Relationship Ptsd Meets Codependency, They Have A Baby.... Dun Dun Dun. Now What?

[Nicolette]

but essentially he would say he was coming to see us on a given day at a given time, then not show up for 6,7,8 hrs after, or the next day or any time he felt really. You know what I learned quite subconsciously, that you wait at the expense of your own heart break for love.

I believe you can manage this as the mother - have done so myself.... you can teach your children that some people are not reliable and it has nothing to do with them. For starters, if this was the case, I would be prepared for his visit and make the kids 'available' but not commit anything to the minds of the children so there is less let down and then manage that as they get older and can cope with more. At 9 months a child would be none the wiser.

Ask yourself this. Is he a good person. Was he dependable and loving to his family, friends, people in general and you before his ptsd? If you haven' known him without his ptsd hen ask yourself the same questions. Was he honestly your sunshine or was it co-dependence all along.

Springer may I be so bold to ask if you are projecting your own issues as in a court of law, none of that would have any bearing on access. At most, you may be able to push for some supervised access due to the PTSD but that only goes so far as well if he demonstrates he is no harm to the child.

 

[Abstract]

Nicolette, yes I was not meaning legally and was rather meaning them in terms of a general evaluation of if he is someone that should be part of his daughters life. As far as I understand it someone has to be extremely out there bad for the child for there not to be contact. I am no expert but I believe even criminals with concerning pasts would get supervised visitation as they consider it important for children to have access to their father.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok sorry, but I have to say this.

Wonderful parents are NOT alcoholics! You may think that it doesn't affect her but it will.

Also, have you considered setting up a legal custody/visitation agreement? I don't know much about this, but doesn't that determine when he can see her? As in minimizing the popping in and out of her life whenever he feels like it? And you'd have the added benefit of having things documented.

But really, as the adult child of an alcoholic in denial, I think you may want to re-asess the "wonderful alcoholic dad" thing.

 

[Nicolette]

Nicolette, yes I was not meaning legally and was rather meaning them in terms of a general evaluation of if he is someone that should be part of his daughters life.

I understand that Abstract. The thing is you can't generally evaluate and deny access as all it takes is court action and you have no such right so I now, after many years of heartache at the expense of the system, only focus my energies on what I can control. So, I would approach this from knowing I had to grant access and what would be the best way to facilitate it to ensure I was comfortable, my child was safe within the legal rights held by the father.

Livy's Mom says some of her reactions and assessments are based on her own issues - she at least can see those and now has the opportunity to work through it with a clearer perspective while trying not to project her own issues onto her daughter.

 

[Abstract]

I'd say NO don't tell him cos it is one major button for him to push with you and use against you and your daughter.

Springer I don't think we can assume that this man would be someone who would do something like this unless Liv says it is so.

NOT alcoholics

SOL, Liv never said he was an alcholic and we don't know how he behaves when he drinks. Or in what situations he drinks. Is he drinking 5 bears or a bottle of vodka. We don't know and I don't think we should assume.

We don't even know the extent of the lack of reliability and how often it happens.

Nicolette, your last post disappeared completely. I do wonder about people posting with their own fathers in mind and can understand the temptation.

 

[Abstract]

So, I would approach this from knowing I had to grant access and what would be the best way to facilitate it to ensure I was comfortable,

We are approaching this from the same place Nicolette. I had not gone there yet but it would not even be legal to deny him in the context of the first post.

Any consideration of how he is as a father was meant more as an exercise in awareness before deciding what route to take. If she decided he was an abusive or bad influence then she would have to start legal proceedings and see how she could control it. And even then it is unlikely it would be allowed and would rather probably result in supervised visits rather than denying them.

Livy's Mom says some of her reactions and assessments are based on her own issues

And again we are on the same page.

 

[p-no]

Abstract, just saying:

He has PTSD and is an alcoholic.

 

[Nicolette]

I do wonder about people posting with their own fathers in mind and can understand the temptation.

Agreed - I see projection coming out of the woodwork and now feel compelled to step away as members are seeing key words and responding/reacting solely to that alone. We must be careful with what brush we tars others unfairly with based on our own emotional judgement.

As for my missing post - I think I merged it with the one prior??

 

[Nicolette]

Abstract, just saying:

And? My husband has PTSD and is a father. He has become a better parent (step parent) as he has managed his illness more. He used to be an alcoholic in the uncontrolled phase of his PTSD, he hardly drinks now. How quick we are to judge yet dislike others judging us. Prime-no, this is not personal, but just an example... how would you feel if I said you couldn't go near my child as you have PTSD?

 

[Springer80]

Look I'm not blind to my own past, but my assertion still stands that a child's well-being depends on the emotional well-being of the providing parent and if Livvy's-Mum is bending over backwards to entertain some social norm with someone who is effectively in a degenerative state then she should protect herself foremost and lead by example.

 

[Abstract]

Abstract, just saying:

Oops. Thanks Prime_No. Missed that.

 

[p-no]

Nicolette, I posted this because Abstract said that Livy's Mom had not said it. That was all. Please don't read anything into it, as I was just giving Abstract the piece of information. I have not participated in this thread and not liked any post and I do not understand why you are talking to me like this for simply quoting something.

 

[p-no]

And just for the record, if you as the mother KNOWING me would think I shouldn't go near your child because I have PTSD to an extent that you can not accept near your child, please do so (theoretically speaking). That is your choice. I accept people's choices and boundaries.