Restoring Relationships With Your S O

[intothelight]

I think all of us, both sufferer and supporter, can agree that PTSD takes a heavy toll on relationships. Many times it is the people who love and support us the most that suffer the worst of our PTSD. It can seem that overnight the person they once knew has been taken away and what remains is a complete stranger. But the good news is that people do heal from PTSD and can enter into meaningful, healthy, and mutually rewarding relationships with spouses, significant others, friends, and family.

But the problem I am running into is "how do you get here from there"? Yes, it is my responsibility to work on my issues and to be as mentally healthy as I can be, but it takes two to revitalize, strengthen and heal the damage done to a relationship. Trauma, illness (mental and physical), life changes and age make everyone change and change is not necessarily bad, but sometimes change and just plain old life can leave two people very disconnected.

Here are some of the areas that I find difficult in repairing my relationship:

1) Communication - I have no problems talking at this point and perhaps I talk too much. But at the same time I find my husband is completely closed off to discussing anything relationship related or "sensitive". I find a lot of the same "stinkin thinkin" occurring in him that I experienced and communication seems to go in a big circle and ends up at the same spot.

2) Trust - OK, here I seem to be willing to jump in feet first and let the past be the past. I have learned to leave it there and take with me the life lessons that apply to the present, but other than that to focus on the past will leave me with nothing but fear, insecurity, resentment, etc. On the other hand my spouse and other family members seem to be afraid to trust that I am better.

3) Intimacy and Affection - There was a time that I couldn't stand for anyone to touch me as I would jump to the ceiling or it caused the worst of flashbacks. But with therapy and time I find myself craving affection and intimacy, but again I am running into a brick wall. My husband seems terrified to open up and allow himself to be affectionate or intimate.

I would love feedback from Supporters and Sufferers who have had or have similar relationship issues and what you have/are doing that helps to restore the relationship. I would also like a male point of view as honestly, I don't get how men think. But shoot, it has taken me years of therapy to understand how I think. Not that I read thoughts, but sometimes the sharing of experience can shed a different light and bring a better understanding.

 

[The Albatross]

I think this would be a great "Ask Anthony" question (though I might cringe a bit about his directness).

 

[sol1107]

Communication sucks. It's just seems impossible to talk to someone who can't possibly understand what's rattling around in your head. It took a toll on my wife, trying to figure out how to talk to me when I refused to talk to her. I thought, "She can't help me. She doesn't know what it's like." The worst part is, the emotional stress I caused her has locked her away in a bubble, so now I'm feeling the same thing she felt for years. All I can offer her is time to open back up. I know the damage the lack of communication can cause, but now that I understand the source, I feel like I can fight the effects that broke her down.

For a while, I couldn't trust my wife, but after a couple therapy sessions, I realized it was a flaw in my cognitive process and she was as innocent as could be.

 

[Nicolette]

I have been thinking about this and I see there are a multitude of factors/problems.

Being a supporter you do get hurt by PTSD even if unintentional. The problem with this, as is with PTSD, it is sometimes hard to process that someone who says they love you hurts you in such ways. Some days like today, I feel sick in the stomach with hurt yet my SO is okay as his bad day was yesterday. I am not over it yet, he is, he didn't see it as such a big thing, for me it hurt deeply as he crossed boundaries I disapprove of. So, while he is ready to continue on as normal I am not yet. Take that and apply it on a larger scale, by many events and like a Sufferer with PTSD, it takes time to process this hurt, confusion and each time it leaves a wound. The wounds heal but the scars don't so it takes a lot to switch out of a somewhat self protective or numbing emotional mode - just like a Sufferer needs time to work through their trauma.

I can't speak for your situation Deb as the shoe is on the other foot so what you see as your 'problem areas' may not be your husband's. I don't know all of your story either.

With intimacy I can say at the start I was more interested but now I am less and each PTSD episode cuts a little into exposing myself to such intimacy when I don't know the next time I will be hurt. I can't do 'make up sex' from PTSD... as in there have been days of isolation and then when that is over sex is wanted while I am still processing being emotionally abandoned and proceeding with caution. I now have peri-menopause to add to that so who knows what my poor old hormones are doing.

I don't feel up to addressing your other points but this is my feeling on the subject today. I am probably emotionally exhausted and have not slept well so maybe in a couple of days time I can add something more valuable.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have been thinking about this too. Therapist and I talk about it.

Now that I am recovering and finding my feet, I also find myself running about trying to pick up the pieces of my marriage. It is not easy. Husband no longer trusts me like he used too and he is unsure about my needs and limits. It is hard not to leap ahead with my thoughts and actions because I find Husband does not know how to handle the 'feeling stable' me.

I worry about him leaving me because he will use phrases like 'Nothing in common' and 'Can barely stand you'. I realize though that he is unsure of me and my intentions and I think he is trying to protect himself from feeling hurt.

It is going to take time and a lot of emotional exhaustion. I just hope I can gain his trust again.

Very good list Debbie. :) That is a lot of insight. I am sure I will have more to add later.

 

[Nicolette]

I just hope I can gain his trust again.

Dare I say, everything we gave which PTSD slowly took away and...

It is going to take time and a lot of emotional exhaustion

again what we went through and dealt with as well our SO did as they tried to heal. It's like a vicious circle where everyone gets robbed at some point.

 

[intothelight]

Being a supporter you do get hurt by PTSD even if unintentional. The problem with this, as is with PTSD, it is sometimes hard to process that someone who says they love you hurts you in such ways.

This is a really good point and I have to think about it for a while. When what is expressed verbally is incongruent with repeated behavior, of course trust would be broken, shaken, guarded and probably far more. From a sufferer's perspective, most of their abuse was intentional, and that is where the understanding gets difficult. It lies in the intent and how do people process that? That is why it is it can be OK for the sufferer the next day, hour or so on. On the flip side, hurt is hurt and no one wants to put themselves in a position to be repeatedly hurt. I fully understand that, but again, how do people move forward?

Take that and apply it on a larger scale, by many events and like a Sufferer with PTSD, it takes time to process this hurt, confusion and each time it leaves a wound. The wounds heal but the scars don't so it takes a lot to switch out of a somewhat self protective or numbing emotional mode - just like a Sufferer needs time to work through their trauma.

That makes total sense from anyone's perspective. When you stick your hand in a fire, you get burned and learn to back away from the fire. That is what I am finding with my husband, the emotional numbing. The sad thing is, that was the same thing that I did that hurt him the most. Only it really wasn't him I was pulling back from it was life. He is pulling back from me and that is the reality that has to be faced. Sufferers may not pull back from their SO, it is much bigger than that. But our SO's pull back from us because we are the source of their hurt. Tough to accept and again, how do you go about rebuilding that trust and letting someone know you are a safe person?

The saddest thing for me is I am at a place where I really need support and can move forward. Being out here on my own and dealing with these emotions and realizations is so hard. To proceed I am afraid I'll break, but not proceed is to not recover. One hell of an emotional catch 22.

 

[The Albatross]

Deb, you know my situation with my spouse pretty well. I try to remind myself that just as he has to regain my trust and that the best way to do that is time and consistency... I have to endeavor to do that as well, and as much as I'd like it all to be fully repaired and restored it's going to take time and consistency on my part too as I continue to hone my ability to manage my PTSD and try to heal the hurts we caused to each other.

"A broken bone heals stronger than it was before."
"Be a living amends and extend to others in as much as you are able to treat others as you'd like them to treat you."
"Reaffirm love and partnership, and cultivate union rather than divisiveness."

I try to put little quotes or thoughts in my head every day and it makes me better able to be a safer person to my partner when I am able to get out of my own wants/needs/and desires and shift the focus onto respecting him as my husband. It is getting easier with practice and I choose to manage the feelings independently.

Nicolette has some great points and I for one would love her to continue. It is an uncomfortable feeling for me to know that my behaviors, harmed my spouse. I've got an equal share in the dysfunction of my marriage. On the advice of good intentioned people, we have made some progress. Periodically, one or the other of us suggests a marriage retreat. I expect one will be in our future at some point. We will not go back into therapy at this point, as we have been there enough to know that underneath the difficulties and problems, we both really do love each other.

It has been hard to learn my husband's "language". I have to remind myself that in spite of his closeness to me he is in some ways foreign and strange. Just as I am to him. We chip away at learning each other's language... it is very slow to improve. But it does improve.

 

[The Albatross]

The saddest thing for me is I am at a place where I really need support and can move forward. Being out here on my own and dealing with these emotions and realizations is so hard. To proceed I am afraid I'll break, but not proceed is to not recover. One hell of an emotional catch 22.

Manage the emotions, and fear of breaking. Not to proceed is not to recover the relationship. Damn the torpedoes, has been my motto... you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. In my own mind, I'm already a Humpty Dumpty. If I break apart, I am getting pretty astute and quicker at putting myself together again. But if I don't try, then the relationship stays where it's at, and the status quo is not the life relationship I want. If I want more, I have to be willing to get past the fears and try. I do try. I have a peaceable home now almost all the old tapes/behaviors and way of communicating is gone. But trying to learn what is next, when it hasn't been modeled to me... well, that's really hard.

I don't know of anyone in my life experience that has gone through this, no experience to draw on. That's what makes it so fear inducing. But if I can swing a mindset and some emotional availability, perhaps I can approach this relationship/intimacy issue like I have my PTSD recovery. Education, peer support, goals/challenges. (?)

 

[intothelight]

But if I can swing a mindset and some emotional availability, perhaps I can approach this relationship/intimacy issue like I have my PTSD recovery. Education, peer support, goals/challenges. (?)

Yes, that is the ONLY option at this point for me. My SO is shut down and I keep telling myself to be open, honest and that with time, my behavior will match what I say. But that also is scary as it puts an individual in a bit of a trick bag, where I know there will be fair-ups and then will a PTSD outburst negate every positive thing gained? I don't know.

This is also a new level of recovery for me. It is looking out and not just in and repairing the relationships around me. Not just me being healthy, but relationships being healthy. There is a lot of fear in this and I know the fear is a lot of the PTSD or maybe not, I don't know. Who knows whats normal or not and really I have to address my own fears. So today it feels like a catch 22 and that is how it is going to feel for today. I am OK with that, because sometimes when I get "stuck" it takes a few days to get "unstuck" but I do move forward.

 

[The Albatross]

This weekend my husband did several loving things for me. He is beginning to reciprocate. He bought me a hummingbird feeder, last week he brought me some plants for in front of the house, he had baked gluten free brownies in a heart shaped pan one night, and gave me two chocolate bunnies yesterday, took me to supper, and had red velvet cup cakes waiting at home for dessert.

We are both making efforts... and tiptoeing around this thing. Both shy and in our own troubled minds about who is going to break the ice, when and how, and what will happen afterward.

 

[Nicolette]

Hmmm.... I'll think about this while I'm at work today as I find it a fascinating topic and I love seeing people with PTSD wanting to move forward.

Earlier this year I had been blessed with Anthony barely suffering from PTSD and it was wonderful. I thought his weight change and management was great and I even pulled away from the forum in the false mindset that PTSD would have less of a grip on our lives. It was liberating.

Heart surgery proved to me how idiotic my thinking is as it re-affirmed that every time my world crumbled my husband would eventually too. I get it, I accept it, but it puts so much unseen pressure on me.

I went away for 2 days a week ago and rather than miss me and come home to excitement I feel guilty for going as he tells me he doesn't sleep while I'm away. Initially I thought that was sweet but the reality is little sleep breaks him down and I'm again faced with the PTSD monster coming out to play from hiding around the corner. I knew it was there but life still happens.

This takes me back to saying, an odd incident and it's okay, but just when you let your guard down as a Supporter, breathe a sigh of relief and forget to proceed with caution, PTSD can bite you both on the bum and drag you back. While it may be less severe, the other problem is you slowly adjust to a new 'normal' so what was once mild is now perceived as significant.... Does this make sense?