Going Into Therapy With An Idea Of What You Want

[Meadowsweet]

When I first went to a doctor, I felt very ill, didn't know what was wrong with me and any confidence or trust in my own mind had been completely destroyed. So I had little option but to trust the better knowledge of the professionals.

But now I have a bit more understanding of my mind and have more confidence in myself. So, weighing up the pro's and cons of returning to therapy, I find that I'm coming up with things that I want and things that I don't want.

For example, I don't want to be treated like a victim or a survivor. I don't want to hear that I've been through a lot or that it's not my fault. I know that in my head, but it's my emotions that still respond as if it is. What I do want, is to unburden myself of secrets that I still keep - I just want to tell somebody and deal with that part of myself.

But is it ok to go into therapy with an idea of what I want? Or am I meant to let the therapist do what she knows best?

 

[Abstract]

How funny. I keep hitting into your posts coincidently.

I actually think it is essential to know what we need and what is not useful for us and to be able to share that in therapy and be heard. That does not mean that the therapist will always agree and we also need to be fairly open minded (therapy will never just be someone listening without any questions or input and it shouldn't be either) but it does mean that we are all unique and that it gets much easier once we know what does and doesn't work for us and are able to communicate it.

I have had a lot of therapy although almost all of it was not trauma related and I am very, very specific about what would not help me. Including a CBT style of dialogue between the therapist and myself.

I think most therapists are actually happy to hear more about our internal workings in this regard as it can help them help us. There is no one way of approaching things that will help everyone. For example some want no response when they share trauma secrets and others would feel distressed by such a reaction.

I actually think a history of being highly dissociative is very unhelpful. I know for me I had zero idea of how things affected me and what would and wouldn't help. Over and above what anyone who had not had therapy would experience.

but it's my emotions that still respond as if it is

How do you think this would best be addressed then? No need to answer here as it may knock things off track but something to consider.

 

[Leah123]

I actually think it is essential to know what we need and what is not useful for us and to be able to share that in therapy and be heard.

I completely agree. It's essential for me to have an agenda in therapy, it motivates me, keeps me honest, and helps me measure my progress. I also need a certain amount of strength to go in and be able to speak my truth and know that therapy is a partnership, though the therapist has more training in mental health, no one will know me better than I can know myself overall. The therapist will have insights and feedback, as Abstract said, and sometimes help me reveal things I hadn't realized, but it's up to me as the customer to ensure I get what I need.

I don't want to be treated like a victim or a survivor.

I am touchy about being identified as a survivor or victim: I mainly prefer to see myself as a strong person who made the most of a bad situation, and doesn't narrowly define myself by what was done to me, but by how I've dealt with it and my life as a whole. I'm an adult now, and responsible for myself, so sometimes the connotation of me as just a survivor or worse, a victim implies that I'm just a reaction to my past.

What I do want, is to unburden myself of secrets

A lot of what I want from therapy is to unburden myself too, my therapist defines good therapy as telling our stories until we don't need to tell them anymore, and I LOVE that analogy.

 

[cat]

You go for it Measowsweet, tell your T what you want.... my psychologist would welcome you with open arms!

What I want from therapy has always been a huge struggle for me & I've dreaded my T asking me? What me? why was someone asking my opinion? i didn't think it counted?! Ingrained from childhood its very hard to shake off.

Well, after 3yrs of therapy followed by a years break I am ready to go back & I do know what I want from therapy. Maybe this is how therapy goes, perhaps when we've worked through & understand the really bad stuff we have a greater understanding of ourselves & its easier to know & say what we want.

I'm hoping this is the case as I now feel I could answer all those difficult questions, from my next therapy course..... I want to find some forgiveness for my mother, life is too short for me to carry around the anger I've still got....... I want to be able to control my emotions more so that they dont go into overdrive when I have a disappointment or a problem.....I want to be able to say I had PTSD but now I've recovered, I am free!

Maybe it would be an idea to write to your Therapist & explain what you want before you make an appointment, he/she could give you some feedback then you wouldn't be worrying about it before you see them.

Good luck, Meadowsweet, we havent spoken for a while, time for another Birmingham meet?!

 

[Meadowsweet]

How do you think this would best be addressed then? No need to answer here as it may knock things off track but something to consider.

When I went to therapy last time, I was shocked at what happened to me when I tried to say what had happened. It opens up a side of me that is kept firmly shut outside of therapy. Something my old therapist did well was to remind me to breathe and bring me back to the present, telling me I was safe etc. I feel like to be able to let those feelings come to the surface, in a safe and controlled environment, a little bit at a time would help.

It's essential for me to have an agenda in therapy, it motivates me, keeps me honest, and helps me measure my progress. I also need a certain amount of strength to go in and be able to speak my truth and know that therapy is a partnership, though the therapist has more training in mental health, no one will know me better than I can know myself overall. The therapist will have insights and feedback, as Abstract said, and sometimes help me reveal things I hadn't realized, but it's up to me as the customer to ensure I get what I need.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense, and I see more reasons for having an idea of what I need in what you say, that I hadn't considered before.

from my next therapy course..... I want to find some forgiveness for my mother, life is too short for me to carry around the anger I've still got....... I want to be able to control my emotions more so that they don't go into overdrive when I have a disappointment or a problem.....I want to be able to say I had PTSD but now I've recovered, I am free!

They sound like really well considered goals cat. Good on you for coming up with them. I'm sure you'll do great with therapy.

Good luck, Meadowsweet, we haven't spoken for a while, time for another Birmingham meet?!

It would be really brilliant to meet up again, and well needed at the moment I think.

 

[Abstract]

. I feel like to be able to let those feelings come to the surface, in a safe and controlled environment, a little bit at a time would help

I think this is what I was wondering. I know for me it has always been really important to be strong and feel that way. And that actually got in the way of being able to just be vulnerable and allow someone to support me and to accept that vulnerable hurt of myself.

I have done a lot of work to accept those sides and it has helped me. It sounds like you have got a great attitude to it already so well done.

 

[WillyKat]

I know where you're coming from. When I started therapy again last fall, after about 10 years hiatus, I went in with an agenda. I told her that I had accomplished a lot with my previous therapist: I got to the point where I knew I did nothing wrong, that I didn't take part in my own victimization. So I listed a few things that I wanted to get into: why I'm so sensitive, intrusions, poor sleep and nightmares, anger...

So yes I think you're on the right track.

 

[Donna-1]

I saw my longterm therapist for 5 years, and we never got anywhere near what I really needed to talk about. All I could do is sit there, dissociating. I think, now, maybe she didn't have much experience with this, and didn't know how to help. She tried to coax me to talk by using sarcastic humor, and that definitely wasn't the way to go. I was not in the mood for humor.

Then I saw maybe 10 therapists over the next 10 yrs, each one for a max of 4 sessions. Then I would freak out. Then 2 months ago, I thought I would have one more go at it, and then give up if it didn't "work." This one totally gets it, from the very first session. I told her only have half a life. She asked me to confront her if she was doing something that triggered me or something that just wasn't helpful. So, last session, I did exactly that. We'll see next session how things go. It is difficult to really discuss goals of therapy, though, because I feel I hardly know who I am, much less have established goals in mind.

 

[WillyKat]

That's great progress! Sounds like you've found the right one and just as important, already have a good working relationship.