Depersonalisation Is The Result Of My Thought Cycle-how To Stop It?

[falling]

I have noticed a cycle that causes me to depersonalize and I am trying to find ways to stop that from happening. If anyone has any suggestions for me I'd appreciate it.

The cycle I have noticed works like this-I am 'happily' going about my day when something will trigger me and then I think of the trauma. I (without controlling it) go numb in order to avoid feeling the shitty feelings that come. As a result I am left feeling like a robot. I can't feel anything. I don't even feel like I'm here. I feel like I'm inside my body and I'm on autopilot. I feel like I'm not living. Like the world is still going and I go along with it but not as me. As a numb robot. Everything I do feels in-genuine. This makes me come across as a cold person to others. Which makes me hate myself even more because I don't want to be like this.

In the past when I felt like this I would do self destructive things. I would drink too much, smoke weed, party with people I don't know, seek conflicts with my abusive bf. Those things helped somehow. I can't do any of those things now as I a have responsibilities (daughter). I will NOT do anything that will inturn hurt her. But I'm so desperate to FEEL something. Anything. That's why I ended up hurting myself. I don't know why exactly but feeling pain is better. I cut myself. Not enough to cause too much damage but enough so I could feel again. I've never done that before. I am disgusted that I did it. Which makes me hate myself even more. ugh....this is HELL.

 

[franciemarnie]

When I go numb, I am back in immobilization mode. I have to find a way out. Depending on the situation, I will put on my IPod and play certain songs that can break thru and I will walk, watching my feet as I go (even if it's back and forth in a room in my apartment) to show my limbic brain that I am not trapped anymore, I can move.

A lot of times I have rage that's been triggered and I will automatically go numb. I will box the air or kick out with my legs. I destroyed two speed bags so I don't have one at the moment to use. I used to hit tennis balls from a machine but I tore my glute so many times from quick violent moves that I don't think that's an option anymore.

I have been known to scream but I try to do that into a pillow.

My favorite is walking with music, or kicking out in space, even just sitting but moving my legs as if I am running.

The limbic brain is trying to protect me. It thinks I can't run or fight when it gets the message of a threat to safety so I try to tell it in the sense languages it understands that we are not trapped anymore.

 

[digger]

Hi, I'm still working on finding solutions to a lot of this stuff myself so don't really have any solutions I'm afraid, but just wanted to say that I hear you.

Those things helped somehow. I can't do any of those things now as I a have responsibilities(daughter). I will NOT do anything that will inturn hurt her.

It is hard when we lose the coping strategies that we have previously relied on, however destructive they may have been. These are all things that I have done too and no longer feel are an option as a parent.

I've never done that before. I am disgusted that I did it

I know that feeling well having self harmed on and off since childhood, but please try not to be too hard on yourself for it, it only feeds the cycle. You did it to fill a need that you couldn't find another way to fill and what's important is that you are trying really hard to find other ways.

I'm sorry I can't really be more help but you might find looking at the Bristol Crisis Service website (I can't put a link in, but google it) helpful as they have a lot of information about and coping strategies for self harm that might help you if you feel that way again.

 

[falling]

Thanks for the walking tip Francie. I have found that walking helps.
And Digger-I found comfort knowing that you understand the self harm thing. It's just so shameful. I'll have a look at the site.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

I have had this problem too. I wish I knew how to help you.

Most often, it will actually happen when I need to go to sleep, preventing me from being ABLE to sleep. What happens is I can start the process of going to sleep but as soon as I reach a semi hypnagogic mind state, this happens, and I lock up, crash out of it, like a blue screen of death, and then my body goes into the fight or flight response, making me very awake and in panic.

I have a very hard time remembering the things that have happened. There's no clear timeline. ...My guess is I did not often feel safe in bed at night, without a room of my own away from the danger. guessing that's why I still struggle 20 years later

My best suggestion is a change of scenery the only thing that has ever helped me become functional again after, I try to get somewhere else to interrupt this

 

[EverOnly358]

Falling,

First of all, I'm so sorry things are so bad for you right now.

But I want to look at it this way... you've admitted that you want to feel better and you'll do almost anything to feel better (because you resorted to cutting yourself (and just so you know... I've done my share of self-harm and I relate to what you're saying)). Okay? But that's great progress. Now you just have to find a healthier solution than cutting yourself, and do that. You're halfway there. (Am I being weirdly optimistic? I fear I'm coming off weirdly optimistic, and I'm not having an optimistic day. :laugh:)

So... I'm no expert, but here's the thing. To get back from depersonalization, you need to do something physical. Whatever exercise floats your boat. I have a tendency to isolate when I'm at my worst, so I've come up with a bunch of things I can even do when I'm locked in my bedroom. I love Francie's ideas. Do things that make you feel strong. Sometimes these simple ideas seem too small next to the great deal of pain you're experiencing (or perhaps I should say... not experiencing, because it's too much, and your brain forces you to depersonalize to protect yourself). But y'know what, these small things... they do work. Don't give up before you try. (Heck, maybe I should take my own advice, huh?)

And I referenced this document in another post, but it's so good I'm gonna reference it again... https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dissociation-explained.13879/ Something about the tone of this link makes me feel, I dunno, smart and talented as opposed to endlessly screwed up and weak. ;)

You deserve to feel better. Try out some other options. I'm gonna try, too.

D

Oh, Dreams... totally love the "lock up, crash out of it, like a blue screen of death." That really explains it perfectly to me. Though I am sorry it's been so hard for you. My childhood trauma all occurred in my bedrooms growing up. God, I guess I never realized that before. So, I've made my bedroom now into everything happy and comfortable and wonderful (there's like even a mini fridge). And I have this thing about locking the door. If the door's locked, then I'm safe. So... I'm thinking, maybe you can find some way (even if it's a little silly or weird like mine) to make your bedroom feel safe. Because I totally relate to not feeling safe in my bedroom, but one of the best things you can do to feel better is get proper sleep. So do something that makes you feel safe.

 

[rockgirl]

Hey I kind of feel for you. Something similar has been happening to me lately, except I dissociate and when I'm talking it's hard to connect with people and some times I feel that I'm barely in my body. I have had strong urges to cut lately. Someone in another post was talking about doing some sensory exercises like having a cup of cocoa or coffee and cupping your hands around the drink, smelling it, feeling its warmth...as I'm saying this I know you may be think its silly because you're obviously in a lot of pain but try it.