Behavior Awareness... Changing Them

[Thinkingman85]

I suffered from narcissistic abuse for three years. I had to witness horrible behaviors. The narc blatantly tried degrading me for control. I left and cut off all contact. However, I still suffer from residual damage. there are some things that I can't shake off. It's a reason why I have PTSD.

I feel that the narc was very controlling because he didn't want to lose me. Therefore, he tried degrading me so I felt like I needed him. I'm aware of this. That is why I left. I cannot stand codependent people when it is toxic. However, after going through three years of the trauma I think I inherited some of his behaviors. After I left I developed a fear that no one would care about me. My openhearted friendly way of living seemed to be in jeopardy. In an attempt to keep people in my life I behaved in a similar way as the narc. It wasn't as harsh, of course, but more subtle... devaluing people's stances, etc. After going through narc abuse I learned his tactics. Still, I don't want to implement them. They are rooted in falseness.

The main problem I face is being able to have enough confidence in myself to not feel the need (subconscious) to control people in order to be loved and cared for. Before the narc abuse, I never faced this problem. I always am scared of losing everyone. Like I said, when I left the narc this fear developed. I don't involve myself socially because I don't want to have any qualities of the narc. I don't want to hurt people unintentionally.

 

[Mayday]

I think the awareness is the first step to changing behaviour, so you're on the right track. I also find that I sometimes acts in ways similar to how I was treated growing up, and I hate when I do that, it seems so automatic, I guess because it becomes that way as a coping mechanism.

For me, it has helped to be aware of this. And also to put more emphasis on noticing and complimenting myself when I do good things, as I've a tendency to black and white thinking, and telling myself I'm an awful person if I do one thing wrong, while ignoring the ten kind things I did. So just being more aware and bring things into balance. And also knowing that I'm not acting that way because I'm inherently a bad person, I'm acting that way because of the abuse, not that it excuses bad behaviour, but it does help to explain it, and make me feel less bad when I notice it, so that I can focus on being better in the future, instead of just beating myself for that mistake, which makes it more likely for me to make more mistakes in the future.

Sorry, I am waffling on, but hope that makes some kind of sense

 

[Mayday]

My therapist calls this "finding evidence" and my negative thoughts are upsetting me, we go through them and find the evidence for each belief. So that has made me more aware when I have the automatic thoughts, so that I start looking for evidence either for or against, as I know she will ask me to do that in our sessions.

 

[Venusian]

I don't involve myself socially because I don't want to have any qualities of the narc. I don't want to hurt people unintentionally.

I think this way too, that I am isolating myself so that I don't hurt others but then I see the opposite is also true. If I don't let anyone in then I don't get hurt by them. It is a two edged sword, I tell myself the one thing because I feel like I am selfless but in actuality it is just something that is less painful and I am protecting myself. If I don't let anyone close they can't hurt me because it was the people that I let close that did the most damage.