Thought Loops

[arfie]

The drama of the season centers on 84-year-old in-laws. My mother-in-law had a massive stroke nearly 2 years ago. She was in the advanced stages of Huntington's Disease prior to the stroke. She has been receiving at-home nursing care since her stroke. Physical rages were part of her Huntington's onset. She routinely beat her husband. He denied it, black eyes and all.

The "head" CNA has taken over on every level possible and is beginning to look like the new step-mother with the old mother in tow. The father-in-law appears ever more dominated while the nurse cuts us ever further from their lives. It is looking ever more like the classic abuser isolation tactic. We are on the verge of initiating a public investigation. It is likely to destroy what is left of the family. Damned if we do, damned if we don't.

Tough stuff. My thought loops on the subject are getting ever tighter and meaner. I have zero evidence that obsessive thought loops ever helped anything. Just looking to get my thought loops under control.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Them darn thought loops are definitely going to get you in trouble, they get me in trouble all the time.

Sorry to hear your family has to go through this. I'm hoping your father-in-law just to spend some of the holiday season with you. It sounds as though he use your support, especially now.

 

[nursenurse]

Act on what you have just said in regards to your in-laws. The bottom line is that their safety comes first. If the rest of the family gets mad, so be it. Could you live with yourselves if you did nothing? Not to mention the emotional turmoil your F-I-L must be going through, and possibly the physical abuse of your M-i-l?. Make sure he hasn't changed his will and such. It's happened when an opportunistic outsider has gained control in the manner you have said. I am so very sorry for them and for you. Good luck.

 

[DMerish]

A thousand likes for Nursenurse's reply. What she described (the opportunistic outsider gaining control) occurred during my father's final few weeks. It happened real fast, resulted in a lot of heartache, lost assets, siblings pitted against each other, lining lawyer s pockets, and ten years of uncomfortable court issues which a few in my family never emotionally recovered from.

 

[arfie]

The Father in Law is quite smitten. Defends her presence as avidly as he denied he was a battered husband. Legal intervention is the only recourse I can see.

Still, the thought loops are never helpful.

 

[scout86]

Even a "head" CNA must have a boss, doesn't she? What ever else is going on, keeping the family out of the loop isn't the way these things are supposed to be handled.

I've never heard the term "thought loops" but it sure fits! As far as that goes, the only way I've ever found to deal with it is to somehow find an actual "direction" to move in instead of going around in a circle.

 

[arfie]

My father-in-law is the boss. Being a boss is the only thing he was ever really good at and he has always been very protective of his employee management. The slop thickens... Whatever her official title, she is ever more the woman in charge and he is lapping it up.

My mother-in-law looks more excluded and bed-ridden with every visit.

 

[nursenurse]

Affair???? Unprofessional either way, she needs a license revoking. My thought loop would be this "fire the B****. Fire the B. Fire the B. " Then I would find the direction as Scout said so that she had the door slam in the butt and would not be able to practice. Were that it would be that easy. He might have some mild dementia as well if his reasoning skills are this flawed. Yours is not an easy path, saying a prayer because it is all I can do.

 

[arfie]

The counter-productive nature of my own thought loops is that they will take an already tough problem and morph it into into delusional opines, one word at a time. Great for developing clever reparteès, but clever reparteès seldom solve problems. Just breathe?

 

[nursenurse]

Just breathe :)

 

[The Albatross]

As a care giver and CNA myself, it sounds to me like the worker is "emeshed" emotionally rather than setting up for abuse... though of course you are there, I am not and your impressions and observations are primary. It is not a caregivers role to overstep her place and assume a leading role in anyone's home. Her role is to assure safety, consistency of care and to assist.

We had a primary caregiver form an "unhealthy attachment" to a client and both me and the other agency caregiver expressed concern to our nurse. The family and our management elected to remove her, rightfully so.

If she is not affiliated with an agency I'd call a family meeting after speaking with both your parents and hopefully getting all on the same page. Clearly laying out what her responsibilities are - OR let her go and find a replacement. If she is with an agency, involve her management.

 

[The Albatross]

In our case this year, the client was "in love" and wanted to marry and provide financial assistance to his primary care giver. Totally inappropriate. She was though his care giver for 7 years and although she didn't encourage the mindset of the client, she didn't have the tools to shut it down and keep it on a professional basis. I felt like I needed to add that and that it is, on the reread of my own post, a necessary point to make.