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So it's been awhile since I've posted and that is mainly because like many people who post I typically only post when I'm unhappy or have a problem. I have been happy. If you read some of my previous posts you will see that my sufferer had left me and our baby months ago and we have been struggling since. He has PTSD and is an alcoholic. I am codependent. Our baby is caught in the middle of this mess.
I stated that I was happy but please let me explain why. My sufferer didn't come home but he started to spend a considerable amount of time back at home. He slept at home several nights a week and spent most days with us. We did things as a family and were affectionate. He still drank but I swept that under the rug. I mean come on big deal right?! I was SO HAPPY! I was thinking this whole time that we were on the path to reconciliation and was loving it. Having him around was relieving my stress and in turn allowing me to stress him less.
As time passed I thought I knew when the right time had come to approach the topic of him officially coming home so I did. I will cut to the chase and remove all of the details about how it came about but pretty much after that he told me to kick rocks and he wants nothing to do with me and we haven't seen or heard from him now for several days.
So here I am again. At this point I am looking to all of you for guidance not on what to do about him and his distance but what to do about our daughter. I find myself so furious about how he can just pick and choose when he wants to be a father that I could break things.
I know he will contact me in a few days and be standoffish. He will say something like "I'm coming over to see her." I feel this is just plain wrong. I am furious that he has all of this control over me and how my life goes.
Is it wrong for me to say no you will not! Is it wrong of me to say you cannot pick and choose when to be in her life? Some people say yes and others say no. Is it my own anger and resentment about how he treats me that causes me to feel this way?
Am I protecting her from future pain because he may always be this way? She is only 9 months now so I know she doesn't understand but what about when she is older? She will know.
Please let me know what your experiences have been.
Should I be taking more control over this?
Should I have strict boundaries and if so what should they be?
Children are far more resilient than we give them credit for. I would be more concerned about your daughter seeing your husband being drunk that him being 'on and off' and only coming over when well. For her sake he might be unreliable but she isn't exposed to habits which you don't want her to grow up seeing as acceptable.
I believe you should have 'boundaries' but strictness is in the eye of the beholder. At this young age the boundaries I would enforce are not being around your daughter while drinking or intoxicated, respect for her sleep/wake routine and no dropping in unannounced if he is not living with you. I would start from there and then work from there. You can't change it all overnight and you have to see how 'everyone' adapts. I also don't feel like a ton of rules placed upon a PTSD Sufferer at once is fair - my first focus would be around alcoholism.
He is her father and don't rob her of that - I was and it's not something you can ever repair or rebuild to that of one with growing up with your parent and getting to know them. My son's father is shocking but my son still loves him and knows he takes drugs, he can't count on him, he is not reliable, dependable etc but he doesn't resent me for any of that and accepts his father's short comings.....
I am afraid I don't know your history so may be missing things but I would say a few things would affect what access I think he should get. Is he a good father? Do they interact well? Other than the distance is he someone that can give your daughter something in her life.
If he is a positive influence in her life other than his lack of reliability then unfortunately for you I would say it would be wrong to deny her access to him. She will be hurt by his lack of reliability but not having a father is more problematic. Its difficult for me to say as personally I would have been far better off without and its tempting to let that influence but from what I know about child development I can't say that.
If he is volatile or abusive in a way that would be unhealthy for her or relates to her in a concerning way then that is totally different and denying him access would be wise.
I do think you need to discuss how his behaviour impacts her and you regardless and you should not just take this lying down especially personally but I would not do so by denying him access to her. Access to you yes certainly but not her. He is the only father she will have in her life.
PS. I just have a niggling concern that won't go away. I hope you are not tempted to use your daughter as weapon or means of attempting to control or punish her father. That would be very wrong.
Is it wrong for me to say no you will not! Is it wrong of me to say you cannot pick and choose when to be in her life? Some people say yes and others say no. Is it my own anger and resentment about how he treats me that causes me to feel this way?
Hi my father (also my abuser) but before that happened, well he still had lots wrong with him. I won't go into all the context of this but essentially he would say he was coming to see us on a given day at a given time, then not show up for 6,7,8 hrs after, or the next day or any time he felt really. You know what I learned quite subconsciously, that you wait at the expense of your own heart break for love. He may not realize it or intend it but he will be demonstrating by default to his little girl that she should doubt her value. If it continues as she gets older she will wonder why she isn't good enough for her dad not to want to come and see her or not come when he says he will or why it's always on his terms, are hers not good enough?
That's quite a damaging thing for any child to learn and take into adulthood. Kids need a stable and positive environment end of...him, you, his ptsd, your anger, its irrelevant. Unfortunately if you feel you have to enforce this, you will be cast as the bad guy....Also, he's drinking....that isn't good for your kid.
He is a wonderful father and I reading both both of your posts made me see that it is my own anger and not a true fear for my daughter that is wanting me to restrict access to her.
I do think that it is still important for me to restrict access to me. I think I have allowed the roller coaster with our relationship to much leeway.
He does not drink when he has the baby but up until now he hasn't had the baby outside of our home. It has been set up this way because of how flexible I have been about allowing him to be home with us. If I don't allow him to be home then he will have to take her out of our home and I don't know what will happen then. At this point I trust he will not drink.
Nicolette I agree that putting rules on him is most likely the wrong thing to do and again just me trying to control everything out of anger.
There is a part of me that really wants him to be a horrible father so I can have a reason to walk away completely. I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth.
Just sort of had a revelation here.... I read and replied to nicolette and abstracts posts and when I did that I was focussing completely on my sufferer and his actions. You can see there that when I was focused on him that my responses were that I thought he was a great father.
Skip down to where I read and responded to Springers comment. At that point I had read about a daughter who felt her father didn't love her and I was sort of transported to thinking about MY dad. Once I started to think about my father the whole mood changed and I responded negatively and felt negatively all over again.
This made me feel that although he has PTSD and isn't reliable, my anger and resentment is most likely not about him and what is happening between us. It is probably 99% about what happened to me and my fear of it repeating itself.
Yes it's possible he will do the same thing my father did because he has shown sign of it but it's also possible he won't because he is a completely different person.
Precisely, now I'm not a mum and when I talk to my mum abou our upbringing I wished she had gone away before we were big enough to realize what we (thought) were missing. I said o my mum over and over again that her happiness and stability would have guaranteed ours. She should have just left and gone and lived in her sisers house when things got really bad when we were three, but she was scared and afraid of what her family would say about divorce and scared people would ask her questions about how bad things had really got. It was another three years before she divorced him and then she was afraid of what people would say if she took her children away from their father.
Thing is a parent is a role, anyone with working genatlais can become one. But the difference beween a father and a good person is massive. My father was a b**tard, that doesn't mean he is suddenly a paragon of virtue wih his kids, he's still a b**tard only with access to young impressionable minds and bodies and an abiliy to torment his ex.
Ask yourself this. Is he a good person. Was he dependable and loving to his family, friends, people in general and you before his ptsd? If you haven' known him without his ptsd hen ask yourself the same questions. Was he honestly your sunshine or was it co-dependence all along.
Credit to you that you can tell your anger is a part of your motivation here. I think your fears about the affects of his inconsistency are very valid. And the more they happen the more impact.
Prior to him leaving this last time has been reliable with her and done what he has promised to do? How often has he been unreliable/absent?
From what you say you don't seem sure about his ability to safely care for her if you are not there. That is a concern. I am not sure how bad the drinking is and if it affects his behaviour or not.
Very wrongly what some spouses do is avoid seeing the child as they low tolerance level to dealing with conflict with the ex spouse/other parent. That is totally unacceptable as all other issues should not affect the innocent party - the child. Its awful that you should be in this situation but I think a good conversation would be along the lines that whatever happens between the two of you that it should not affect your child and that it is still important that he sees her her regardless and that disappearing could make her feel unloved and unlovable.
I hope he sees how important he is in her life and that you figure out a way to ensure she is safe when interacting with him and still protect yourself.
Yes it's possible he will do the same thing my father did because he has shown sign of it but it's also possible he won't because he is a completely different person
Springers questions are good ones. And I relate a lot Springer. It is so painful it is hard for me to be impartial.
Liv credit to you. I like the way you look at yourself honestly. It is a great strength.
Very helpful for you to know that the biggest part of this is coming from your own abandonment from your father. If you can somehow communicate that to your daughters father at the right time and in the least possible threatening manner possible then I hope you can get through to him.
I think looking at boundaries for you both and the best way to make it as pleasant as possible for all concerned can facilitate this happening too.
I think you need to listen to your gut more and not what people may think. If you do what you need to do for yourself to become strong then that is the lesson you will show your kids. If he's serious about himself (first) and his children then he will get help to sober up and be a decent functioning person first and then by extension a good parent.
Don get me wrong, I am not anti men in any way...in fact I would have given and would still give my eye teeth to have had/have a loving compassionate men/man in my family or as a partner. It's an ongoing thing, I'm still hopeful.
It is so painful it is hard for me to be impartial.....I like the way you look at yourself honestly. It is a great strength.....Very helpful for you to know that the biggest part of this is coming from your own abandonment from your father. If you can somehow communicate that to your daughters father at the right time and in the least possible threatening manner possible then I hope you can get through to him.
I'm a bi suprised by this bu I disagree, to me his stuff is none negotiable. He sorts himself out and proves he's bothered and THEN you can talk business.
If the larger portion of this is about your abandonment then surely its comes up because you can see/feel the same thing happening again o the next generation and therefore are angry. I would strongly advise against opening his can of worms up with your partner unless you trust him massively bu since you say your worried about you codependency I'd say NO don't tell him cos it is one major button for him to push with you and use against you and your daughter.
Like you said when you put yourself first, which is what you should do as the main provider for your child hen your whole perspective regarding it changes. It's tough cos girls aren't brought up to think or behave like this and are often derided for it. But of course the women is also blamed if your child is damaged by her upbringing due to contact with an unsuitable partner. So really I'd just stick two fingers up to other peoples judgement cos your damned if you do, damned if you don't.
a few things would affect what access I think he should get. Is he a good father? Do they interact well? Other than the distance is he someone that can give your daughter something in her life.
