The Concept Of An Inner Child... Not Really Buying It

[Hashi]

I think people talk about inner child thing instead of nurturing their heart.

Interesting. That has got me thinking. My issues with anything to do with children - my own childhood, ideas about the inner child, children around me - are fundamentally issues of nurturing and compassion.

I think different people work with the inner child idea in different ways. For some people, they may find self love/self compassion easier if they are picturing themselves as a child. But maybe that means I don't have to... or something like that... still thinking!

 

[Hashi]

structural dissociation theory

I hadn't heard of this before. It looks interesting, and relevant to both the adult and childhood traumas. In fact, it might help me work out some things about amenesia/dissociation/memory that I'm trying to fit together. Thank you.

Subpersonalities are confusing to me. I don't confuse them with dissociative identity disorder, but I get muddled because I'm used to working with archetypes which are similar but slightly different.

I am not familiar as to how jungian or other achetype therapy would approach your orphan child archetype.

In terms of an archetype that is part of us our whole lives, like the Child archetype, it is acceptance and working with it. It sheds light on why we are the way we are - it's part of our makeup, so understanding it helps us to understand ourselves and our motivations.

In fact, I'm starting to think that I have a kind of double whammy when it comes to the idea of nurturing a child part of myself - one is that I don't have much idea of what nurturing is, and the other is that archetypally I'm a tough and independent child who doesn't expect to be taken care of by others.

When I hear things about the inner child I often react with the thought that it's infantilising. I can't bear this feeling. I hate seeing it even in actual infants! Why do some children have to be so childish? I don't mean that as a joke or ridiculous question. Some children are more self-contained than others. My sympathies are firmly with the more self-contained.

In the past I've done a couple of journal dialogues with my child archetype (which was really difficult for me) and I was struck by how serious she is. Not serious as in glum or unnatural, but as a thoughtful and intense child. I'm a very intense person, and I hadn't realised how much this comes from my child archetype.

I have seen a playful side of you and an innocent feeling side

Yes, fine to say. :)

I'm very playful, surprisingly. In real life that's a strong characteristic. When I'm able to function, I'm a lot of fun. I have trouble connecting that to a child part of myself because it's not something that got less as I got older, it was the opposite. Being a child wasn't much fun but the older and more in control of my own life I got, the more I could express that side of me. So, bizarrely, I see it as an adult characteristic.

*sighs* child = serious, adult = fun? Actually, although serious isn't in itself negative I have a ton of negative associations with almost everything about being a child, especially compared to being a more powerful adult. Is it any wonder I have trouble with any kind of child concept?

Would you be willing to say more about what you mean by innocent feeling side? I'm not sure I understand this.

 

[Hashi]

This is a fine concept for someone who didn't suffer trauma as a child; for someone who did, though, childhood is anything but innocent and playful.

Exactly.

I still don't see it as innocent, for any child. I just don't get the innocence thing. I think children are needy and insecure and act accordingly. For me, the fact that they don't have much knowledge or skill at it yet doesn't change the fact that they are to some extent lying and manipulative. The fact that they (the non-traumatised ones) don't have to worry about money or housing doesn't stop them from worrying about their own trivia.

I also have a bit of problem with the idea of innocence. If it's innate innocence, then surely we still have that as adults. If it's especially to do with the state of childhood, that seems to imply blame and guilt lying ahead. If children are naturally innocent, does that mean as an adult I'm guilty? Of what?

 

[Tanishq]

they may find self love/self compassion easier if they are picturing themselves as a child.

Hashi, this is what I think and I also agree on it. Those who received good treatment, support and love. They learn, accept themselves and also love themselves. Those who have missed it, find very hard as life progresses. Loving is important thing to learn.

Childhood stage is very sensitive stage of human life. It does effect and decide where you are directed.

 

[Hashi]

The confusion seems to be that the concept has been adopted by different schools of thought and, thus, defined in different ways... So, we have to go on forums like this and figure it out for ourselves, together. :)

Yes. :)

And I seem to be having trouble relating to any of the schools of thought. :p

And now I'm working my way through this thread backwards. :eek:

 

[Tanishq]

I don't really understand the inner child thing because I never felt I was a child

Me neither Britt. I was treated like immature person when I was kid. I can understand why you are feeling.

Dad was an adult person, though he treated me like I am almost his age. That's where I kept getting beaten regularly.

So many people told me children are immature and they don't understand. Obviously, how they will understand. They are still new to this world. I don't understand how some people can be so harsh towards children and expect maturity from them like they do.

 

[Pencil]

Subpersonalities are confusing to me.

Hi Hashi, I've been following this thread, but have not participated as I'm very clear about where I stand in relation to all of this.

Google the following article by Steele et al (who are the structural dissociation gurus): Phase-Oriented Treatment of Structural Dissociation in Complex Traumatization: Overcoming Trauma-Related Phobias.

It might explain, if you relate to the idea of having EPs, why you don't connect with them. To me it explains why I find it impossible to take care of that part of me.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi,

There is a lot I have to say but for now:

maybe that means I don't have to

I do think we don't have to approach things like others do to get the same benefit.

Subpersonalities are confusing to me. I'm used to working with archetypes which are similar but slightly different.

The reason I posted that wiki link is that it actually included archetypes in the concept of subpersonalities. I read up a very little after I read your orphan child stuff and then tried to get in touch with the big picture for how this fits together across approaches. But it seems there is a fundemental difference in how they are dealt with and what divides them and it seems that that is maybe a sticking point for you.

I don't know if you have actually looked at transactional analysis but looking at it might make it clearer even though I doubt it would gel. In its simple form it is much simpler than archetypes. All playful behaviour for example would be considered the playful child mode. And self destructive behaviour, emotional meltdowns and acting out in various ways would be a child behaviour too. The good part of the theory to my mind is how being in one role can elicit another role in others. For example critical parent almost always forces the other person into child. Even "teaching" can create that reaction in others.

I can see how your concepts of child states and childhood alienate you from these concepts of a child and when I looked at the orphan child I think it explains it well. Something like transactional analysis would say that you could look at ways to help your serious child enjoy play but it seems archetypes encourage the orphan to believe in her independence.

On a personal note I again felt torn when I read the child archetypes. I think my orphan child (most dominant) is bullying my wounded child terribly. It hates the wounded child and everything it stands for. And I think that is part of why looking at an inner child in general just fills me with rage aimed at myself.

it is acceptance and working with it

I think I understood that. Interesting that there doesnt seem to be focus on letting her play and be less grown up.

innocent feeling

I guess I meant when you are vulnerable and hurting and expressing that in an unapologetic way. Innocence possibly means something different to you.

innocent, does that mean as an adult I'm guilty?

I don't see innocence as just the opposite of guilt at all. In other contexts I see it as less burdened by or not benefiting from second guessing and awareness or control in general and that is how I see the concept of innocence when it is related to childhood. An example that comes to me is my niece telling my mother that she loves zombies and that my mother looks one because of her wrinkles. I don't know if that makes sense.

The inner child is not just good according to transactional analysis for example. It is rather less controlled. Less aware. And that has both good and bad contexts. Addictions would be a bad one for example. Loving the inner child can also mean putting down strong boundaries.

It isn't that children are "good" through and through. Really many children are cruel and base in the extreme as well as self focused.

 

[Abstract]

I identified with some aspects of the silent child archetype as well. In many ways that is what my dissociative side feels like.

 

[Hashi]

The reason I posted that wiki link is that it actually included archetypes in the concept of subpersonalities

Abstract, sorry I don't have time to respond properly as I need to log off now, but just wanted to ask if I'm missing something in the link. I can't see anything about archetypes in it.

 

[Abstract]

Sorry Hashi as I just looked at it again and you are right. The one I linked does not mention it directly. It mentions Jungian therapy but does not name archetypes as such. I had read elsewhere that that is what they were referring to if I am not mistaken. In other words they tend to be concepts and different approaches have slightly different ways of naming the concept and differences in what they include or exclude. Its easy to see the term "subpersonality" and jump to what that would mean I think. Even CBT does it I believe in the form of schemas. I hope that makes some sense.

 

[Hashi]

I think the main difference between subpersonalities and the way I work with archetypes is that some archetypes are lifelong. We're born with them, we don't choose them or create them in response to experiences.

The Orphan Child archetype is not something that I would try to alter, it's like the colour of my eyes. Understanding that helps me understand why I react to some things the way I do. I might choose to act differently, but I need to do that consciously. Otherwise, my patterns of thought and behaviour will be driven unconsciously by that archetype.