Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[EvenStrongerNow]

Dear Junebug,

From reading your posts, I see a very conscientious, sincere, loving, kind, compassionate, intelligent, very self aware, honest, and an immensely strong woman.

One of my sources of trauma is a Narcissistic mother just to give you a little bit of a background....

I am 29 years old and I would want you to be my mom ANY day of EVERY year!

Gentle hugs to you. I think you're awesome!!

 

[Whitneys story]

Junebug, :hug: I just received the warm fuzzies. I love your last post a trillion!

I feel as you have never known what was done to you was anything but normal, you never experienced anything good to show you different. Your feeling of it being possible to fix, is a new level. You deserve to understand, to heal.
PTSD is the symptom of all the years of abuse and trauma. Now we work on understanding and ways of learning what you have survived was not normal for most people. You honestly have, nothing good from the past to have acquired a reason to think there was something to heal.

:tup: :hug: ((((((((((Junebug)))))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear StrongerNow, thank you for those kind words. I really am not sure 'strong' would apply, unless there is strength in weakness. I must say feeling 'not strong', or too weak, seems to have gotten me into this mess, lol. But thank you. If I am stronger it's because I am propped up by such good people. :)

I am 29 years old and I would want you to be my mom ANY day of EVERY year!

Gentle hugs to you. I think you're awesome!!

Same back to you! Hee, how about we settle for online friends. :) You sound pretty amazing yourself! :hug: Xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

Your feeling of it being possible to fix, is a new level. You deserve to understand, to heal.
PTSD is the symptom of all the years of abuse and trauma. Now we work on understanding and ways of learning what you have survived was not normal for most people. You honestly have, nothing good from the past to have acquired a reason to think there was something to heal.

Dearest Whitney, I guess that is true. I almost find it hard to wrap my mind around it, or exactly what it means? Because I also had good things. I guess I always figured if I was 'alive' (literally), after anything, it wasn't a 'trauma'. I thought I felt what I did because I was not strong enough.

So this is progress, you think? :) You are so sweet. You know, at one point tonight while I was working, stopped for a minute, wondered 'what' I was feeling at the moment (to figure it out), and I came to the (astonishing) conclusion it was 'happy'. For no reason specifically, and not the 'relief' that approximates happines, just a peaceful happiness, really. Wow. :)

(((((((Dear dear Whitney))))), thank you, xoxox. :inlove: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

And, what is incredible to me, is that any of this 'healing' is, or could be possible for me, or deserved, or just be so. :) Pinch me. :p

Oh yes, and another big step, was today there was a bad storm, and for the first time ever I didn't feel an angina-plus-knife-in-the-stomach-feeling and worry despite what I tell myself, which though unrelated to all this has been about 20 years! :tup: :)

(((((((((Dear and gentle Whitney)))))), :inlove: :hug: 's! :)

 

[Whitneys story]

Oh Junebug I am so happy! Oodles of hugs back at you. Baby steps are wonderful, and I feel necessary for your progress.

When we don't understand where we have been it adds confusion. I believe in HOPE as a great beginning.

:D we will slowly build a foundation of good memories that you have. Even if they are tiny! They are very important for the journey.

No one knows what memories will arrive, some may be happy and some not. By writing them down, we can process them out of the subconscious. Then we work on each one to be healed/processed and move forward with new insight!

:tup: it takes however long it takes and you are worth every minute. :) :hug: Whitney

 

[Whitneys story]

Gentle pinching, :happy:, Whitney

 

[Mercy]

I think a big part of me shuts down when I am at my worst (not intentional).

Yes, I do that too. It's not visible. Usually, the change is to a part of me that can handle what ever the situation is calmly and efficeintly.

I guess I don't feel I have a right to heal, or 'deserve' it, or expect it. Or there should be
anything to heal.

Oh, sweet one, You deserve all the good there is in this world and the good tender loving of God. By virture of being alive, each morning you wake up, you have been chosen to live another day. A Rabbi told me this even though I am Christian. I have heard, that for you, thinking about God makes you feel even more abandoned. I used to feel that way too. It was so painful to 'survive' knowing what I knew. I just didn't want to go through it any more. Little by little as I tried to decontaminate my triggers, The burden became easier to carry. With help and kindness from the folks(including You) at the forum, I have heard a lot of help and encouragement. Things like "You deserve to live. They were wrong. It's not your fault. You are a live now all grown up," You have a huge ability for compassion for others. We know how beautiful it is. Please take a baby step and allow yourself to have compassion on yourself.

I was feeling at the moment (to figure it out), and I came to the (astonishing) conclusion it was 'happy'.

Hip Hip Hoorah, Three cheers, Hazah, Shabash, Brava, Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Yahhhhhhhhhh XOXOXOXOXOX JunebugXOXOOXOXOX))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh hee Whitney- thanks for the 'pinch' lol. :p

To be honest, the baby steps feel like large steps for me! Hee. Guess I won't break any records, but the important part I imagine is that the steps are in the right direction.

Hey Whitney, I think I touched on that 'all-memories' (good and bad) thing, did a 30 week (I think it was) 'Ignatius Spiritual Exercises' thing (just online), each week had a question like that, sort of went through your life. Did surprise me, at times. I kind of did it tentatively though because I seem to recall they said you were supposed to have someone to talk to if the memories/ feelings etc really went south, and frankly I didn't take it for granted that it would be all-bearable.

Yay for your kindness and sweet self! :inlove: :hug: Xoxoxox :) .

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Mercy, by all means do you deserve to have only goodness and kindness, from God and others, especially surviving what you have. I can't quote, but that is so true, the painfulness of surviving. You are a Miracle and a Witness :) . :hug: . And such a remarkable person, inside and out. :inlove: It amazes me, the people on this forum, i am so honored to have met them. :) :notworthy:

Mercy, can I ask, what, or how, is it for you when you shut down? Just disregard if it's too painful to think of (xoxoxoxox :hug: ).

I feel a lot better about 'God', in the way of (since june) not thinking of myself as a 'murderer' by virtue of not doing or preventing or speaking up, re: my dad's death. I still have to admit I can't grasp God 'caring less' or hearing or caring, about myself, though I still ask for a lot. Then I try to think that insults His great love (His capacity), but it's hard to imagine/ believe. I guess I think or suspect God thinks He goofed making me too. Or no, regrets it. However, I do feel better trying to think of God in a kinder approach.

Oh ya, one thing that came to me yesterday was, I realize I have a great fear of people, God the same. So, I try to REMEMBER, "it's ('just') (x)" (if it's someone I can/ should trust, there is a good past even if I can't remember the details/ feel fear). So I thought that yesterday with God too, as in "it's 'just' God" (not in a disrespectful way, I mean as in 'who I know who I have depended on, who I have turned to, who is good, who I should trust', etc).

Sweetest Mercy, thank you so much for your kind words, have to head to work but I so appreciate them, from you and everyone. Left to 'think' about it (I won't), I feel much doubt as to 'deserving' all these things, or being worth it. Except to be so grateful for you and everyone's help/ kindness. Without a doubt others seem to think I have a (any) value far beyond what I can grasp yet, and have tried harder for me than I could try or would think of trying for myself.

(((((((((Always Sweetest Mercy :) :inlove: ))))))
XOXOXOXOXOXOX! :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Gee, I was thinking, if one chooses or feels inclined to believe in God, you would think it would be as in 'love'; that is, I too believe God is love, but I must say I guess I think God hates me. Therefore it is hard (or 'weird') for me, to love God but feel that. I guess it's a trust thing?

Also, it occurred to me that if the only thing that qualifies as a 'trauma' (for myself) is what you don't survive, it wouldn't be a trauma or 'traumatic', simply because (I) wouldn't be alive, it wouldn't 'be' anything! Yikes. At least even I can see that doesn't make sense. :eek: :rolleyes:

Whitney, despite this 'stuff' above (just 'ramblings'), I remember what you said about the 10 minutes, etc, and Mercy, about starting small.

Xoxox, :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

And, just quickly, because there were lots of instances of life-or-death, if it wasn't life or death, it wasn't a 'trauma'.

I do understand since june, it's no small wonder, after considering myself as a 'murderer', basically, and of someone I loved on top of it, from (for) me- a person who was gentle, well it's no wonder the ptsd stuff showed up after that I guess. And that's not even taking in to consideration it was unexpected and what it was (horrendous without those thoughts). Plus my dad and I were super close.

What I didn't realize until now was that coming to that conclusion then was influenced by the fact that I believed as I did as a consequence of my childhood circumstances/ experiences. As you said Whitney, nothing occurred to me as 'not normal'. I truly felt the expectation that it was up to me (being there, too) to have done/ said something, because I knew better and at all ages that I can all (from about 5 years old up) I thought I had 'solve' whatever was occurring, for myself and or others, too, contribute to the solution, not cause grief or be (have) 'needy' / (needs). Yikes, can't find the word.