When You Experience Suicidal Ideation.

[heidi]

Its not living. Its surviving in pain for others not to be in pain. Do these horrible symptoms ever subside? Its not like I want to do it. Believe me I don't. But I can't live like this forever. I need some kind of relief.

I relate to that. It does at times feel like surviving in pain. Yesterday I was feeling full on suicidal and I read your thread and I had no idea of a response or any idea of what to do. I usually just wait until I feel better or cycle out of the worst of things. I am capable of having good days but it doesn't make the bad days any better.

It seems like everybody cycles to the bottom occasionally even the people who have had a lot of success but it seems like they do eventually come away from the bottom and sometimes they end up there again and then get out again. So I think you wait to cycle out basically. At least this is what I do because when I am in the throws of doing badly I can't think of anything I can do. I do think it's not always going to be as bad as it is for you now. And you can just wait until you're in a better place to re evaluate.

 

[rightkindofme]

Yeah,it's a cycle. I go up and down.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Maybe you need different meds. That can really make a difference.

 

[heidi]

Maybe you need different meds. That can really make a difference.

Really? Cuz what the hell meds work? He's already on three of them mind you.
If they work I want to know.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have not had good luck with meds other than pot. Most of them made my life nightmarish.

 

[cdg]

I'm gonna have to try to process memories or something. Before the benzo withdrawal kicks in. It's the only thing that brings me down. The second I think 2mrw will be a different day, I wake up feeling horrible. I'm close to the edge. It's becoming to much to take.

 

[GRANOLA]

I am very in tune with nature, it is my sancuary. I find when things are going south it feels like a storm is coming.

I am anxious for a few days, then I start getting annoyed at everyone around me. I don't want help or patronizing. Then I will have two or thre brews, T3, for my head, zopiclone and mybe an Ativan. I start sleeping more to get away from everything.

Then the anger hits, I usually get mad and negative about everything. The last time this happened I got violent and smashed a window with a chair, and some other things.

I feel that a storm is coming now! On Monday July 29th it will be the 4 year anniversary of my 18 yearold sons death.

I feel like shit!

 

[BloomInWinter]

cdg, it is time to call for help. Don't wait. There is no prize for the most suffering one can endure without help from safe, qualified professionals. Don't suffer another day. You deserve relief and yes, someday the vigilance will get better and you will have days when there is none. You survived the worst already.

GRANOLA, please be gentle with yourself on this painful anniversary. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. Rest as much as possible, comfort yourself however you can in ways which are not harmful, and keep writing it out.

 

[cdg]

Thanks for the kind words to all. My nerves have no threshold. Any attempt to function results in horrifying body pain. My adrenals are done. I can't even walk into the living room to help with a simple cable matter. I'm stuck in my room. 5 hours a day until it settles. Then I can leave. I might go somewhere but, I can't even have a conversation with anyone. Its horrible.

 

[heidi]

Are you newish to PTSD? Sometimes it takes a while to find the right combination of things that work.

 

[cdg]

Yes I am new to it. Its like I can't control my mind at times. I'm not a danger to others or anything like that. But its hard.

 

[heidi]

I recognize that from when I was first here. I felt like I kept getting sucked into it as far as I could go. There was incredible intensity. I also recognize your wish to try to process the trauma. I found that I couldn't ever process the trauma. I use a lot of distraction techniques.

In my experience processing can only come when there is distance. If you have a favorite series/video game/audio book don't give up keep watching, playing, listening to try to move your mind away.