Speaking Out; Become A Suicide Activist

[ms spock]

I am watching people coming from all over Australia to go to a funeral of a suicide. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could pull together and come together before the event of suicide. It would be a good tradition to start.

 

[Britt.f7]

Very interesting, thank you for sharing. Made me think of my own attempt and made me think of my both of my son's and how their mental health is. My oldest was floundering, but now he has a med that has seemingly helped him. I am fortunate to be alive. I forget that at times.

 

[ms spock]

We cannot solve all the world's problems by thinking about them alone, what makes us think we can solve all of our own problems by thinking about them alone?

I did have this idea in my head that if I could think it out then I could work it out. Then I could fix it. But it is actions that are required for healing. I have done a lot of those too, to be fair to myself.

 

[ms spock]

I keep changing up after a one year goal until I find something that clicks.

You have a great deal of acceptance of the time things take. You are pretty realistic about it as well. I really could do with some improvement in that area.

 

[ms spock]

I was certainly a different little girl before the abuse. So, I often think of my life in the context of what might have been... vs. what I am not, which is unacceptable and inappropriate for me to discuss with people. I find it fascinating that people think I choose to talk to them about pain, like I'm so focused on it that I'm missing out on what's good in life... when I feel like I'm reaching out of my isolation to find connection.

I am interested in how you were a different little girl before the abuse.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not to speak for Muzikluvr, but I would say before 'stuff', a lot happier, care-free, ready to laugh, not worried about setting off conflict. I had hope, 'normal' thoughts.

I guess I feel or felt 'not good enough' also, at the level of not-good-enough-as-even-human level, more so than a societal sort-of comparison, not good enough to be a spouse, or mom, or anything of much worth or what it might have brought on others. Hence the absurdity when people say the "What's a girl like you.." comment feels to me.

 

[ms spock]

not good enough to be a spouse, or mom, or anything of much worth or what it might have brought on others. Hence the absurdity when people say the "What's a girl like you.." comment feels to me.

I don't understand the What's a girl like you part. Could you explain it to me please?

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my Ms Spock, not much to explain, mentioned it to Muzikluvr earlier, the disparity of appearances to reality, peoples' preceptions. Always hear, "What's a pretty girl like you not married..", "What, you don't have kids?", "What do you mean you're single?", "Girls like you aren't single..", "What are you doing working in that job", etc. On and on. Dumb.

People here have said (sometimes) they are afraid that they're SO would find out how they are, I was afraid they wouldn't find out til it was too late (for them).

 

[Muzikluvr]

I am interested in how you were a different little girl before the abuse.

Not to speak for Muzikluvr,

I answered Ms Spock's question in my diary. You are welcome to view it [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/muzikluvrs-journey.18470/page-22#post-633035"]here[/DLMURL], if you can. :)

 

[Muzikluvr]

@Junebug Do you mean that you felt like you were grossly deficient, dirty, spoiled, unclean, despicable, etc...

It reminds me of 2 scenes I watched on television when I was a kid, 1 was on Little House on the Prairie. A girl came home through the woods and was raped. She told her father about it and he rejected her because she was "unclean". Another, I can't remember the movie, but I'm pretty sure I watched the TV version of a movie... and the girl is in the bathtub after being raped... scrubbing herself to try to get rid of the "filth". Her mother calls her "spoiled". I was called spoiled all the time as a child. I looked to my mom and mom answered my unasked question, saying that "people aren't calling you spoiled like that... but, I guess they could."

To feel that way, and yet project ourselves as though we are "worthy" and not more vulnerable than anyone else... perhaps even more confident than others and so less of a target... leads to this dichotomy?... where inside we know we are spoiled, dirty and we are only fooling the world to protect ourselves from further abuse.

So, what we do, because we are good, decent, honest people, is...we will admit that we are not what we seem to those people we begin to care about before they get so attached that they feel like we "bait and switched" on them. We're not fooling ourselves. Only outsiders. And, we're only doing that so we can protect ourselves.

As if we could be the decent, caring, confident people we are... and not be broken, hurting, angry, confused victims of child sexual abuse as well. Or, more like... it's this belief that we're spoiled, ruined, dirty, disgraceful and we don't want to get that on anyone we love.

Correct me if I'm wrong about this @Junebug. It may just be the way I've felt and sometimes still feel.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I'm shaking after watching this. So much he spoke about I could relate to. The constricted perception, the thoughts about I am not good enough, smart enough, not enough. The loss of the instinctual voice of hope. That it will no longer hurt. Why hang on for 1 more day? My voice of hope is my kids. If I did not have them but even then on some days your perception collapses but my voice of hope is still there but if I lose that then nothing would work.

 

[Muzikluvr]

the thoughts about I am not good enough, smart enough, not enough.

You are not alone in feeling like you're not good enough or smart enough... or not enough in any other way. Many people in our society feel that way, people who have never been through trauma. Our media shows us images of women who have been created to look different than they are, as if they weren't beautiful enough already.

People are going into debt to have bigger and better, to fulfill some hole they feel in their lives or to feel good enough to be friends with the people they admire...

We feel "not good enough" and then we eat or drink or shop to try to feel worthy for a moment in time.

The real "good enough" feeling comes from feeling connected to others. But, when others have exploited your vulnerability, it's an uphill battle to allow people to connect with you (at least that's my experience). How do you connect with people when you don't know who to trust? How do you connect with people when you "hate" people, because they're often petty and vindictive, selfish and self-serving? Gossips, and "corporate" ladder climbers (even people who aren't climbing anything so grandiose... still using the same backstabbing tactics to get ahead). How do you connect with people when you know many are that untrustworthy?

Do you know what I mean? I don't think people have to experience trauma in order to feel this way about other people, but those of us who have been traumatized by other people and sabotaged when we've tried to speak out against those people... surely struggle with connecting with others a great deal more. And, to know that it is a problem that most people face in society, really kind of puts an exclamation point on what I've experienced... and validates why I describe myself as agoraphobic.

Connecting with others not only fills the void, expands our perception to include more choices over suicide, but it also empowers us to be ourselves... even though, it seems like the opposite would be true! Honestly, I live my real life alone and disconnected from the people in my family and my community, terrified that they will reject me if they know much about me. (My own family has already done that several times before... but I'm actually speaking of my husband's family now). I just don't think I could handle being ostracized by my community again. So, I hide myself. My flaws. My shame. My victimization... I hide my own beliefs and values for fear they still too closely identify with the abuse cycle. But, what I know inside is that IF I were to share all that I am and all that I want to be with others... I would attract to me like minded people and people who respect what I am willing to say and stand for. I would lose some people in my life, but as I don't really have much of a connection with anyone right now... what loss would they be in the face of gaining such acceptance among others for being ME?

And, that is empowering. That being myself, might be the key to saving my life, and strengthening my relationship with people who really care about me.