Relationship Ptsd Meets Codependency, They Have A Baby.... Dun Dun Dun. Now What?

[Abstract]

she should protect herself foremost and lead by example.

Hi Springer! :) I may be misunderstanding of course. What do you suggest she do action wise at this point?

 

[Springer80]

how would you feel if I said you couldn't go near my child as you have PTSD?

But in another thread you've stated that all people are responsible for their behavior and bad behavior, ptsd or not, is bad behavior. This relaionship has also been descibed as co-dependent.

I think I'm going to bow out, cos ultimately this decision is one which none of us can take by proxy. I think I've made my stance clear and yes it's based on my own experience, who's views aren't? I wish Livy's Mom the best for herself and her baby girl and I hope that Livy's Dad can become what he needs to be.

 

[Abstract]

Prime_no. I really shouldn't speak for Nicolette and she can correct me but I did not read any negative tone of voice in her post or disapproval and that it was rather a platform for her to continue her thoughts.

 

[Nicolette]

Nicolette, I posted this because Abstract said that Livy's Mom had not said it. That was all. Please don't read anything into it, as I was just giving Abstract the piece of information.

Prime-no I was trying to highlight that some members here are PTSD Sufferers and are condemning this man and the likelihood of potential access to his child due to his PTSD. I simply used what you posted as an example - I am sorry if I upset you as it was not my intention - I did say it wasn't personal and it was an example. I was highlighting the content being that Livy's Mom said he has PTSD and is an alcoholic not the fact that you quoted it to bring it to someone's attention.

This is starting to get messy so if fear of saying the wrong thing, I will apologise and move on. :)

 

[Nicolette]

But in another thread you've stated that all people are responsible for their behavior and bad behavior, ptsd or not, is bad behavior.

Yes, and still no court would be likely to rule against access to a child based on not turning up.... you are twisting my words through context.

Like I said, time for me to bow out.

 

[Springer80]

What do you suggest she do action wise at this point?

Personally, I would say that based on the little girls age (how aware of herself she is) he has a few years to get himself in shape (2/3 perhaps), get rid of the drink, keeps to structured/scheduled timetable. Any inclining of access or your daughter becoming a conduit for a power struggle and seriously consider your options.

 

[Abstract]

I think what people are not getting is that Nicolette is not approving of contact or saying that she thinks there should be contact but rather mostly that it would not be legal to just decide not to have it.

I am thinking that maybe some people are meaning to deny access by getting the law behind them but I suspect the law is pretty tricky when one wants to do that.

And I guess thats were some of my placating minded negotiations originate from. It seems unlikely from what Liv said that she would legally be allowed to stop visitation and so it seems to me putting boundaries up and attempting to educate him in the best and calmest way possible is to everyone advantage.

 

[p-no]

No worries, Nicolette.

 

[Abstract]

I would say

I think that would be a good option Springer. Especially if he is a more reasonable person.

And I hope you know that I understand/agree with your thoughts about much that you discussed in your posts and was merely realistically balancing that with advice based on what Liv will be allowed. And the affect of her not being allowed will have on her decisions and their consequences.

 

[p-no]

Nicolette, came back to apologize I apparently read into you, but you already "liked" the post, now I don't want to edit it. So, sorry for my share in the whole thing!

 

[nursenurse]

Make your decision about the permanency of your relationship. Are you going to allow him in and out at his whim? Is there a relationship at all to speak of between you? As far as your child goes, once you answer the question, and if it is no, you get a lawyer, set out legal boundaries. And you stick with them. No child should be denied access to their parent based solely on PTSD. No one. But if he continues this kind of unloving behaviour, then you need to legally protect yourself, if you decide that the relationship between you and him is not worth salvaging. If he is a good father, and you are a good mother, he will abide by a legal separation agreement which can be amended to please both of you out of the yin yang, and hopefully provide your daughter with two parents who love her regardless of their marital condition. And you will never bad mouth him to your daughter. But to continue in the limbo you are in just doesn't seem fair to either of you, or especially your daughter. Things can always change, but for now, I would do everything by the book legally, so there is no misunderstanding regarding access, not meaning to limit it, but to define when. Either you will continue to be at the plate, and he will step up to it, or he won't, assuming you will still be standing there. Your daughter's rights will be protected. And you will not have an "Open" sign flashing in your window 24 hours a day.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Sorry to have been absent from this discussion but I went to sleep. Please allow me to clarify a few things. Please keep in mind that I still love this man very much and continue to make excuses for him. Feel free to call me out on that. As a matter of fact as I am writing this I am thinking about how I can assure you all that he isn't as bad as you might think.

He is most certainly an alcoholic. Up until this point he has been the caregiver for our daughter while I work. He has never taken a drink while he was caring for her that I am aware of. He is a disable veteran due to PTSD an does not work. I have not had concerns for his ability to care for her in our home up until this point.

The concerns have come recently when he moved out. He lives with a relative. He cannot provide financially for her (child support). He spends most of his disability money on booze. He cannot provide a safe home for her. He does not show up when he needs to so I can go to work due to drunken nights. He disappears for days with no contact with his daughter. He comes back for a week or so with actions that give me the impression that he wants to be a family then leaves again. He does drink and drive. I have suspected that he had a beer or two and driven with the baby. I could not prove it... Please don't crucify me for not doing more about that. I didn't know what to do.

Now on the flip side when he is here and with her I can't say a single bad thing. He is the best. He is engaged, loving, attentive. I could go on and on.

So after reading everyones posts here is where I am at. I do believe I was projecting my own fears about my father. Do I believe what he is doing is wrong? YES. Do I fear he will do the same to my daughter? YES.

I believe Nicolette has a very good point that I can manage this to a point. She doesn't need to know he was supposed to show up at 5 but didn't until 8. I can simply say he's coming. It hurts me that I may have to do that but I do know it's wrong to keep her from him. I know it will be difficult to keep her from being hurt by him but I have to figure it out.

I don't remember specific times in my life that my father did this to me. My mother has told me it happened often. I don't have the actual memories that I play back in my mind like movies. What I do have is the empty feeling in me that was left by his actions. That leaves me to wonder if what I do to protect her will even be enough. Will my cover up even work?

Another major concern is his emotional numbing. He has this and does not believe it will affect his daughter. He refuses treatment and believes that she won't notice a thing! That should be fun around puberty...