Not Relationship Material In Any Sense Of The Word

[rainy_daze]

I read all the posts and no one is attacking you. I have been guilty myself of getting upset at a post, because you begin to take it personally, see it as an attack, when in reality people are just trying to be supportive and moderators are trying to keep the forum rules in place. It isn't easy when people start to challenge your way of thinking SoL, but sometimes it is the best way to learn about yourself and become stronger.

why would you want to be in a relationship with anyone who would be so unreasonable as to "blame you for everything"? Ick on toast. So don't pick those people.

That would be ick on toast (I have stolen that expression, and will try to use it in conversation this week). What Eleanor said is what I was trying to say about someone who loves you for you; someone who blames you for your PTSD should be shown the door, immediately.

All I do know is that one day I DO want a relationship but I know it can't happen unless I feel good about myself and do a lot of work. I'm trying to find ways to be happy now as I am at this moment. And accepting who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

What Pheonix is saying is the point SoL; you begin to accept yourself and then others can start seeing all the good things about you too.

In the end, everyone is relationship material, because we need human contact to keep going, otherwise we would all live in caves by ourselves and never be miserable because isolation would help us thrive. The biggest burden is really the one we put on ourselves, if we deny ourselves basic human contact because of PTSD. Telling ourselves we can never be "the best" for someone else, just allows us to stay in the cave, because we put the bar so high for ourselves we can never reach it. I hope you get that I am trying to be supportive; if you read all the posts again in a friendly tone, you will see people who were trying to help. I wish you all the best SoL.

 

[Pencil]

Being touched triggers me into panic attacks.

Ditto.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I've tried once or twice to put myself out there, to find a partner, but to think positive when that feeling is so alien to me is distressing. Unlike many, I have retained a highly attuned awareness and desire for sex. But the idea that anyone would actually want a relationship/sex with me is so wrong that I'm almost disgusted with that person. I agree with you that you can be ok by yourself, I know that I am happier and in a better place (for the past 5 years, now and for the foreseeable future) not in any kind of relationship.

I also agree with others, in my case at least, that I'm sure these feelings of contempt towards myself and that those who appreciate my company/friendship must also feel that way is mostly of my own fears and problems. When I feel better in my self, hopefully this will be better.

I think it is important to note that some people from all backgrounds and all walks of life feel no need to be in or have a romantic relationship. Maybe a higher percentage come from troubled pasts, but I do not think this is exclusive to PTSD. Most people find this odd but like oh so many things, both sides make sense to me.

 

[Tinyflame]

SoL, not sure if you will read this, but I do understand feeling like a burden. As Eleanor said, where does it come from? In so far as saying, ptsd is not the exclusive realm difficulties arise. All people are wounded to some degree.

But perhaps, more importantly, even though I too don't understand how anyone could see beyond it, when I love someone I love them irregardless of their brokenness, scars or imperfections. Period. And I am not an unusual person, just a person.

I don't think love is always rational, and yet it is wholely rational, because it's not a fairy-tale, it's true. And true is not always easy, and definitely not perfect. So many of us feel that (this) way. In many ways it's the ptsd talking. We horrifically condemn ourselves. Give yourself credit for what you bring, as well.

 

[Tinyflame]

And, what I meant was, I don't love others "in spite of their wounds or 'imperfections' ", they are whole. Sometimes I love them for them, or with them. It reduces my own self-blame, not because they are human, too, but I am trying to learn how to not condemn my self so accutely, as I never would or do think of them that way. They may condemn themselves more than I know, however.

I heard a man say that once, about his wife, she was fearing how we would feel, and/ or be (not) attracted after her mascetomy, he said "he didn't fall in love with her breast". Everyone has scars, just some aren't so visible

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it is important to note that some people from all backgrounds and all walks of life feel no need to be in or have a romantic relationship. Maybe a higher percentage come from troubled pasts, but I do not think this is exclusive to PTSD. Most people find this odd but like oh so many things, both sides make sense to me.

Thank you. I logged in just to say thank you simply because that's all I was looking for; someone to tell me that it's ok to be ok by myself. No offense to anyone else, but the other responses reinforced the notion that my thinking is wrong; my feelings are wrong; that I am damaged because I like to be by myself.

Re: Rainy. I don't connect with anyone here on the forum so I'm not sure what you're talking about. And like I said, I don't have any friends. A bit confused by your statements.

 

[Eleanor]

SoL,

I'm sorry I misunderstood your post. It sounded to me like you wanted to be in a relationship, but couldn't. If you don't want to, you don't want to! No harm in that. Why wouldn't that be O.K.? I have a cousin (one of my most favorite people) who is now middle aged and, as far as I can tell, has never been in a romantic relationship. While I do *worry* about her a bit - I worry that she is lonely - I know she is not. She has a rich and wonderful life! I admire and even (secretly) envy her her freedom a bit. That's just who she is. And who she is is wonderful. Just like you.

 

[Eleanor]

P.S. I'm glad you came back to check.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Why wouldn't that be O.K.?

From what I've noticed "normal people" end up in relationships and to most people in the world those who reach a certain age and aren't in a relationship are by default "not normal". I tend to be judged by the fact that I'm single, or that I don't have casual sex, there must be something wrong with me. To be honest the same goes for relationships and even friendships.

 

[Eleanor]

Gosh, Kas, "normal" people sure as hell do do an awful lot of illegitimate projecting, don't they?

The logic here is a bit convoluted - so "Normal" people think having casual sex and being in a romantic relationship are necessary to being a healthy and good person. But having casual sex and being in a romantic relationship (or friendship or any kind of relationship) are in fact perfectly compatible with being unhealthy and being a bad person. So when "Normal" people judge someone else "wrong" they are most likely projecting their own secret dissatisfaction with themselves and their relationships. This is a bit uncharitable, I know, but there is at least some truth to this I think.

Who are these "normal" people, anyhow?:cautious::shifty:

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

You seem to have misread me, that was the point of the quotation marks. I believe that the whole point I was trying to make is that the view of what is considered normal (albeit depending on your location and background amongst many things), is not necessarily normal or healthy by any means.

There might be a fair amount of projection there, but everything I said has been said to me in more unsavory way than the wording I used. However I know, from being reassured and from my own point of view, that there is a) no normal b) everyone's different and c) it doesn't matter as long as you/I am safe and happy. What pleases one, may not please another.

The point I was trying to make referred not only as to what I have experienced and to what is commonly portrayed on television or in the media, but to what we are socially expected to be, achieve and desire. In that broad brush-stroke a good job, good health, family, friends, a car, some hobbies and a balanced lifestyle, as is the lack of any health issues that might interfere with the previous goals.

Unfortunately life gets in the way of that, for all sorts of people not just those here. I would argue the existence of these "normal" people. But it is what is portrayed as being acceptable in my case through school, the government, from my GP, friends and family off the top of my head, and yet I can't change who I am. I am a disappointment because I'm not mentally strong enough to hold down a job, because I have no friends (apart from one friend I only communicate online with), because don't have a huge desire to have friends or a social life, casual sex or a partner. I'm comfortable with that. Most people aren't and I get chastised by the government as a lazy scrounger, my ex-friends as a loner and reject, my ex that I'm still hung up on him or that I must've gone frigid (which by the way he thinks is a shame), by my GP warning me I needed to find work or I'd be stuck like this forever. Even if I tried with every fiber of my being I couldn't be what was expected of me.

This elusive goal we should want and aim to achieve isn't the be all and end all but it can be made to feel like it is and that everyone else has it. Personally I don't believe that this "normal" is normal, I bet very few actually fall into the right brackets all the way along.

 

[Eleanor]

Kas, sorry I am not being clear. I totally agree with this:

there is a) no normal b) everyone's different and c) it doesn't matter as long as you/I am safe and happy. What pleases one, may not please another.

I am not at all challenging your experience of being judged or found "wanting" by "so called normal" people. And as for the culture, gov't etc. I also agree that the "one size fits all" expectations are both unrealistic and unreasonable.

Personally I don't believe that this "normal" is normal, I bet very few actually fall into the right brackets all the way along.

I am on the same page. So I won't take the bet. We'll have to find someone else to bet against us.

The point that I was trying (and failing!) to make was that when so called "normals" find fault with people who don't conform, it seems to me like they are just displacing their OWN displeasure at their OWN life onto someone else. Instead of taking responsibility for their own issues, they just burn up energy disapproving of someone else who doesn't fit their idea of how people should be. Scape-goating, in a way. (Crossing fingers that I managed to say something clear this time.)