Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

I had a strange memory, perhaps it apllies to asking for help, or asking for anything at all? Years ago, I remember being out of food- can't recall if that was it or couldn't go home or what- not long, an isolated incident, really, relatively speaking, had not eaten for just a few days, and overheard someone say they had on occassion had someone show up at their door and ask for food, and wish if people needed it they would, because they always had some to spare. The really strange part (for me) was to overhear the 'wish they would' part (vs 'wish they wouldn't', or 'can you imagine..').

I guess, too, asking always comes with the self-imposed feeling that it's likely going to maybe be an awful response.

 

[Tinyflame]

In actuality I now realize my ptsd probably doesn't affect others as much as I would fear (thankfully), even who I live with, which is obviously the greatest risk or likelihood. If anything I hide it, or the relationships are not that personal, or new ones are focused on other things, other things are expected of me. Maybe why I come back to it or feel I should is that 'eliminating the exposure to it' is in reality at some level more for my sake than others.

In that, the relationships are either not close, and I hide it anyway, therefore it's irrelevant, or 'family' makes choices that leave me with heavy (emotional especially) burdens.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe why I come back to it or feel I should is that 'eliminating the exposure to it' is in reality at some level more for my sake than others.

Such big progress for you! :)

it's irrelevant, or 'family' makes choices that leave me with heavy (emotional especially) burdens.

Exactly.

I can't even imagine you doing the whole "I am unable to answer a text for two weeks" behaviour.

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't even imagine you doing the whole "I am unable to answer a text for two weeks" behaviour.

Oh Abstract, I'm not sure if you mean the "let me know you're alive" type of text, but otherwise I'm usually even worse- might take me 2 months to open a mail, let alone answer. I'm also terrible for backing out or avoiding guys' calls etc post dates. Or just (other than work) like someone said here you can get ready then just 'skip it'. And I actually just changed my cell phone number, I haven't given it to anyone.

In terms of burdensomeness I would qualify it more as the 'moods', or depression, or stress interfering, or having a difficulty meeting some requirement. Not rage or self-medicating.

A woman I know, her son is Hospitalized for depression, she is worried/ overwhelmed. That just reminded me that 2 things must exist for that to happen, knowledge and actually caring about it/ the person. I don't have that in my life, therefore it's not the same burden (not saying he is in that case, but you know what I mean if that makes sense). And therefore if I feel compelled or that it's best for avoidance knowing that, maybe it's just for myself. I have a tendency to drop off the map and let others do so. But maybe that's for the best. Even if at some level I don't want to, I still end up feeling it's best to choose to, or that is what I choose.

Thanks Abstract. Hope you are hanging in there, xox. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow what an eye-opener. It occurred to me, that my ptsd will be managed or not, well or poorly, sometimes. That is my fault, fact of life, responsibilty. I have always felt so badly the trouble it causes, limitations, presumed it was (always) my fault. To let people be people in their own way, to assume my expectations were too high or feeling badly or not trusting was my fault, or they had their own 'stuff'. BUT, and this is what I realize, that if those around me, family, 'friends', if I acted or reacted or didn't-act, as they have, if the roles were reversed, they would be angry, disgusted, consider me cold and untrustworthy, anything else negative, etc, I know that. Without (them) having ptsd. I have managed to be surrounded by or give the benefit of the doubt to people who care that little, statistically less than I think even strangers picked randomly out of a crowd would.

Like I was thinking, the one time I asked for help re: SI, my sister told me "good, go kill yourself and do the world a favour, you waste of space". My 'friend' never had the courtesy- and I do mean (common)' courtesy', not 'caring' - to even respond. In other words, better I were dead than they were to be bothered. I still thought their responses were my 'fault'.

I heard it said yesterday that asking for help is good, that it shows strength(?). Well, I feel like fleeing, except this time for my sake, not theirs. I have more respect for dogs, if they don't like you they bite you. Though I am not angry at them, only at myself for being that stupid. Never again.

 

[Abstract]

the one time I asked for help re: SI, my sister told me "good, go kill yourself and do the world a favour, you waste of space".

This is a truly disgusting thing for anyone to say to someone in distress Junebug. Even an enemy let alone a sister.

I think we often end up surrounded by unkind and abusive people if we excuse bad behaviour or don't have good assertiveness skills or ability to put down boundaries. Giving too much benefit of the doubt can get us into terrible situations and it has done so for me.

There are always very good reason for us not having such good boundaries. The only responsibility lies in learning these once we realise it. We are never responsible for others bad or abusive behaviour.

I hope you more and more manage to protect yourself from harmful people like your sister Junebug.

Thinking of how they would react if the foot was on the other shoe is a sure way to show the true setup. :tup:

 

[Meadowsweet]

Hi junebug, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I left the last of my friends in 2010 under similar circumstances, I've never been close to family, but to me they were like my family and for a long long time I was heartbroken.

I've come to the conclusion now, that they didn't understand - it is an invisible condition and I don't always make sense. But also, that they never cared enough to want to bother understanding.

That group of friends were not good for me, but they also triggered the PTSD symptoms. So, for me, looking back, getting away from those friendships helped to stabilize my mind. At that time (with undiagnosed and un-managed PTSD) I'm sure I would have ended up in hospital or dead if I had carried on. I've not felt as bad as I did then for a long time. So sometimes it's not a fleeing, it is getting out for your own well being.

But, three years later, I continue to avoid getting close to people. I have no friends or family to help practically or to talk to, and that makes things difficult. My fear of friendships is also a problem.

Do the right thing for you, but go easy on yourself. You sound like a lovely person, and if you believe in yourself, you will find new friends who are genuine. All the best.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. Even an enemy let alone a sister.

I think we often end up surrounded by unkind and abusive people if we excuse bad behaviour or don't have good assertiveness skills or ability to put down boundaries. Giving too much benefit of the doubt can get us into terrible situations and it has done so for me.

Thinking of how they would react if the foot was on the other shoe is a sure way to show the true setup. :tup:

Thanks for you kindness Abstract. Ya sure makes one feel like they wish they weren't here.

Yes I guess it boils down to 'do unto others.. " Ashes in the mouth, as it were.

((((((Sweet Abstract))))), thank you, xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

So sometimes it's not a fleeing, it is getting out for your own well being.

Do the right thing for you, but go easy on yourself.

Thank you also meadowsweet, such kind words. I have no family either, the sister here and 2 sisters 1200 miles away that were very abusive growing up, have barely seen them in 20 and 30 years.

After this realization I will be trusting no one, and asking for even less, as in nothing.

To top it off, the icing on the cake, foster pup we got because my sister agreed about 3 weeks ago (I did not as knew it would be heartbreaking ), got adopted today. Granted it was the last thing I asked for (I mean I did ask for it) and last I'll ever ask for. Just to add insult to injury, father was buying it for his 20-some year old daughter for 'her protection' (she lives at home). My sister doesn't think I need that here, lol, though I asked. Something ironic about that. Perfect ending for a shitty day, lol. :cry: Pitiful to say but that's all that has felt like having a 'family' in a long time, the dog. At this particular moment I really don't feel like looking on the bright side, I'm very tired of trying to stay alive for a bunch of frankly as*holes, as it were. I really really really really wish I simply didn't exist.

At least I'll be alone tonight. Can cry without being told I'm an as*hole to. And, according to her, makes 'me' selfish. Then she leaves for holidays hopefully shortly, they start tomorrow. They should pick up dog on wednesday or thursday so then she and her bf can take the other dog here (hers) and go on holidays.

I'm glad you got away from people that were harming you meadowsweet. You also sound and always have sounded like a very kind and genuine person, obviously you are or you wouldn't have responded to this. Thank you for saying what you did about 'not fleeing', that really means a lot to me.

Thank you for your kind words. I also thought every time I have been desperate or sorrowful, small or large, I have had no one, frequently if anything any one there has made it even worse. Except for people on this forum. ((((((Meadowsweet))))))).

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Junebug))) please don't trust no-one, otherwise you might end up like me. There are decent people out there, and too long alone adds to the problem, because we forget hoe to socialise.

ps, I didn't want to give you the wrong impression - I do have family who I see,but we don't talk about anything emotional, or abuse etc. My mum found out about an instance of domestic violence on me, and walked out my flat, and never spoke to me about it again. So it's like that, we speak about non-emotional, safe subjects, and it keeps the peace.

 

[Tinyflame]

please don't trust no-one, otherwise you might end up like me.

My mum found out about an instance of domestic violence on me, and walked out my flat, and never spoke to me about it again. So it's like that.. and it keeps the peace.

Dear meadowsweet, yes it keeps the peace, but at who's expense, yours? As though it were somehow easier for you to go through it than for someone to hear about it. :( :cry: Hugs to you. I totally understand, my sister says "Shut the F*** up", or I send e-mails and ask for help that gets no response. Same difference, invalidation and reinforces keeping quiet. The message others give and therefore want is to wash their hands of it, just like your mum. I keep quiet here at 'home', too, and at work. It keeps the peace as you said. Ironically I'm called hard-hearted because I don't cry etc or rant (in public). To what avail? No small wonder self-harm and SI exist.

Oh meadowsweet, I'm glad you still have family. I am 44 and that issue is over for me, and I won't be finding out the hard way how 'decent' anyone may or may not be. If I 'trust' anyone in the future it will be a stranger in the moment. Personally going by your qualities I would prefer to 'end up like you'. :tup: :hug:

I can still socialize- you know what socializing is, simply giving them what they want or expect. Like Owen Wilson being a comedian for a living and then SI (himself). Or Jerry Lewis, Steve Martin, Jonathon Winters, Jim Carrey, Gilda Radner, all major depressives. It's exhausting. It's molding yourself in to what others want, making others feel at ease, conversation that half the time is mindless. It's frequently of little depth.

What I'm saying is, you're not missing anything. :hug: I used to think people were 'good' and (but) did bad things, now I think people aren't that great and they sometimes do good things, primarly because it's 'required'. Perhaps that is too harsh but I've learned my lesson. I don't need to be assauged, or hear the verbal junk. They can keep it. The words are abusive, or the actions don't match. What's the difference. :( Seems to me the message is the same, and loud and clear.

(((((((((Meadowsweet)))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

It reminds me of something my mom said while alive, we had adopted a pup 26 years ago (her and I- ironoically of the same name which my sister knew when she named this one), and he turned out to be ill, I had to return him after a week (to be put down), it just about killed me, he gripped so hard on my sweater the person there couldn't get him to let go. :( We did not have the money to save him though, kills me when people say "money changes nothing". Anyway, after that experience, I knew how badly (I) could get attached in just one week, which is why I didn't agree. Anyway, my mom said years later "If I knew how much it had meant to you (we) would have found a way". I remember feeling badly and selfish that that had ever occurred to her, was certainly not her fault. But she was the opposite. If someone loves a person, or even cares, they care what effects them, what it 'means to them', as my mom said, what their feelings are. Let alone rub it in the other way. I don't have 'feelings' because I have ptsd, I have ptsd because feelings weren't allowed. They still aren't. Because someone 'keeps quiet', doesn't mean they can't tell the difference between genuine or caring and disingenuous or abusive.