Back story, my gf recently broke up with me. We had only been together for three months. They were the best three months of my life. It was a long distance relationship(2 hours) and she is in medical school. She told me early in the relationship about her PTSD and dissociation from a childhood sexual and physical abuse from a family member. I believe this happened for about 6 years before she was a teenager. She had it all come back to her about two years ago. She told me about the panic attacks, cutting and, getting over suicidal thoughts and working it out with a school councilor. She was not bi-polar, but she was taking some anti anxiety medication as far as I knew, but I told her I would always listen and not ask her for any specifics. That is hers to share if/when she was ready.
I have not been in many relationships in my life. Sadly this three month one would be one of the longest of my life. I have many confidence issues, but when I was with her, it just felt so real. I was always very affectionate to her and always looking to sneak a kiss or hold her hand. I don't want to give up on her if she is hurting. I do want to respect her wishes. I don't know if it is worth trying to save as I fear this will push her away.
So I am coming here to ask for advice. I have been reading the forums for months and trying to be ready for the bumps that would come in our relationship. She never gave me the chance to talk about it. I want to talk about it, but is that selfish of me. It isn't about just me.
Here is how it played out. After about two amazing months we went to her friends wedding together and it was the first time we did more than kissing and touching, but did not have sex. I was so cautious, always asking permission when touching or kissing her places. We had talked about if anything happened when we were fooling around I would stop, and she would stop if something wasn't good for me. My inexperience left me quite anxious that night. She was a little alarmed, and I told her about my history or lack there of history with women.
The next weekend I met her parents. Everyone got along great. We had amazing food and were just good company together. We played with the family dogs and I really began to fall for her. After we got back to her place we fooled around again, but not sex. I was quite anxious and she knew it. We ended up just cuddling together.
The week after that she took on a very busy work/school schedule and got a cold. We canceled our weekend plans for the first time ever, but it all made sense to me. She was sick, and had a lot to catch up on over the weekend. I saw her that Tuesday, and she really was sick. Our texting and calling started to slow down a little, but I felt it was her school/work load and she had warned me it was going to be busy.
The next weekend she met my parents. Originally she was going to come down that Friday, but had to work late, and came down first think in the morning. She was quite stressed that morning and we went on a walk. As I was talking about the leaves changing and complaining about all the raking I would have to do, she told me a story about a family member, whom I believe was her abuser, that bothered me. She told me how he would rake his leaves in the streets and then hide blocks in there to mess up peoples cars. She also said he would shoot cats because he knew that would hurt her. I just gave her a hug and kiss and said that was awful. I should have know that was a bad sign. We went to my family BBQ and everyone was blown away by how happy we looked together. That night when we went to bed, it was her time of the month and we made out and cuddled shirtless. In the morning she seemed distant when I was trying to look into her eyes. I think I knew something was very wrong that morning. I tried to make sure we were ok, and that I hadn't done something too much. I told her I just wanted to comfort her and she said she didn't need comfort. I said I meant I am trying to be affectionate, and she said I was. It still felt off and I knew she was wanting to get home early to get caught up on her studies.
The following week I had a tree fall down in my back yard so we did not make plans. Our texting communication had pretty much come to a stop, and she would call me at the very end of her day and sounded so tired. I asked if I could come bring her a study care packages, which I did of snack foods and flowers. I hung out for a couple of hours and we went on a walk. I asked her again if we were ok, and she said we were. It felt very off, but I couldn't get her to talk.
The week after that we were both going to be out of town. She was going to go back to her parents house to see her dog. This was a 5 hour drive. I called her that Sunday expecting her to be driving home. She had not left and stayed in that weekend as she was having some back pain(she has a history of back surgeries).
I intended to tell her the silence was killing me, and I knew that I had done something wrong. She assured me that wasn't the case and started to lay the ground work to break up with me. She said maybe we shouldn't talk every day and said she felt claustrophobic even though I had given her tons of space and that we are 2 hours apart. She told me I was amazing. She said I had so much to offer. She sounded very down on herself and said she was retarded. Normally I would think I had been cheated on. Maybe I have been, I don't know. I was a wreck the next few days, and could not eat or sleep. I still really felt guilty if she was having stress over our relationship. I sent her a text that Wednesday asking to talk, and telling her no pressure if she needed more time. We decided on Thursday, and that is when we broke up. She told me she thought she was ready to be in a relationship, but is not. She reaffirmed I did nothing wrong. I asked her if the spark was ever there, or if she was trying the whole time. She replied both. She told me we had a lot of fun together. I told her I wish we had communicated better, and we kind of joked about if she is ever in my city or if I am ever in hers.
I know she had a few triggered incidents through our relationship. She told me normally when that had happened she would end a relationship. I don't know if it can be salvaged, or if she just wanted out while she was hurting. I don't want to lose her, but if it will never work, I don't want to make her life miserable. I know she is strong willed, and will do what is right for her. I just can't decide if I should reach out, or let it be.
Below is the email I am considering sending. If anything sharing this story has been therapeutic for me. I really cannot talk about her business with anyone in my life, as that is not my story to share.
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I have so many thoughts and questions.
From our Sunday conversation, the thing that has bothered me was your comment calling yourself retarded. Also you talked about feeling claustrophobic even though you had space. You don't have to explain those. When you said you thought you were ready to be in a relationship, but you were wrong, it makes me think you were running for some reason. On Thursday you told me you no longer had feelings for me. If that is really all it is, I accept that, I've heard it before. Normally I would not try to reach out. It's just this time, I don't know what went wrong. You never talked to me about it so all I can do is speculate.
This isn't about me, I wanted to make sure you are OK. We were so happy, and having so much fun, at least I was, I really didn't see it being over. I felt we had three weeks of quiet and I was thinking you were busy w/ school. Eventually I knew something was wrong. I was cranked up about my own work and life and missed acting on the signs. There were many signs I wanted to ask you about, but I was always afraid to ask. I wanted to talk to you about the things in my life I was working on to make us better. I hoped you would trust me to talk to me, and that I would understand. We had talked about how sometimes you might need space or time. I would never judge you or get mad at you for being honest with me.
Looking back I feel you were hurting and needed space, I didn't know and tried to be there more, thus pushing you away. I fear that I smothered you with my actions. I felt it really derailed after you went back to school on that Wednesday. Maybe you felt it sooner, I don't know. I tried to ask if you/we were OK, but you always said we were. I should have told you I didn't believe you.
When we first started dating, I was so scared. You were everything I never thought I would know. You really helped me come out of the rut I had been in my life. I didn't really think it was real. I couldn't believe what an amazing person you were. Your passion for life inspired me. I had forgotten how much more there was to do other than work and watching TV. I looked forward to hearing about your day. My weeks were so long because I looked forward to hanging out with you. Go on walks, cook for you, or just be together. All I wanted to do was be good to you. For the first time in my life I wasn't just thinking about myself. I wanted to make you happy. I worried that I might be in the way of your career. I worried that we would move to fast, and I was so insecure. Sometimes after a weekend when we were apart I would feel tremendous guilt. This is what I planned to talk to you about that last Sunday. I so appreciate what you told me the last time we talked. It really helped me get over those feelings I was having.
You didn't deserve the hand you were dealt. When you first told me I knew I needed to do everything in my power to support and respect you, if you would let me. If us being together has stopped being a positive force in your life, then it has to be over. As hard as it is, I understand that. If I can be helpful in any way, even just as a friend, know that I am here.
I've ran from happiness my whole life, I just don't want to end this the way it is and have any regrets later. I don't know if this email was fair to send or not. I would have much rather delivered it in person. I don't expect a reply. I just needed to let you know how I felt, and that I care.
-----
Is anything in the email unfair of me?
Send or don't send? Let her go or fight for it?
I have not been in many relationships in my life. Sadly this three month one would be one of the longest of my life. I have many confidence issues, but when I was with her, it just felt so real. I was always very affectionate to her and always looking to sneak a kiss or hold her hand. I don't want to give up on her if she is hurting. I do want to respect her wishes. I don't know if it is worth trying to save as I fear this will push her away.
So I am coming here to ask for advice. I have been reading the forums for months and trying to be ready for the bumps that would come in our relationship. She never gave me the chance to talk about it. I want to talk about it, but is that selfish of me. It isn't about just me.
Here is how it played out. After about two amazing months we went to her friends wedding together and it was the first time we did more than kissing and touching, but did not have sex. I was so cautious, always asking permission when touching or kissing her places. We had talked about if anything happened when we were fooling around I would stop, and she would stop if something wasn't good for me. My inexperience left me quite anxious that night. She was a little alarmed, and I told her about my history or lack there of history with women.
The next weekend I met her parents. Everyone got along great. We had amazing food and were just good company together. We played with the family dogs and I really began to fall for her. After we got back to her place we fooled around again, but not sex. I was quite anxious and she knew it. We ended up just cuddling together.
The week after that she took on a very busy work/school schedule and got a cold. We canceled our weekend plans for the first time ever, but it all made sense to me. She was sick, and had a lot to catch up on over the weekend. I saw her that Tuesday, and she really was sick. Our texting and calling started to slow down a little, but I felt it was her school/work load and she had warned me it was going to be busy.
The next weekend she met my parents. Originally she was going to come down that Friday, but had to work late, and came down first think in the morning. She was quite stressed that morning and we went on a walk. As I was talking about the leaves changing and complaining about all the raking I would have to do, she told me a story about a family member, whom I believe was her abuser, that bothered me. She told me how he would rake his leaves in the streets and then hide blocks in there to mess up peoples cars. She also said he would shoot cats because he knew that would hurt her. I just gave her a hug and kiss and said that was awful. I should have know that was a bad sign. We went to my family BBQ and everyone was blown away by how happy we looked together. That night when we went to bed, it was her time of the month and we made out and cuddled shirtless. In the morning she seemed distant when I was trying to look into her eyes. I think I knew something was very wrong that morning. I tried to make sure we were ok, and that I hadn't done something too much. I told her I just wanted to comfort her and she said she didn't need comfort. I said I meant I am trying to be affectionate, and she said I was. It still felt off and I knew she was wanting to get home early to get caught up on her studies.
The following week I had a tree fall down in my back yard so we did not make plans. Our texting communication had pretty much come to a stop, and she would call me at the very end of her day and sounded so tired. I asked if I could come bring her a study care packages, which I did of snack foods and flowers. I hung out for a couple of hours and we went on a walk. I asked her again if we were ok, and she said we were. It felt very off, but I couldn't get her to talk.
The week after that we were both going to be out of town. She was going to go back to her parents house to see her dog. This was a 5 hour drive. I called her that Sunday expecting her to be driving home. She had not left and stayed in that weekend as she was having some back pain(she has a history of back surgeries).
I intended to tell her the silence was killing me, and I knew that I had done something wrong. She assured me that wasn't the case and started to lay the ground work to break up with me. She said maybe we shouldn't talk every day and said she felt claustrophobic even though I had given her tons of space and that we are 2 hours apart. She told me I was amazing. She said I had so much to offer. She sounded very down on herself and said she was retarded. Normally I would think I had been cheated on. Maybe I have been, I don't know. I was a wreck the next few days, and could not eat or sleep. I still really felt guilty if she was having stress over our relationship. I sent her a text that Wednesday asking to talk, and telling her no pressure if she needed more time. We decided on Thursday, and that is when we broke up. She told me she thought she was ready to be in a relationship, but is not. She reaffirmed I did nothing wrong. I asked her if the spark was ever there, or if she was trying the whole time. She replied both. She told me we had a lot of fun together. I told her I wish we had communicated better, and we kind of joked about if she is ever in my city or if I am ever in hers.
I know she had a few triggered incidents through our relationship. She told me normally when that had happened she would end a relationship. I don't know if it can be salvaged, or if she just wanted out while she was hurting. I don't want to lose her, but if it will never work, I don't want to make her life miserable. I know she is strong willed, and will do what is right for her. I just can't decide if I should reach out, or let it be.
Below is the email I am considering sending. If anything sharing this story has been therapeutic for me. I really cannot talk about her business with anyone in my life, as that is not my story to share.
---------------
I have so many thoughts and questions.
From our Sunday conversation, the thing that has bothered me was your comment calling yourself retarded. Also you talked about feeling claustrophobic even though you had space. You don't have to explain those. When you said you thought you were ready to be in a relationship, but you were wrong, it makes me think you were running for some reason. On Thursday you told me you no longer had feelings for me. If that is really all it is, I accept that, I've heard it before. Normally I would not try to reach out. It's just this time, I don't know what went wrong. You never talked to me about it so all I can do is speculate.
This isn't about me, I wanted to make sure you are OK. We were so happy, and having so much fun, at least I was, I really didn't see it being over. I felt we had three weeks of quiet and I was thinking you were busy w/ school. Eventually I knew something was wrong. I was cranked up about my own work and life and missed acting on the signs. There were many signs I wanted to ask you about, but I was always afraid to ask. I wanted to talk to you about the things in my life I was working on to make us better. I hoped you would trust me to talk to me, and that I would understand. We had talked about how sometimes you might need space or time. I would never judge you or get mad at you for being honest with me.
Looking back I feel you were hurting and needed space, I didn't know and tried to be there more, thus pushing you away. I fear that I smothered you with my actions. I felt it really derailed after you went back to school on that Wednesday. Maybe you felt it sooner, I don't know. I tried to ask if you/we were OK, but you always said we were. I should have told you I didn't believe you.
When we first started dating, I was so scared. You were everything I never thought I would know. You really helped me come out of the rut I had been in my life. I didn't really think it was real. I couldn't believe what an amazing person you were. Your passion for life inspired me. I had forgotten how much more there was to do other than work and watching TV. I looked forward to hearing about your day. My weeks were so long because I looked forward to hanging out with you. Go on walks, cook for you, or just be together. All I wanted to do was be good to you. For the first time in my life I wasn't just thinking about myself. I wanted to make you happy. I worried that I might be in the way of your career. I worried that we would move to fast, and I was so insecure. Sometimes after a weekend when we were apart I would feel tremendous guilt. This is what I planned to talk to you about that last Sunday. I so appreciate what you told me the last time we talked. It really helped me get over those feelings I was having.
You didn't deserve the hand you were dealt. When you first told me I knew I needed to do everything in my power to support and respect you, if you would let me. If us being together has stopped being a positive force in your life, then it has to be over. As hard as it is, I understand that. If I can be helpful in any way, even just as a friend, know that I am here.
I've ran from happiness my whole life, I just don't want to end this the way it is and have any regrets later. I don't know if this email was fair to send or not. I would have much rather delivered it in person. I don't expect a reply. I just needed to let you know how I felt, and that I care.
-----
Is anything in the email unfair of me?
Send or don't send? Let her go or fight for it?
