The T Said I Am Frightening And I Am Affected Really Badly

[Riptide]

Recently a therapist terminated me for dissociating and having a flashback in her office . I ran out, trying to escape. She terminated me the next day, over the phone, after 2 months of multiple sessions per week. However, during the termination phone call, she said "You have no idea how frightening you are."

I am so upset by this comment. My self-esteem and self-worth which was already in the pits is worse. I am afraid to see another T and fear even leaving my house. I am missing a lot of work that my job is at risk. I experienced a lot in my life, but I have never hurt anyone. In fact, I work with people that most of society would turn their back on or ignore.

I feel like she basically saw and confirmed why I was never adopted (grew up in foster care)... because I am "frightening." That why I was treated the way I was growing up.... because I am "frightening." That why I have a hard time in life is ......because I am "frightening."

This therapist was much older than me, so what or who was she seeing?

I do not have a diagnosis that would be "scary" to therapists and I am pretty introverted. How does telling a client this seem helpful, especially when terminating them? Honestly, I want to give up because this seems like the worst thing I could be told about myself at this point...

 

[Powder]

I think you need to ask her to be more specific. I know that sounds crazy, but those words are a trigger for you, coincidentally. Rather than hearing this statement, which is an emotional judgment, you need to hear what you said or did that made her feel fear.

One, you have a right to know. Does she tape-record sessions? If so, get into therapy with a more trauma qualified person who is able to take on "scary" patients, and listen to the tape, or ask them to listen to the tape before you do (and help you work through its contents).

You may need to go to an in-patient PTSD safe place to process your flashbacks. Bad flashbacks like this are not always treatable in an outpatient setting for the very reason that they are not deemed manageable by one lonely person who feels too vulnerable.

You were not adopted for other reasons, other particular circumstances that have nothing to do with this situation because now you are an adult and this Abandonment is different. But I validate your feelings of abandonment that this termination has brought up for you. That is totally valid. Rationally, this is different, emotionally is is similar. ((((HUGS))))

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I am also worried that my T won't be able to "handle" me if one of my parts takes over and acts so traumatized that it freaks her out.

I think your T. may have terminated you to protect herself from her own feeling of vulnerability and FAILURE. She may feel that because you flashback-ed so totally in therapy that she is a failure as a therapist, that "she" pushed you too far. She may not have experienced this kind of thing before and was emotionally unprepared to handle it. She may feel inadequate and it took several hours for her to calm down enough to see that she cannot endure the therapeutic relationship because she doesn't have adequate resources to do so.

I have often wanted to become a therapist and help others, but when I see how I can react to my trauma, I can see how I have such limited emotional endurance for pain that I would freak out too much and not be able to help people. Not all therapists have what it takes to "go there." I have found most people are in denial about their personal limitations and unconsciously see themselves as heroic and wonderful. They choose to avoid people who remind them of their faults, mistakes, and "no go zones." This might be one of those cases. If her ego were very flexible and strong, she could see you still, even after she "failed you" by letting your flashback get out of hand.

I know from my long-term relationship with my husband, who I have been with for 18 years, that he has had to dig deep and find reserves and endurance beyond what most will find in order to endure my complex PTSD symptoms, lashouts, and displays. Somehow, he sees beyond it. Most would not.

Take time to heal from this and realize what a toll it has taken, but use it to find a better therapist who CAN tolerate it when you flashback. You are okay. You can do this.

 

[Abstract]

I feel so badly for you and incensed on your behalf. I truly think your ex T has issues but the sad thing is that I know how hard it is to dislodge something even when we know it is unfair and not true.

It makes absolutely zero sense to me how an experienced trauma T would find a flashback where a client is afraid and withdrawing, frightening. It is even more beyond me why she would share this with you.

It does make me think that she was either triggered herself by it to her own trauma or that she has no experience of working with flashbacks.

• Flashbacks are NOT your fault.
• You being in pain does NOT make you unlovable or bad in any way.
• Anything that happened in your childhood is NOT your fault.
• Other T's have not been afraid and this is about the last T NOT you.
• I am NOT scared of you. :playful:

Can you do some affirmations and say them to yourself all the time?

If you really find you cannot engage any more then it might be worthwhile considering an inpatient treatment. I have heard from someone who was abused in therapy that was the way she managed to get past it.

You will be able to get suitable and safe treatment with the right person so please hang in there. Take care.

 

[James1976]

I am in complete agreement with "Abstract" in terms of feeling badly for you, but perhaps more incensed. Your therapist (so called), has been triggered by the reliving of your past trauma within the session. My immediate question would be: "Who did you represent in that moment for your therapist?" Or perhaps: "What figure from your therapist's past (or present) was she projecting onto you? This sounds like a classic case of unresolved trauma that your therapist has which she is dumping onto you. She could have been splitting off the unwanted and unintegrated traumatised parts of herself which she sees in you, and is dumping them onto you. Scapegoating works like this.

A therapeutic relationship is just that - a relationship, and like any relationship we all bring our past relationships to it, and crucially, the dynamics that were formed back then. Usually, words such as transference, projection etc. are used to describe these phenomena. Any therapist worth their salt has processed enough of their own trauma to be able to discern what is happening in that relationship with their client, in this case, you. They are able to recognise their own traumatised parts, and have accepted and integrated them sufficiently to be able to work freely with their clients.

You may not think this now, but thank God she terminated your sessions. A therapist like that can be very dangerous, and at your expense (both personal and financial). I am just so sorry that you have gone through this.

Finally, never take what happened to you personally, and take the time and advice that you need to slowly and gently build up enough confidence and trust within yourself to seek the right therapist who you so richly deserve. Remember, one of the most healing and sacred tasks that any therapist can do is to accept you unconditionally for your whole self, including those parts of yourself that you may sometimes struggle with, or which seem "scary". I assure you that nothing is too frightening as long as it is understood. Your "therapist" might do well to remember that before engaging with any new and vulnerable clients!

If it is of any comfort to you, I was in training to become a therapist myself, and was so utterly disgusted and disillusioned by some of the wholly inadequate people on the training course, I packed it in. As someone who has trauma history myself, and who is working through things and understands your situation, I wish you every possible best wish.

 

[ill]

"You have no idea how frightening you are."

What really strikes me here is that your t is blaming you for her feelings. And it actually seems to be all about her feelings. Instead of telling you concretely what *behaviours* you displayed that frightened her and instead of acknowledging that your trauma might exceed her capacity to cope with and properly provide care for you, she's telling you that you're frightening her. This is not an "I statement" which would be something like "I was frightened when you disassociated and ran out of the office." One of the many things I learn in therapy is how to effectively and non-aggressively communicate my wants, needs and boundaries, but your t, who should certainly have training in how to communicate effectively, was aggressively blaming you. That is f-d up and that is on her, not you.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I'm sorry that you were triggered. I can only imagine how very painful this must be for you, and I hope that you look for and receive the help you need, from a t who is more self-aware and capable.

 

[StarChild]

do some affirmations and say them to yourself all the time?

Dear Abstract, may I ask you to explain what "affirmations" are? I never heard of this. But would be very interested to learn what it is and how does one make them? Your explanation would be very appreciated.

 

[franciemarnie]

I find your therapist frightening.

You I understand and am not the least bit frightened of. If you had a panic attack or yelled and screamed or went absolutely silent on me, I wouldn't blink an eye. I would understand why. I am so sorry you had to have this experience but you can turn it around and become somehow better - of this I have no doubt.

 

[Abstract]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/sweetlullaby.14111/"]SweetLullaby[/DLMURL]

They are short, positive statements that we can tell ourselves repeatedly that help to re programme our minds. If we have a specific problem we can aim it at that. A long time ago I thought something so simple couldn't possibly do anything but they do help.

[DLMURL]http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/affirmations.htm[/DLMURL]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/affirmations_b_3527028.html
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-...idelines-for-constructing-affirmations.13702/

Excuse the stupid examples such as using them for wealth! There are threads on this site with more examples. Hope that helps.Let me know if you need more info!

 

[Miss cptsd xx]

The first thing I thought was.... She is in the wrong profession. PTSD is scary for her, she should try living it.

Flashbacks are awful and extremely scary for the person experiencing it, as a counsellor she should really know to expect that and how to help the person.

I would perhaps write a formal letter of complaint if she is with a firm ( here in the uk our mental health is run by NHS ) this sort of behaviour is dis respectful to you and utterly out of order.

 

[The Albatross]

First off, you're best served reacting to what she did say, rather that the things she did not say. Piling unresolved feelings onto your shrink, who did not handle the situation at all well by the way, isn't helping anything.

The fact is the therapist did not confirm why you were never adopted (grew up in foster care)..... or That why you were treated the way you were growing up.was because"I am "frightening."

I think it is a gross over simplification to infer that "That why I have a hard time in life is ......because I am "frightening."

Frankly, though it would have been most opportune to ask her to define what that meant at the time the conversation occurred... I doubt myself I would have been able to if your situation happened to me. I would be blank or speechless. But I would, I think ask her to clarify it and relay that it is important for me to understand what she meant.

I'm not at all sure that telling a client this is helpful in anyway, and think it was handled very poorly. But that being said, heaping upon your therapist major life issues and attempting to tie them up with a bow that says "because I am frightening"... is a leap that you made, not her. I think I would question the series of thoughts that cascaded as a result of what she said to you. Either with her or in an uptake with a new therapist.

 

[Powder]

I think everyone is correct and caring here; however, let's not bash the T. too harshly here. She might not be the most adept at handling patients with trauma, but she has a basic human right to have feelings and be afraid and respect her own needs in the therapeutic relationship. My chief anger with her is the way she handled it, and why she did not act in a more helpful way in referring to a more qualified T. who could help if she can't.

I have read over and over that patients with trauma often switch into a protector self and threaten to kill the therapist (who we suddenly see as a perpetrator). This is something to at least consider as a possibility, then. Until you find out what happened, we are in the dark on it.

Let me ask you who threw the stones at her, how you would react to someone who just switched into a different voice and became violent and threatened, in detail, to do terrible, unspeakable things to you?! Yes, they are supposed to be trained to handle and understand that the patient would not actually do this to them, but until it actually happens, they don't know how they will feel.

IF this is what happened, and we don't know from this post what made the T. feel fear, then we have no right to judge her so harshly. If the patient went running out of there, afraid of her own flashback, then we don't know what was projected onto the T. and what was done in that room.

That is why it is necessary for healing to know and realize what happened and resolve the flashback episode in therapy with a qualified expert who understands.

I know that I have gone into rages that scare me that I have to deal with. I know that if we are honest, some of us have parts that we are afraid of. Why should we blame others who don't know us well to not be sure how to react to the threats of that part? Just saying they are "trained" does not account for the irrational nature of fear that even a therapist is subject to.

 

[intothelight]

Riptide,

I really love how ill summed this up:

What really strikes me here is that your t is blaming you for her feelings. And it actually seems to be all about her feelings. Instead of telling you concretely what *behaviours* you displayed that frightened her and instead of acknowledging that your trauma might exceed her capacity to cope with and properly provide care for you, she's telling you that you're frightening her

I believe that anyone would find her comment disconcerting, but you need to be very care not to personalize it and let it overrun your emotions and thought processes to the point that it becomes all consuming. Self affirmations are a great tool to for you to help yourself get back on track, and so is focusing on the "situation" and not yourself. In other words, focus on the action not the person. (Hope this makes sense.)

Is it possible to contact her to get the specifics of what she found so frightening? Honestly, I would also set the boundary by letting her know up front that you are not looking for her emotional response but just the facts or sequence of events as some people don't remember what they do when they are in the midst of a flashback and/or disassociated. By knowing what happened, this will enable you to address it with the another therapist, and also provide a new therapist with some information that could prevent a misinterpretation or even be integral to your recovery.

I had a poor therapist and she said something to me that shocked me. But my response is to get angry and "prove them wrong", but in that process I also developed a different view of therapy. A therapist is someone I hire to give me the information and tools I need to help myself recover. Nothing more and nothing less.