Relationship Working On Those Boundaries

[Abstract]

I think its wonderful that you are setting boundaries, looking after your own needs and seeing changes. I agree with Meadowsweet that seeing non passive aggressive isolation as emotional abuse is very unhelpful and incorrect but have rather answered on Loveneverfails thread on the PTSD forum as I don't want to interfere with your thread. A lot of isolation behaviour is not passive aggressive and only you will know if that does apply or not.

I hope your relationship continues to progress and you get to feel safer and safer. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think this thread demonstrates why this boundary needs to be set in relationships where one partner has PTSD. Sufferers and supporters are never going to 100% agree on situations like this, and you can see that by the differing responses from each side.

A supporter that chooses to be in a relationship touched by PTSD has to learn to give a sufferer space when they absolutely need it, they have a responsibility to learn about the nature of PTSD along with its symptoms, and to be understanding and sympathetic to their sufferer. It's a learning process. They are not going to know what to do right away, therefore their sufferer needs to help educate them and communicate with them. They need to be told if they are stressing their partners, or if they generally are not behaving in a way that is not loving and helpful.

However, if a sufferer really wants to be part of a relationship, they have a responsibility to learn to function in that relationship. When a sufferer makes a partner worry themselves sick because they do not communicate with them, their supporter is going to feel emotionally abused. Feelings are not logical, and hurting people is still hurting people, even with PTSD. It's like learning to deal with lashing out. Being hateful and verbally abusive to somebody is still not OK, even if it is a symptom of PTSD. Even if a sufferer has a very valid excuse, abusive behavior is still going to be felt like abusive behavior by their supporter. That's why their supporter has to set firm boundaries as to the behaviors they will tolerate.

I do understand what Meadowsweet and Abstract are saying though. The isolating behavior is something that sufferers go through that is difficult for them, and they are not meaning to hurt their supporters. They may even think that they doing what is best for their partner by staying away from them.

From a supporters point of view, hurt is hurt, even if there is an excuse. That is why we have to set these boundaries. That is our way of communicating to our partners that although we are supportive and understanding, for our own well being, and for the health of the relationship, we cannot tolerate this behavior. It's all about clear communication.

 

[Abstract]

Sweetpea, I in no way meant to invalidate your pain or the pain of being on the receiving end of it. That is certainly not what I meant. Personally I can't understand anyone hanging around. I still believe that a lot of PTSD isolating is not emotional abuse but that changes none of how it feels to be on the other side of it nor does it mean anyone has to accept it. Hurt is always hurt I agree.

I am also sorry if you felt you had to take care of others feelings on your own thread. That is not what it is here for.

I also obviously do not know your situation in detail. I wish you well.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It is alright Abstract. PTSD is not black and white, and this forum is for the exchange of ideas and advice. It is a place to turn to for support, as well as a place to learn. I think that the 'isolation as abuse' issue is an interesting debate, especially since I have just been over reading the "PTSD is No Excuse" thread.

I think the main point that is being missed here is the definition of isolation. Needing to isolate is not the thing that supporters can feel is quote/unquote "abusive". It's the taking off for a long period of time with no word that is emotionally damaging for a supporter. It is choosing not to communicate, and by doing that causing another pain. A simple text saying "I am ok, just need to be alone for awhile" solves the whole problem. Most supporters can accept and understand a sufferers need for isolation at times.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Hurt is hurt, and you should absolutely let your partner know that their actions hurt you. and you are doing really well in talking and learning, and finding the boundaries between you. that's not been questioned or disagreed with at all.

To say that you are hurting, and that it's a hurt that you are not prepared to go through, and that you need change is assertive and positive. It's also straightforward enough for someone with a PTSD affected mind to take on board.

To say that you are being abused is a very different accusation. It has very different connotations. To say that somebody is abusing you is a serious accusation, and it puts all of the responsibility for your feelings, as well as for theirs, onto them.

An equal compromise is about you learning more, so that you learn not to take it personally, and to let go of the expectations you might have of a normal relationship with a person in perfect health and meet the challenges of PTSD...and for him to send that text is to meet his challenges also. In that way it's equal.

To be honest Sweetpea, from what you have shared here, you are already doing those things, and it's just the wording that was a bit off, and it sounds like that was down someone else telling you you've been abused.

But I'm really glad of what you've shared.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That is the process of setting a boundary. I agree to give him space, but I will not tolerate a disappearing act.

To say that you are being abused is a very different accusation. It has very different connotations. To say that somebody is abusing you is a serious accusation, and it puts all of the responsibility for your feelings, as well as for theirs, onto them.

Very true Medowsweet, but the cause of the supporters feelings in the situation above are caused by the actions of the sufferer, even if it is a symptom. At some point in time, a sufferer does have to be held responsible for their actions. When they are in that point in their lives where they are ready to try relationships and be emotionally involved with people again, they have to learn to treat people right, even if their PTSD makes them want to lash out, or take off and abandon their partner for whatever reason.

By disappearing on a supporter with no word for a long period of time, a sufferer is causing them stress, anxiety, and a feeling of helplessness. Later the sufferer feels hurt, anger and resentment, especially if they themselves are bending over backwards to learn and cope with their partners PTSD. This is followed by a feeling of worthlessness, feeling unloved, and a sense of betrayal because their beloved can't even justify a 2 second text to ease their pain. Then the supporter must also deal with grieving for a relationship that they may or may not still have. This is repeated on a constant cycle until the sufferer decides to show up again.

True, a supporter has the responsibility to learn and understand their sufferers symptoms, stressors, and triggers. That is essential in a PTSD relationship. We also have the right to identify behavior as abusive when we are being subjected to it, and to hold our partners responsible for their behavior towards us.

 

[Meadowsweet]

sweetpea, I offered what I could. It's not something that is mine to deal with right now. I have PTSD, I don't abuse anyone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Meadowsweet, that is fine, and I respect that... but this is a supporters thread, offering a supporters point a view. You are choosing to participate here, nobody sought a sufferers opinion, or specifically yours. If you do not want to hear what supporters think, then maybe this is not the thread for you. I'm sure there are sufferer threads that agree more with your point of view. This however is all about the supporters.