the total script of that voice say? In what tone/mode would that message be LEAST effective with you, and most likely to drive you AWAY from the "speaker?"

Then again you could make a recording, put it in a box and BLOW IT UP. (Kind of the Fiona - of Burn Notice - approach.) It might not actually help, but it would be fun.:whistling::devilish:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so I've thought about it for a bit. Here goes....

"You are such a burden. Nobody wants you around and those who don't give you the boot only do so because they either 1) feel guilty for what happened and/or 2) pity you. And not only that, but you're DAMAGED and really, who wants damaged goods?!? Nobody."

This would be said in an angry, accusatory, degrading tone. Kind of like you're talking to the scum of the earth who just did you so very very wrong. I said it in the third person because its easier for me to flip it around and defend it when said this way.

If I flip it around and say it in the first person then I'd say it in a whiny, pathetic, anoyyyying voice. But this way I get sucked into a vortex of despair that is akin to a black hole. Yeah, we don't want to go there! ;-)