Sufferer Diagnosed Ptsd But I Am Not Sure I Agree With It

[maal]

Little background on me, I was in the army, however it's not where the PTSD is originating from. I was never in a situation that would warrant it. I had a year and half with severe stress from recruiting I know how silly it sounds but I developed panic attacks from it that occurred daily. Four months after I got out of the military the panic attacks slowed and eventually stopped.

Within a year of getting out I began dating a man who turned out to be a terrible emotional abuser. It started within the first month when I first planned to end it. He pinned me down, chased me, screamed at me and accused my of having been abused by someone in my family (which isn't true) - he insisted and said he was trying to protect me from myself (he was a former police officer). When I couldn't get away I sobbed and cried in confusion about the whole thing until I fell asleep. From that moment on I tried to leave him continuously over three years, which is very humiliating to me and the pattern continued until he controlled most aspects of my life in a manipulative way. I was never sure it was actually abuse until he raised his fist and swung at my face (I ducked) but he hit a door so hard it snapped in half and fell on top of me, then shouted "look what you did." I was frozen with fear and spent the last month working up the courage to face his anger and get him out of my house. It was hard but I did it and I planned well.

It didn't stop after he left however, I never spoke to him again, but he constantly called my home leaving threatening or whining messages between 2-3am...for almost a year before it trickled to almost no calls. I never got any sleep and I was terrified anytime a car drove by, I also put things in front of all of the doors in case he tried to break in. I developed fears of thunderstorms during this time.

8 months after I got him out my sister was killed in a car accident. I was overwhelmed with grief and went to a grief counselor. She spent a lot of time talk to me about both events and clarifying to me that he was an abuser and diagnosed me with ptsd. I was horrified..took it badly stopped going and went overseas for awhile. Came back went to a new counselor was told the same thing -PTSD.

Here is where I am confused.

• I do have fight or flight thing, and I get angry and lash out at men who make any remarks that resemble abuse.
• I don't think I have triggers, I had one panic attack at work and I don't know where it came from, but my heart races a lot
• I relived the day my sister died as if it just happened..
• flipped out on a male friend for flirting with me, and out of embarrassment am avoiding most of my old friends.
• My attention span sucks now

The kicker is I go MONTHS feeling 'normal' (but no socializing because no one wants to hear my mess).

Then I drastically spiral downward for weeks avoiding as many people as I can. Then I suddenly pop out of it and can't figure out what just happened.

I know this is really long, but I'd like opinions on if this sounds like PTSD or not? And is it encompassing both events or just one?

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I hope the information and support here helps you.

 

[arfie]

In my own recovery, arguing terminology and labels is all too often an extension of my denial. As long as I can keep the argument on whether to call it a pickle or a preserved cucumber, I don't have to experience the pain of looking at the underlying issues. This doesn't mean giving up my right to question. It is only questioning my personal focus. Do I want to argue labels or pursue healing?

For sure I have experienced symptoms like you describe and they are no fun. I chose to pursue healing. What I call the collective of those symptoms is arbitrary. "Just Plain Crazy" works for me. JPC?

Welcome to the forum, Maal. May you find answers here.

 

[rainydaze]

The first thing I would say to you is that clinicians use diagnoses not to label you but rather to convey amongst professionals regarding what sort of codified symptoms and groups of symptoms best represent your condition. This way they can communicate across professions--a therapist can speak to your insurance company for billing information, or pass this information to your general physician. So if the label does you no help or harms you, there is no need for you to embrace it. It is more important that you look at yourself and your mental health in a way that best helps you.

Forgetting PTSD and instead looking at the symptoms and clusters of symptoms that PTSD represents to clinicians, you will find where you feel you relate and where you feel you do not.

You state that you tried over and over again to get out of this abusive situation, and that it took three years, and it left you feeling humiliated. During this time you were threatened psychologically and also physically.

Your sister was killed in a car accident, which you learned about during the period of time that you were being stalked and harassed by the abuser you had left. Both events alone, and especially when combined, make you a suitable match (IMO) for the first big criteria that a clinician uses to diagnose PTSD.

For the second criteria, a clinician would look for a way in which these two experiences found a way to affect your life after these two traumas were over. Here we can relate the fear you developed of thunderstorms as a way in which you have continued to have your daily life intruded upon by what happened to you. Thunderstorms became a cue that signified to you to watch out for your safety, and that reminder caused you to feel emotions such as fear, and to have an appropriate physiological reaction.

The third criteria, avoidance, is also difficult for me. I think it is difficult for many clinicians also, as I have seen some describe this feature in different ways. But to boil it down most basically, avoidance could be over anything that reminds you of the abuser or of your sister's car accident. I don't see a good example of such avoidance in your post, but here are some suggestions

Do you leave your inbox full so that you can't receive voice messages?
Would you date another former police officer, or one who looked like the abuser or had the same first name as the abuser? Or someone who wore the same cologne?
Do you avoid driving on the street where your sister was killed?

Avoidance can take many forms and it can be easy to miss. I obsess over my trauma in so many ways that to me, the idea of avoidance is kind of ridiculous. But then I notice the little things.... the name of someone involved with my trauma is difficult for me to hear or say. I cannot watch certain TV shows that remind me of things..... I can't date men with tattoos....those kinds of things.

Now if you continue the rest of criteria yourself, I think you will be able to see how you identify with PTSD as well as the ways in which you contrast with PTSD. It's a generic set of criteria. Nothing fits everyone perfectly. And again, the criteria for PTSD is useful for clinicians and not important for you unless it helps you.

 

[Boldnbeautiful4]

Hi,

I am a domestic abuse survivor and some of the experiences you talked about I been through myself. I also dealt with a lot of deaths in short amount of time. My body responds differently than other people. I can be ok for awhile , then something (song, food, fragrance, photo, tv, etc) brings back memories, nightmares. I pray and journal through the hard times. I also have a circle of strong females who life me up when I'm down. You could have it.

 

[DMerish]

I was in a relationship nearly identical to what you described for about twice as long. I had/have the same "symptoms" you listed. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1987. I resisted the (label) diagnosis. I was confused because I had "normal" days also. I've had therapy off and on to learn how to manage symptoms. Over the last twenty years, my symptoms have gone into "remission" several times for very long periods (years).

I have had episodes of tachycardia (heart racing) for many, many years. No physiological cause has been found - I've gone through all the tests except one, which would require surgery and is very expensive. It's not necessary. I'm convinced that my many years of repressing the trauma and symptoms (to appear normal) is what causes the tachycardia. I wish more was known about PTSD when I was first diagnosed, that I had accepted the diagnosis earlier, and dealt with my trauma more deeply and for longer years ago.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

 

[maal]

In my own recovery, arguing terminology and labels is all too often an extension of my denial. As long as I can keep the argument on whether to call it a pickle or a preserved cucumber, I don't have to experience the pain of looking at the underlying issues. This doesn't mean giving up my right to question. It is only questioning my personal focus. Do I want to argue labels or pursue healing?

Thanks, I think the label is bothering me a lot. I thought I was improving a lot on my own (I started yoga and volunteer to combat stress and self esteem issues), the label just has me feeling more embarrassed because I've really only been exposed to it from those in combat. I do think I focus on it too much.

 

[maal]

I was in a relationship nearly identical to what you described for about twice as long. I had/have the same "symptoms" you listed. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1987. I resisted the (label) diagnosis. I was confused because I had "normal" days also. I've had therapy off and on to learn how to manage symptoms. Over the last twenty years, my symptoms have gone into "remission" several times for very long periods (years).

Your situation does sound similar to mine. I am glad to hear that it's not unusual to have long periods of normalcy.

 

[maal]

Hi,

I am a domestic abuse survivor and some of the experiences you talked about I been through myself. I also dealt with a lot of deaths in short amount of time. My body responds differently than other people. I can be ok for awhile , then something (song, food, fragrance, photo, tv, etc) brings back memories, nightmares. I pray and journal through the hard times. I also have a circle of strong females who life me up when I'm down. You could have it.

I have had occasional nightmares, I've never paid attention enough to determine if something is causing those to come up. I do the journal thing also, It seems to really help sometimes when I am between therapist visits. That's great that you have a nice support group to turn to. I've had a difficult time getting any of my friends to understand. They are used to coming to me for advice, with the role reversed they usually don't know what to say so conversations tend to end in silence or me changing the subject.

 

[maal]

The first thing I would say to you is that clinicians use diagnoses not to label you but rather to convey amongst professionals regarding what sort of codified symptoms and groups of symptoms best represent your condition. This way they can communicate across professions--a therapist can speak to your insurance company for billing information, or pass this information to your general physician. So if the label does you no help or harms you, there is no need for you to embrace it. It is more important that you look at yourself and your mental health in a way that best helps you.

You gave me a lot to think about. I do seem to fit the criteria. The avoidance thing I would have originally disagreed with, but the questions made me think I do. I avoid men with the same hairstyle, dress, and name. Not cops in particular, but I'd be leery of dating one. I am surprised you asked about the road my sister was killed on because I drive past it often and I always tell myself to look for it and somehow pass it without ever seeing it. It does make me wonder if I am subconsciously avoiding it.