Last year, when I did the art therapy course, I made a friend who I related to and who supported me through the process of cutting all ties with my parents and brothers, while I healed and learned new skills of communicating. I've helped her a lot as she didn't have anyone who understood what she was going through, and it was good for me as well, as I am a fair bit older than her and also did not have anyone to understand me when I was going through my stuff at her age.
So, it's a year later, and we've kept in touch, but I've started to notice that she treats me at times in a way that makes me feel that she does not think I do things the 'right' way, because it is not the way she would handle a situation...and I'm kinda over it. I could give example of this, but the thread is long enough I think, and it's not the crux of the issue for me, so I won't just now.
I asked her the other day, upon having shared the news about my cats demise...if she would mind coming with me to pick her body up, and she was honored that I asked her, and agreed. Long story short I thought I heard her correctly at the time, and thought she would come over the next day and we'd do this thing. I did not find out until the next day that she thought it was the next day that we were doing it, so there might have been a miscommunication at some point, that neither of us realised until the next day.
I thought I'd gotten the day right, and she eventually conceded that she did agree to that day and just forgot. I asked if she was still ok with taking me, and she said ok. Then, later in the car, after she took the wrong turn off the freeway, and got us both lost, decided to express to me that she felt like I had pressured her into doing it that night, when she had other plans and wanted to go camping instead, with me, and then hold a market stall the next day.
I said I'd love to camp with her, but I thought it meant AFTER we had collected april, and it was hard to convey to her how I felt...that even though I did not want to get her body...at all, or deal with reality, I also had this desperate need to bring her physical body home...and I felt immediately better when she was home, even if it was under those circumstances.
So, she told me that she felt pressured in the car...something I could not really do much about, and I was busy with my own state of weed induced coma with my baby frozen in my lap, wrapped in a towel. It was a little hard to know how to take what she said, other than to listen and say that I didn't mean or want for her to feel pressured...but it made me feel like shit to hear her tell me that...and that's what I am needing some help working out here...
When we got home, after midnight, with what should have only taken 2 hours max...we hadn't eaten ( I hadn't eaten all day, and neither had she) and I bought us both some take-away McDonalds, though I would have prefered something better...that's all there was at that time of night.
So, I had just gotten in the door. The cats frozen body was outside the door, and we sat down to eat our burgers. Then she decided to bring up the fact that she felt pressured into driving me out there!! I was so stoned, and so upset and so HUNGRY, that I was having real trouble hearing her, and putting my own stuff aside. I also wasn't sure whether it was the appropriate time for her to bring it up? What do you think?
I did my best to say that I acknowledge that she was feeling that way and that was not my intent. I said that I also felt pressured into getting her body when I really didn't want to go there and didn't feel ready to deal with it yet...but there were financial reasons, and the vet had agreed to only charge me $65 for the whole time instead of $65 EACH week, as they usually would. The women who brought aprils body into the vets managed to get them to drop the price to just $65 for the whole time, which was so lovely of her. It did leave me feeling pressured to have to deal with it as soon as I got home though, and I wish that had not been the case, because it didn't help me much.
So, it was just an unfortunate aspect of the whole experience, and that I passed that sense of feeling pressured onto my friend, who genuinely wanted to help me and go with me, just not that day! It was a miscommunication, and a f*ckup, which caused us both to feel bad, but ever since that night I've been feeling angry towards her for the way she lay that on me at that really really fragile time for me, and seemed to place her own feelings at a more important place than my own.
I don't understand why she could not have waited to tell me how she felt? Did she just not have the ability to empathize at that point, or was she so hungry and tired...as we both were, that her judgement was ailing? I don't know. All I know is that it made me feel angry to be put in that position where I had to appease her, while I was being loaded up with guilt during the most sensitive moment for me.
There are more aspects to the history of our friendship that I have been writing out, in the hope of coming to some clarity about how to deal with her, which I haven't mentioned here. I am still getting clear on those. One pivotal aspect that I do want to mention, because I think it is important to give more context to the relationship, is the fact that this woman refused to call me by the name I had chosen and ritualized, to help me seperate myself from my family members. Everyone else adapted and without complaint, but she told me flat out that the name didn't suit me and she prefered to call me philippa.
At the time I was still in a lot of pain and having trouble voicing my feelings to her...something she evidently has no problem doing with me as it turns out.
My other friends, who have also been very supportive during this time, and understanding, said that it was really disrespectful of her to not adapt to my wishes, and I made lots of accomodations for her, and tried to be understanding, that it was a confusing thing to adapt to...but everyone else adapted, without complaint or giving their preferences or opinions about the name itself...they could see it was something important to me, and that's what mattered.
What I seem to be finding with her though, is that she places her feelings and opinions above my own, which I don't find acceptable or fair. Anyway, I would be most grateful for any feedback, advice, or just kind words that anyone here has to offer.
So, it's a year later, and we've kept in touch, but I've started to notice that she treats me at times in a way that makes me feel that she does not think I do things the 'right' way, because it is not the way she would handle a situation...and I'm kinda over it. I could give example of this, but the thread is long enough I think, and it's not the crux of the issue for me, so I won't just now.
I asked her the other day, upon having shared the news about my cats demise...if she would mind coming with me to pick her body up, and she was honored that I asked her, and agreed. Long story short I thought I heard her correctly at the time, and thought she would come over the next day and we'd do this thing. I did not find out until the next day that she thought it was the next day that we were doing it, so there might have been a miscommunication at some point, that neither of us realised until the next day.
I thought I'd gotten the day right, and she eventually conceded that she did agree to that day and just forgot. I asked if she was still ok with taking me, and she said ok. Then, later in the car, after she took the wrong turn off the freeway, and got us both lost, decided to express to me that she felt like I had pressured her into doing it that night, when she had other plans and wanted to go camping instead, with me, and then hold a market stall the next day.
I said I'd love to camp with her, but I thought it meant AFTER we had collected april, and it was hard to convey to her how I felt...that even though I did not want to get her body...at all, or deal with reality, I also had this desperate need to bring her physical body home...and I felt immediately better when she was home, even if it was under those circumstances.
So, she told me that she felt pressured in the car...something I could not really do much about, and I was busy with my own state of weed induced coma with my baby frozen in my lap, wrapped in a towel. It was a little hard to know how to take what she said, other than to listen and say that I didn't mean or want for her to feel pressured...but it made me feel like shit to hear her tell me that...and that's what I am needing some help working out here...
When we got home, after midnight, with what should have only taken 2 hours max...we hadn't eaten ( I hadn't eaten all day, and neither had she) and I bought us both some take-away McDonalds, though I would have prefered something better...that's all there was at that time of night.
So, I had just gotten in the door. The cats frozen body was outside the door, and we sat down to eat our burgers. Then she decided to bring up the fact that she felt pressured into driving me out there!! I was so stoned, and so upset and so HUNGRY, that I was having real trouble hearing her, and putting my own stuff aside. I also wasn't sure whether it was the appropriate time for her to bring it up? What do you think?
I did my best to say that I acknowledge that she was feeling that way and that was not my intent. I said that I also felt pressured into getting her body when I really didn't want to go there and didn't feel ready to deal with it yet...but there were financial reasons, and the vet had agreed to only charge me $65 for the whole time instead of $65 EACH week, as they usually would. The women who brought aprils body into the vets managed to get them to drop the price to just $65 for the whole time, which was so lovely of her. It did leave me feeling pressured to have to deal with it as soon as I got home though, and I wish that had not been the case, because it didn't help me much.
So, it was just an unfortunate aspect of the whole experience, and that I passed that sense of feeling pressured onto my friend, who genuinely wanted to help me and go with me, just not that day! It was a miscommunication, and a f*ckup, which caused us both to feel bad, but ever since that night I've been feeling angry towards her for the way she lay that on me at that really really fragile time for me, and seemed to place her own feelings at a more important place than my own.
I don't understand why she could not have waited to tell me how she felt? Did she just not have the ability to empathize at that point, or was she so hungry and tired...as we both were, that her judgement was ailing? I don't know. All I know is that it made me feel angry to be put in that position where I had to appease her, while I was being loaded up with guilt during the most sensitive moment for me.
There are more aspects to the history of our friendship that I have been writing out, in the hope of coming to some clarity about how to deal with her, which I haven't mentioned here. I am still getting clear on those. One pivotal aspect that I do want to mention, because I think it is important to give more context to the relationship, is the fact that this woman refused to call me by the name I had chosen and ritualized, to help me seperate myself from my family members. Everyone else adapted and without complaint, but she told me flat out that the name didn't suit me and she prefered to call me philippa.
At the time I was still in a lot of pain and having trouble voicing my feelings to her...something she evidently has no problem doing with me as it turns out.
My other friends, who have also been very supportive during this time, and understanding, said that it was really disrespectful of her to not adapt to my wishes, and I made lots of accomodations for her, and tried to be understanding, that it was a confusing thing to adapt to...but everyone else adapted, without complaint or giving their preferences or opinions about the name itself...they could see it was something important to me, and that's what mattered.
What I seem to be finding with her though, is that she places her feelings and opinions above my own, which I don't find acceptable or fair. Anyway, I would be most grateful for any feedback, advice, or just kind words that anyone here has to offer.
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