Relationship Ptsd Meets Codependency, They Have A Baby.... Dun Dun Dun. Now What?

[Bilby]

I agree with a lot of what nursenurse has to say.

I think if the relationship is over, setting clear legal boundaries is a wise step (as one who has been there, done that). That said, you need to also work out what things you believe you can reasonably establish with him with regards to access to your child - communication is so beneficial, even when a couple have separated. Things can get awfully messy when communication falls by the wayside - sometimes this is far easier said than done, however.

I wouldn't ever suggest that PTSD is cause to deny a child access to a parent, but if you have concerns about the alcohol abuse, then that can't be ignored.

I think the questions you need to ask yourself are - what is best for your daughter? What is best for you?

As nursenurse has suggested (I believe I am interpreting this correctly) - if you take some legal steps to ensure that your daughter has appropriate access to her Father, then this will prevent the situation where he is just dropping over, which can be intrusive for you when you are trying to move on and readjust to your new circumstances.

Whatever you do - good luck, I appreciate that it's a difficult situation to be in.

B x

 

[nursenurse]

You're nothing, if not honest, Livy's Mom :) I still would do the legal beagle stuff. It's only as good as the enforcement behind it, but it would give you some legal basis to limiting his behaviour. If he steps up, great, but I still say that it is not reasonable to have the welcome mat out for him 24 hours a day. He is not there with you, and you still have a life.

You have so much on your plate, and I understand that you love your guy. But if you read your words, and this is all any of us readers have to go on, you are setting up your child for a life of heartache. She has a right to see her Dad, of course, and he has a right to see her, it sounds like he loves as much as he can in his own way. But that should not make you a doormat. If he helps himself and amends his ways, you can always forget about a legal agreement, have it rescinded or whatever. But I would get my ducks in a row. You need to protect her, and yourself, although I don't think you quite see that at the moment. Not a criticism, just an observation from someone who has seen people and kids get screwed because again, the heart was not tempered with the head.

Wishing you all the best, I know it is hard wrestling with everything.

 

[nursenurse]

Bilby, you interpreted my post correctly, and thanks!

 

[Bilby]

He cannot provide a safe home for her. He does not show up when he needs to so I can go to work due to drunken nights. He disappears for days with no contact with his daughter. He comes back for a week or so with actions that give me the impression that he wants to be a family then leaves again. He does drink and drive. I have suspected that he had a beer or two and driven with the baby.

Again, very sound reasons right there to take legal steps, if that is the path you choose to go down. If he cannot provide a safe home and you have questions about his sobriety whilst driving with her in the car, then they are things you can't ignore. I'm certainly not trying to crucify you here - I just want you to think about these things if you pursue this.

That leaves me to wonder if what I do to protect her will even be enough. Will my cover up even work?

As a mother, you do the very best that you can for your children. This doesn't mean we are perfect - but we do the best we can at the time, with the tools and information we have available to us. Be (age-appropriately) honest with your daughter, without speaking ill of her Dad (can be difficult, I know) but these are the things that your daughter will remember.

 

[nursenurse]

Just reading the quotes that Bilby re-posted, and you do have to ask yourself, who's best interests are being served if you continue on because YOU love the man (of course you do, and so does your daughter)?Those aren't boundaries you need to be setting, they are legal requirements, and you need to put your child's safety ahead of all else, love won't bring back a dead child, or heal an injured one. And you would never be able to forgive yourself.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Not a criticism, just an observation from someone who has seen people and kids get screwed because again, the heart was not tempered with the head.

I understand what you are saying here. I have been making decisions based on my feelings for the man and not on the well being of me or my daughter.

I don't want to believe he is capable of causing harm to her but I wouldn't be asking the questions here if I didn't have something inside of me that thought it was more than a little bit possible.

There is also a part of me that doesn't want to let go which I know is completely normal. That part of me has fear. Fear that if I take the legal route I will push him further away from us. Believe me my rational mind knows that, that is the not a healthy way of thinking but it is part of who I am. It is a struggle for me not to make decisions from that part of me.

Making decisions based on what is best for your children forces you to change your codependent/self destructive behaviors. If I did not have my daughter I would keep going around in circles with this man allowing him to hurt me. I know I would. She is forcing me to stop the cycle. It is NOT easy for me to get off the track. I actually don't want to, I feel most comfortable here. I have no choice but to get off because I don't want her to end up like me.

I had actually told myself and others that I was allowing him to stay around for "her" and it was at my expense... I think we all know that was a lie... ha!

 

[nursenurse]

I think you are starting to think along the right path, but it is scary to take that step out and away. I think there must be a certain amount of safety in a codependent relationship, kind of like the devil you know. If it does push him away,however, then he is not the man you thought he was.

 

[Abstract]

There seem to be some very serious concerns about this man and his safety as a father Liv. I am especially concerned by the fact that you don't the home he would provide would be a safe one. That is very serious. As is the drinking and driving issue.

I really think you need to look at these issues very carefully. At present you seem to have no control about how these play out.

Also on a personal level from your first post it seems the only way you are able to keep him in your life is to tip toe around many topics and avoid discussions that really need to take place. That when you do discuss what you need to then he is gone. That seems an awfully high price to pay and for questionable pay off. Sometimes it can even inadvertently encourage someone to continue the behaviour as they are not confronted by its pathology.

 

[Livy's Mom]

You nailed it. That is exactly how I have been living. Everything is great as long as I do not bring up anything that he is uncomfortable with. If I bring up drinking, PTSD, or anything related he's a goner. This is why he left in the first place and why he continues to leave. You can see from my post that I said I hadn't posted in awhile because I was "happy". This was just me keeping my mouth shut about how I really felt. No way to live.

It is true that he cannot provide a home for her. By "safe" I mean he lives with an aunt an uncle that also drink and abuse substances. There is also a very very concerning history of sexual abuse that happened to their son that they did not report and swept under the rug as not to upset the rest of the family. Now to me that home is NOT a safe place for my daughter. I'm sure all of you would agree. My sufferer would not be able to get his own place due to his financial situation so would have to stay there. I can't accept my daughter staying in such a place. I'm uncomfortable with her even visiting the place.

When I bring up how uncomfortable I am with this he says I am just being nasty because I am angry about the relationship between he and I. I get this reaction a lot when I disagree with something he wants in regards to our daughter.

He uses my anger at our relationship situation against me. I suppose it is best then to work hard to remove the anger and just state facts 100% of the time.

 

[nursenurse]

The more I read, the more I am disliking this situation. The PTSD is not in the equation when I say this, but get out now. File legal papers for supervised access. This is a disaster waiting to happen for your daughter. That you would even consider staying embroiled in it is beyond me. Your daughter should not even be allowed to visit that place, not because of your ex, but because of the sex abuse allegations you have mentioned, and I imagine, that isn't even half of it. This smacks of total dysfunction all around.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am thinking that maybe some people are meaning to deny access by getting the law behind them but I suspect the law is pretty tricky when one wants to do that.

Not me.

I suggested it as a way to keep structure in that little girls life. She doesn't deserve to have someone wandering in and out of her life randomly. This is confusing to a child, and if there's alcohol involved, even more issues arise.

 

[nursenurse]

It is difficult to get access denial anywhere, and it may not be warranted here, but I sure as heck would insist on supervised if it is available, so that poor child doesn't have to go to that home. And as SoL said, it is also a way of providing structure to the child's life.