.. your sister has not communicated to you either. Coming from the same family both you and your sister would have learned from the same rules.
Thank you Dear Whitney. To complicate matters, I don't know if she has ptsd, by her behaviours I mean, a person on this forum once told me it wouldn't be so unusual being we went through a lot of the same things together/ grew up the same. Exactly true, what you said about learning the same rules. And being the most similar (internally/ emotionally/same kind of hearts) as sisters, we were very close until 2006.
What I mean by communication, is when we were both on the same page as to wanting to adopt, I thought the obstacle was financial, she thought it was commitment. Turned out it was neither. However, what was not an issue of communicaton, was that she swore she would not become attached/ it would be easy to give him up. I knew from my own experience, and knowing her, that it would not be, and said so. In fact, I said "please do not tell me you are so out of touch with yourself, or your own feelings, or recognizing how you 'are', that you really believe that (that she wouldn't)?" But she swore so. Almost like denial. :( She has apologized repeatedly since then, but there is no need, that is not her 'fault'. What else could I say, I accepted (at the start) that it would just cause me sorrow (when he went) because she was sayng she didn't want to adopt, only foster. But again, like denial, she had things written on the calender (in the future) as though we would still have him(?) :(
One thing I do recognize- just like that example (study) in "Psych 101"- when someone 'demands' you do something, you are exhausted, they take responsibilty, etc, you 'go along' (and I'm meaning the dog organization woman, not my sister). Even my sister's bf said they are 'full of sh*t', to be honest that's a relief as they are. It's an appeal to emotion they use, more so than anything else. Men (in general), or just less-sensitive/ less soft-hearted/ more 'rational' people recognize that earlier. As to the people, God Bless them, I don't think they have a clue what they're getting in to, because of breed tendencies and training if you want non-destructve dog, but that's not my business.
I have learned or thought of, a tremendous amount of things during this. Perhaps she can say the terrible things she does (more so in the past) because she, like above, really believes it would mean nothing to her (emotinally) if I were dead. Similarly, far as SI goes, or even self-harm, both I feel/felt like because of pain. Is managing the pain (or not being able, I should say) my fault?
Not to mention this job is emotionally draining. And they've added more palliative work yet.
And I've always been sensitive (her as well). I realize also people do not 'feel' the same; for example, when someone's pet/ dog/ cat dies, for some people it's grotesque- no different than losing a family member, really. :( But it's the same reason people who feel like that run in to their house on fire to save it. I remember my dad being horrified he thought he even accidntally killed a bird. :( Yet, though I feel that way about my own pets, I do not 'feel' the same about other's when their's die (though I feel badly). :( So I realize asking for 'help' about this is not a big deal or any deal to most people you would ask. But my friend didn't care, and the trouble being it's the person I told about the ptsd, and that makes me so wish I had never said anything at all. And worse yet, promised 'no SI' to, too, which makes me feel like I never should have, and so my 'promise' should be moot. Perhaps that's the (my) mind's way of 'justifying' S(I), or maybe just recognizing I never had to make that promise, if they never cared less or wished I'd 'disappear', knowing all these problems I 'blabbed'about.
And a guy named Ron Rolheiser wrote (I read) a good article on SI July 28th (saw it the othe day). He writes about that stuff. He's right, in my estimtion, what he said. That others are ashamed of it, too.
And just like saying too much there, I've felt like I've said way too much here (the forum). I feel fear, paranoid, regret, shame.
And thinking of how the dog place operated, reminded me of a 'bad date' wherein I ended up here (on the forum). I remember asking myself "how did I end up here?" (the circumstances), then recognized what he 'did' (it had been ater 7 months of saying 'no' to going out with him, no food (on date), was exhausted, his idea we walk all over, etc, I really couldn't avoid him (daily) ). He blamed me later, that it was because "I smiled at him". And I remember afterwards, like now, thinking maybe I'd have no problems (in 'general') if I just 'went along with it", stop fighting anything any more.
And I thought the only way to carry on or not feel sad is to not think about it (the dog), which I do but not subconsciously), even if reminders feel like a punch in the guts and sorrow. And I remember how terrified I was at 14, when it was becoming obvious these things happening to me (flashbacks etc). And I tried to never think of any of it then, too, including the flashbacks etc. But really, what's the option? Especially if no one wants to hear.
So mostly it's opened up a whole bag of worms, regret, sadness, questions.
Thank you Whitney, with all my heart. (((((((((((Whitney))))))
