Why Am I Afraid Of My Therapist?

[Marguerite]

This afternoon I have an appointment for EMDR therapy. I have seen this therapist sixteen times since last November, I have had four or five sessions of EMDR, I have flooded only once, and generally feel a little better after the sessions. She is a nice lady. Why am I filled with anxiety and dread? It seems to put my life on hold, so that my life is what happens between sessions. My thoughts and feelings are buried so deep, that I am unable to share this or other emotions I have eith her. I hate counselling/therapy.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,
The therapy relationships is a strange and intensely powerful one. I have recently thought about this and I guess there is very good reasons for the intense fear that some of us feel.

In my whole life, since childhood, I have never had a relationship with anyone, let alone a parent, where I could speak about my inner thoughts and feelings. I have always been like a clam :speechless:in that regard and despite all the years of being suicidal and mental health issues. In many ways the T is a bit like a surrogate parent. They are in a position of authority, they advise us, they care, they are there to help us. Trusting in that (impossible for me it seems) and being in that situation is pretty overwhelming.

My thoughts and feelings are buried so deep, that I am unable to share this or other emotions I have eith her

I relate very much. I practice online and am improving hugely on here and other places before here. I hope to be able to transfer that over to therapy. For me I think the biggest source of fear is a pathological lack of trust. And maybe also a fear that I will trust.

Good for you for going to therapy regardless.

 

[Hashi]

My suggestion might sound like the opposite of what you might be thinking, but I'd strongly suggest that you tell your therapist what you said in your post.

I think it's very natural to feel the things you say. If you tell your therapist about this, that gives a chance to work on it together. I think your therapist would be only too pleased to hear how you're finding things, because you might be able to decide things together about how you can work in a way that will help you, and any good therapist wants that as much as you do. If we don't tell our therapists these things, they don't know, but any good therapist wants to be there for you in the best way possible.

I've talked to my therapist about things as small as needing her to ask me "How are you?" when we start the session instead of waiting for me to begin. I've also talked about things as big as thinking she's going to think I'm horrible and disgusting - that led to her giving me a lot of reassurance and realising that she needs to keep giving me that reassurance and not assuming that I understand she doesn't judge me, but actually telling me that.

Therapists are tough, they won't crumble if we say we dread seeing them or that we hate therapy. They know that probably many of their clients do! If we can say it and talk about it, then together we can find a way through it, instead of suffering in silence or trying to fix it on our own.

 

[Marguerite]

Hashi, I know you are right, and I wish I could do this, but I can't. Many times in sessions, I sit there thinking, "Please ask me ...." I don't expect her to read my mind, but I cannot ask for help, or open up - this is related to my trauma. Ironically, I share way more with my Occupational Therapist, who ignores much if what I say, or doesn't respond.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi is totally right of course.

I wish I could do this, but I can't.

This is the story of my life. I truly understand this. Even asking anything online was impossible for me not that long ago. Just saying how I feel in general used to be impossible (eg sad). I feel like something terrible will happen. I realised that this and the consequences is one of the core things that stands in my way and recovery.

I really suggest to keep challenging yourself. I can barely recognise myself in this regard from how I was 3 years ago. I have practised relentlessly. It's very painful.

This thread is a great start. You are taking steps forward. Is there anything you could see yourself telling your T? Could you copy this and email it to her?

 

[Hashi]

Can you write or print it on a piece of paper and hand that to her? Could you print out this thread and just hand it over?

I know how hard it is to do this. I was very, very lucky that my first good therapist encouraged me to talk with her about how I felt about therapy and the therapy relationship. Without that encouragement to get you used to the idea, I can well imagine how much harder it is.

Maybe you could hand her the paper and say, I feel [whatever you feel] about doing this but I joined an online forum and this forum member called Hashi said I should give you this....?

I'm really rooting for you Marguerite. This is all so difficult. I know how hard everything about therapy can be. I hope you can find a way, and am sending you lots of support.

 

[samson]

I completely understand how you feel. Especially with emdr. It can be so painful. Many times I am so nervous while waiting in the waiting room (which is the worst) I have broken out in hives by the time I see him. He's the nicest guy ever. I'm just dreading all of the emotional crap we are about to wade through. I would much rather be meeting him for coffee. Plus he attends my church (a very large church, but we do see each other) so we have a bit of a dual relationship role which we discussed at great length before we started this. I have also knows his wife longer than I've known him. I did draw the line when I ran into him at the chiropractor.

I think it's totally normal to be nervous and scared at therapy. The courage it takes to battle through that and show up week after week is what you should be proud of! :) I would echo what the others have said - tell her. Chances are she will welcome the opportunity to change the way she communicates with you. My T has been great at change. I may have to remind him more than once - but he always adjusts to my wishes.

 

[Meadowsweet]

My therapist asks me how I feel and whether I am still nervous of her, and when I look at what I'm really feeling, I'm not nervous of my therapist, I'm scared of what the therapy will bring to the surface. This might not be it for you, but it might be.

 

[Abstract]

Oh I am terrified of the therapist. Not the person themselves but probably what they symbolise, if that makes sense.

 

[Stardust Traveller]

Marguerite, did you tell your therapist in any ways? Like writing an email or so? I agree this is crucial. I think we cant hide it anyway. I am "lucky" cause if I try to hide something in therapy, it would cause my heart explode. Seriously its jumping like hell. Im not hiding anything intentionally, its all subconscious. We do an inner child program and in a regression relaxation excercise I had this. She said it was completely normal to do regression and to go back to our childhood cause we do it every day unconsciously anyway, all that happens is that we do it now in a controlled situation. At that moment I realised that actually I was already in regression when I stepped in the room and somehow this made me very very nervous so I could not continue the relaxation at all. I almost started crying, which is a HUGE step for me to cry in front of my therapist cause Iam always in control. So all I wanna say is that I totally understand and support you and for sure you have to let her know you are nervous or afraid. I told mine. She said it is totally normal and that I am cool that I am nervous. Since than if I am nervous I think to myself: hmmm this is cool. I am still nervous but it does help.

 

[Marguerite]

I never did, Stardust. I get stuck frequently, and I just suffer through it, rather than put myself out there. I agree with everything you and the others have said. They are good ideas for everyone else but me. My fear and shame interfere with every aspect of my life.

 

[Abstract]

Really feel for you as this is what happens to me. As much as I want to speak the fear overwhelms me.

What have you tried to help you prepare ad get past this?