Not Enough Energy For Therapy Tomorrow

[mytai]

Feeling like I don't have enough energy emotional or otherwise for therapy tomorrow. I just got out of the hospital on Monday afternoon after being in there since Thursday morning. I was so sick with pneumonia and a kidney infection that my heart was at risk of cardiac arrest and I don't have a history of heart problems either. I'm still recovering, getting back physical strength, and emotionally I feel very damaged by some experiences at the hospital.

I'm not sure I have the emotional energy needed for tomorrow with my T. I don't know. I think I need to talk about some bad experiences I had while at the hospital, I really didn't do so well some nights with dissociating. Not sure what else we will talk about, not even sure if we will make it past the hospital experiences. I don't know if I have the emotional energy to stop myself from having flashbacks or crying in her office. Those are two things I have fought to not do while in her office to avoid feeling vulnerable in front of her. I'm kind of scared for tomorrow because I don't think I can hold back the tears or flashbacks if they come.

I'm scared but I'm also very worn down emotionally this week. That's one place I haven't allowed myself to be since I started therapy with my new T, so I'm fearful of the unknown and the new. Hope this made sense, if not I'm sorry, just getting back on track - I hope.

 

[Reds]

Just go see your t and be yourself. If you want to cry that is the best place to do it. I hate crying and I never let anyone see me cry, but when I am at my therapist office I let just let them come down. It is a safe place, I normally set my mind to believe I am alone in her office.

I am glad you out of hospital, take good care of yourself

 

[jd9900]

Just try to buckle down. Have you ever seen the movie, "The Matrix?" If not I highly recommend it. In that movie, in the opening scene, there is a woman being chased by someone. She has a choice. Can I make this leap, or can't I? She didn't know, but she tried. She made it.

As she sat on the ground after that leap, she said something that has stuck with me ever since. She sat there, unsure of how she even made it this far, and she said the following, talking to herself:

"Get up, Trinity."

She got up.

You can, too. :)

 

[digger]

It does make sense. I'm glad your on the mend but taking care of yourself in the recovery phase is also really important. I was ill (physically) for a lot of last year and spent a fair bit of it in a lot of pain. I'm still not 100% but it is mostly controlled at least for now, but I know how much energy being ill it can take out of you. There were times last year in therapy sessions where literally all my energy was being taking up just in managing the physical pain I was in in order to be there, but it kind of helped a bit just being in a space with someone who could see that. Pretty much anything else I would have just called off, but I kept my counselling appointments. I have a massive fear of hospitals and medical appointments etc and had to keep dealing with it over and over last year and the counselling, even though that wasn't my primary reason for being there, did help me a bit with it all, and some weeks that was all we addressed. I think you need to listen to your body though, and if it's really screaming 'rest' to you right now then I think it would be important to listen.

With regard to being vulnerable in front of your therapist, I get that and it is really scary. The last couple of weeks to me I have come closer to tears than I ever have before and have literally ended up shielding myself with my hands so she can't see my eyes! But I think at some point it is something that will need to happen and I try to align it with all the other things that have been really scary for me that we have managed and she has dealt with ok. I think looking at how your therapist has responded to you so far, hopefully a part of you at least will know that itis ok and that it is a safe place to be vulnerable.

 

[mytai]

It's true @digger1 I know it is a safe place to be vulnerable. It's almost like I have two separate parts to my brain though, one that knows it is safe, and one that is terrified of being vulnerable still. Crying is also something right now that I'm trying to avoid doing because I still have pneumonia and it makes breathing even more difficult as you can imagine.

I'm still going to see my T tonight, I'm just scared of being in a place emotionally that I haven't before going into therapy.

But I think at some point it is something that will need to happen and I try to align it with all the other things that have been really scary for me that we have managed and she has dealt with ok.

Exactly, my T has handled every one of my scary situations for me in just the right way for the time. She is very sensitive and careful with me and like you digger1, I have to learn that I can trust her with more situations that scare me because she hasn't given me any reason not to.

 

[digger]

It's almost like I have two separate parts to my brain though, one that knows it is safe, and one that is terrified of being vulnerable still.

Yeah, I have a hard time getting 'what I know' to agree with 'what I feel' a lot f the time. I think especially in situations like therapy where you are dealing with the emotions, it can be really hard to draw on the rational (what you know) side.

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm sorry to hear you have been so ill. Even though my mom was a nurse and I grew up around hospitals, I am not a fan of them. For one thing, it definitely isn't a place of rest.

I'm glad you are going to see your therapist. It could be beneficial to you. The one place I think I should be able to be vulnerable is in my therapists office. Probably why tears come easier to me there. But I can understand your not wanting to be. I hope it all goes well, well at least as well as therapy does.

 

[mytai]

I'm not a fan either @Britt.f7 , I find hospitals very triggering. Especially in this case where I was constantly being poked and prodded and woken up every few hours in the middle of the night, it was rough, it was more rough because I'm very sensitive at night and that's when I dissociated the most.

Definitely need to spend significant time talking about all the times I was triggered and dissociated in the hospital during therapy with my T today. Thankfully I'm working a few hours today right before therapy, it's helping pass the time. Only 4.5 hours until I see my T.

 

[mytai]

Going to write more heavily in my trauma diary about my session with my T, but we had a discussion about the hospital, and about me feeling emotionally tired.