Not Relationship Material In Any Sense Of The Word

[Eleanor]

By all means - dont go there!!!

If you keep it third person, what would make it just tiresome? or absurd? Could you attach it to someone (preferably fictional) that you just dislike and don't respect at all? Or could you follow it with something ... a sing song-y "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms..." that would take the sting out?

It might not work for a deep script that was imposed like this one, I don't know... I made mine up myself in my head, so it was easier to subvert.

If you could identify a specific memory (person or memory set) and then, beyond exposure, try rewriting it. So give the person a drawn on mustache and beard. Wierd pointy ears. Clown feet. Whatever makes it impossible for YOU to take them seriously. Keeping it in the first person - change the voice, tone and cadence. (Does whiney, pathetic, anoyyying work in the third person?) Repeat repeat repeat!!! See if you can kind of "scratch over" the old memory script with a new one. I know this works on lesser traumas, and even if it only works a little on this it will give the CBT stuff more "leverage" to get in there an shift it.....

Way to go SoL! You are going to beat this thing.

 

[saffy]

Hi scared of lonely.

You are such a burden. Nobody wants you around and those who don't give you the boot only do so because they either 1) feel guilty for what happened and/or 2) pity you. And not only that, but you're DAMAGED and really, who wants damaged goods?!? Nobody."

I read this with interest and see you are projecting your thoughts onto others. :) I know I do it myself.

I think I am worthless and think that everyone else also thinks that. Which is the wrong thing to do really. I have learnt that now.

Turn that around to say ' I am a caring, loving person with integrity and intelligence and that is how everyone else sees me', and I get a different feeling about what others might be thinking. If that makes sense.

Knowing what I want and who I am as a person is about self development so that I do not have to project my feelings and thoughts in a negative way or live by what I think others think about me.

This gives me such a sense of personal strength and teaches me how to be happy with who I am.

One thing I tried was to write down lots of good things about myself, that I can honestly say about myself, without anyone else's opinions.

I thne wrote down what sort of things made me feel anxious, bad about myself or scared. Went deeper and looked at how I could recognise these feelings depending on what was happening or what was said and how I could best deal with them. I realised I was lost but a lot stronger than I thought.

Then I wrote down what I did and did not want in a relationship. Then, what I did and did not want in a partner.

After I realised it gave me a set of standards and boundaries to work from.

But the most freedom came from accepting that what happened what not a product of me but a product of the way others think and behave. I realised they would be like this whether it was me as a victim of their attitudes and behaviour or not. I just happened to be there and was unable to do anything about it at the time.

Shut that door and open the one that tells me from now on I know what I want and how I want to be treated and if anyone comes through that door with me they have to follow my path, if not I push them back through and shut the door back on them. I can continue on my journey.

I understand as well that although my past is behind me, It is me who is allowing it to keep catching up by thinking about how vulnerable, hurt, worthless and scared I am.

If I shout at myself to shut up a for a moment, lets be honest with myself about this, I can then tell myself that I am a worthy, acceptable and deserve to be loved for the right reasons, my reasons, my standards and my boundaries.

One other thing I really try hard in doing is not listening to my inner voice shouting about a negative future which stops me going forward.

I know it is hard scaredoflonely, but I promise it will get easier if you allow it. But untill you find yourself please don't beat yourself up. :hug:

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Eleanor]

I think Saffy is very wise and sensible. Like about a hundred times.

Can I do a bit of (possibly slightly helpful) humor here? Along the lines of a "Fight Club" approach to the voice?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know that you can't tell from what I've written, but it's already tiresome and annoying just the way I say it in my head. I'm so defiant....if someone says something to me in that sort of tone, I'm über defensive, so I'm quick to reject it.

 

[Eleanor]

if someone says something to me in that sort of tone, I'm über defensive, so I'm quick to reject it.

Cool. Remember THAT whenever the pattern starts up. (OH GOD, not this AGAIN!?!?) (I have noticed that I find myself saying the oddest things sometimes in this forum!) You are halfway there! More than halfway, since it sounds like you are determined to be rid of the thing. Once you've defused the bomb, you just have to unravel the threads that have insinuated themselves into your habits, and start doing the things that script prevented you from doing. Start small. Work your way up.

And now for the silliness if you are game: A caveat about the video - I think it is hilarious (my T passed it along to me, actually) in part because I am a big Bob Newhart fan. It *could* be triggering if you've had a really bad T. But I've been watching him since I was a kid and I love his gentle goofy slightly edgy humor. This is a spoof on his therapist character in "The Bob Newhart Show" who would never do anything remotely like this - even if it was called for! And I notice his voice occasionally coming to me when I'm getting started on some "everything is coming undone!" script. And I giggle. Which is good.

Maybe you could kind of cultivate your "inner Bob" to help defeat the voice?:) ;)

 

[Sarah_1990]

Ok - I read your original post but not the comments because there are too many. So I apologize if I repeat something that was already said.

This absolutely breaks my heart reading this... My ex who has combat PTSD left and now keeps telling me the same things you basically said in your post.

As hard as it is to accept, the people in your life LOVE YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR FAULTS. Just as I love my ex for all of his. The actual symptoms do not bother us as friends/family/lovers. What bothers us, is that the symptoms affect you so bad. So all we want to do is help in any way possible. We don't see you as a burden, because we love everything about you. We want to ease your pain just as much as you want to ease ours. We want to take all the pain away.
My ex has been pushing SOO hard away, its awful... After he saw me last weekend, and we were affectionate and stuff, I think it may have scared him that he still loved me so much and vice versa. So he has been telling me "I am not in love with you anymore. You need to move on. Someone else will treat you better. It didn't work, it happens." He feels as though he is "protecting" both of us... But really it is doing more damage than anything...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sarah_1990, This is just a gentle reminder that this is the sufferers section. Of course you can post here, just remember the view is different for us as sufferers. It is just keeping in mind where you are.

 

[saffy]

I'm so defiant....if someone says something to me in that sort of tone, I'm über defensive, so I'm quick to reject it.

Hi SoL

I know what you mean. I used to think like htis all the time. If someone said something good, I would mistrust them, I would think they had ulterior motives or was just lying to keep the peace or to be nice.

I realised that it was because I did not believe it myself. I did not actually think I was anything else but ugly and worthless, so if someone said anything different I would get defensive. I was actually protecting this warped view I had about myself.

If someone said I was ugly I would agree with them because that is how I thought about myself. That is what I was led to believe from my past who I was. It was hard to convince myself that what I thought was me from my past, was not actually me at all.

It was hard to change the way I saw myself to a more positive view rather than a personal view that something was wrong with me as a person. My personal view of myself all stemmed from my trauma and how people treated me, So I thought I must be that person.

I realised that the people that led me to believe such things about myself were manipulators, users, abusers and selfish egotistical menaces who wanted to keep me down there to make them feel bigger and better in themselves.

When I looked at those people as if I was a stranger, if I saw them for the first time, my head told me what horrible people they actually were, what type of people they were and I wondered how they got away with being such people and still come out on top.

I realised that they were just devious, manipulative and purposely hurtful and got away with it because they preyed on people like me who would be happy to listen and believe what they said and did.

I can't blame myself for this at all, it was a type of brainwashing.

Once I realised what the behaviours and attitudes where of these abusers, I understood that I did not think like this at all. I was nothing like them but actually a much better person. I then felt it was time to get to know myself properly. Not the conditioned self, not the abused self but me the person inside who if was met by a stranger would be a beautiful person both inside and out.

I di not go around manipulating anyone, or abusing them or intentionally hurting anyone. I am sure you do not either.

So I learnt to stop beating myself up and tell myself maturely and openly that to others I can be whoever I want to be, from others I expect respect and kindness, if not I can walk away from others who are negative. I just have to be positive about myself based on what I have learnt and beleive about myself now as the good person I am inside, not the abused or conditioned person I though I was.

I hope this makes sense to you SoL. I can see you are a loving, caring and considerate person who has lost herself and that comes from the heart, although you will probably be defending your current self against what I have said. ;)

Inside you there is a beautiful person, you just have to find her and tell everyone she is here. :hug:

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Saffy,
Much of what you say rings true. I'm trying to be more open so that I can accept the good things people say about me and not so readily accept the bad things.

I'm really struggling with one relationship in particular right now; the one with my mother. I've posted about my struggles in another thread so I'm not sure if you've read it or not. Well I've realized over the past week that the negative critical voice in my head comes from her, and pretty much only her. It was a week and a half ago that I realized she had no respect for my boundaries whatsoever, nor does she care about my healing. This was evidenced by quite a few incidents, the latest being the church thing. After I made this realization I knew I no longer wanted her in my life.

Since I've removed her from my life, I feel a lot less turmoil. I still struggle, but it's a lot less tumultuous. I think that the farther away I can get from her, the better I'll do.

 

[Eleanor]

Well I've realized over the past week that the negative critical voice in my head comes from her, and pretty much only her.

Wow, that is a huge realization, I hope the decision was an "easy call" once you looked clearly at the facts (they often are.) I am glad you are not struggling so much.

I then felt it was time to get to know myself properly. Not the conditioned self, not the abused self but me the person inside who if was met by a stranger would be a beautiful person both inside and out.

This is beautifully said, Saffy.

So I learnt to stop beating myself up and tell myself maturely and openly that to others I can be whoever I want to be, from others I expect respect and kindness, if not I can walk away from others who are negative.

Amen to that. We live in a people rich world. With, what? 7 BILLION people on the planet, we can each afford to be choosy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wow, that is a huge realization, I hope the decision was an "easy call" once you looked clearly at the facts (they often are.) I am glad you are not struggling so much.

Yes, it was easy. At first I was dealing with the guilt issue. Then my priest told me that I didn't create this situation so I have no reason to feel guilty for merely doing something that ensures my future feelings of safety. She was right. I didn't create these situations; and I have a right to feel safe. I have a right to my boundaries; and my boundaries are in no way unreasonable or out of the ordinary, not by a looong shot.

Now I'm dealing with the issue of what to tell people. I know I don't need to advertise or broadcast the fact that I've decided to remove my mother from my life, but at the same time, there will be situations where it comes up. I'm pretty much staying quiet for now as it doesn't need to be discussed. But at some point I know my decision will be questioned by someone.

I'm remembering another post where someone mentioned giving up an inheritance because no amount of money would be worth the abuse. Others (in real life, not on the forum) reacted as if this person was crazy to just give it all up like that. But what happens when there is no money involved and you're dealing with an abusive person? The reaction is quite the opposite. People tend to ask why the heck didn't you get out sooner?!? Ok, a bit of a tangent, but it has me thinking how people are so money driven....

And I feel guilty (although I shouldn't) for abandoning family. Oh yes, most people are going to think there's something wrong with me. Why? My mother is a manipulative, controlling person who can charm her way into any situation. On the surface she looks nice enough, blah blah blah. But really, she's just toxic.

Honestly, I feel so free. Part of me thinks it's odd to feel this way, that I should be mourning the loss of my mother. But the truth is that she never really was a mother to me. For so long I was fighting for her love. I wanted her approval. Now I know she's not capable of such feelings.

Thanks for reading...I know it was long!

 

[Eleanor]

Way to go SoL! Something tells me that with the actual voice of your mother exiled, that the "virtual" voice will be MUCH easier to deal with (GO AWAY MOTHER!)

And totally right about the guilt.

If anyone asks you don't have to answer that question - you can always answer another one of your choosing.:D Like what you think the prospects of the local baseball team are, or how the latest twist in some fictional drama seems to you, or what the prospects are for the weather in the next week... Others will have better ideas, but I like to remember that just because someone ASKS a question doesn't mean I have answer it.