Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[maryiscontrary]

Wow you guys basically wrote my script. After being the receptacle of the toxic waste crap of my family, after I cared for many of them, and made the difficult choices at end of life care, I had enough and cut them out, as well as a lot of toxic relationships. You guys are right, it is a process, and the agony of this was the component of flashback and night mares for over a year.

But now that I have decided to leave the US, I will finally make that final cut. Man life has been so much better. I recently read that you "are" roughly the average of the closest 5 people around you. Don't know how accurate this is, but it seem to hold water. Ugly people will bring you down and keep you sick.

But once a person makes iron clad boundaries and only keeps company with people who process empathy and integrity correctly, life instantly, and I do mean that, turns completely around.

 

[Ev1heart]

I will be watching this thread as I have just had the brutal realization about my family. I should have moved to the other side of the world many, many years ago. As I start to build a life of my own, alone, it is my hope that by being on this board will be a comfort and a knowing that people whom have moved toward before me, understand. Blessings to you all, Ev

 

[Philippa]

Looking back at this thread, it still helps me to read some of the posts.

I have been struggling a fair bit lately, especially with the silly season just passing. Xmas was really hard. I was very sad for most of the day and cried a lot, cuddled up to the cat I've been minding for a few months now, and just ate porridge as comfort food and did my best to pull myself up with comedy and good music.

I've also been experiencing hearing nasty things in my head from my mother. Stuff like "You were a burden" and 'I can't be bothered with you", which is something she told my brother knowing full well he'd come and tell me deliberately to hurt me, and punish me. Does anyone hear messages like this in their minds?

I'm feeling really crap at the moment. Started my menses cycle this morning and just been in tears on and off. the cat has been tremendous help but I'm craving attention and friends and cuddles and feel so restless, and like I need to be doing more than just sitting around on the computer. I didn't even go out on new years. I intended to but got home from work and just didn't feel like it after an hour. I'm not that into drinking and crowds don't do much for me. Still, I wanted to celebrate but ended up having a kinda boring night...which sent me into a spiral about boring myself.

The process, as someone pointed out here earlier, of cutting ties with family has been such a painful one, and the guilt has really been getting to me in the last month especially. I did a little ritual that someone offered where I painted my guilt as a symbol and then let it dissolve in a container of water overnight. I burnt the paper once it had dried a few days later, so it is all but gone now and it helped a little, though didn't really feel like i had tapped into the guilt when I was drawing it, so not sure if I need to try it again?

I have found a really supportive group called E-stranged that have helped immensely and it was great to know I could go there on xmas day and feel not so alone.

 

[ms spock]

I have found a really supportive group called E-stranged that have helped immensely and it was great to know I could go there on xmas day and feel not so alone.

That was smart going Phillipa.

 

[ms spock]

I've also been experiencing hearing nasty things in my head from my mother. Stuff like "You were a burden" and 'I can't be bothered with you", which is something she told my brother knowing full well he'd come and tell me deliberately to hurt me, and punish me. Does anyone hear messages like this in their minds?

Yes I keep getting it as intrusive thoughts over and over.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Ms Spock. It really helps to know someone else gets these thoughts intruding as well. It's not pleasant at all. My dreams with my mother are always quite violent and volatile, and full of hate from both sides. They come every so often, not all the time thank goodness.

 

[ms spock]

@Philippa I am glad they are not all the time.

What type of disputing of the thoughts are you doing? Have you written them out? Can you read them out and look into the mirror at the same time?

If you are unable to dispute the thoughts then what self soothing and self care things are you doing afterwards to restore yourself?

What are you going to put into place to get those really hardwired and deep seated needs to get that family fix. Would going to a cafe and ordering a cup of tea and chatting to a waitress briefly or other patrons - would that help you get a feeling of connection? It is a simple one that I use.

I am sure other people would have other ones, but one that is meaningful to you would be nice to soothe yourself with.

In my theoretical world I believe it is important to tend to your heart and soul in small and meaningful ways. I look forward to developing those skills and putting them in to practice.

 

[Philippa]

I did have the opportunity the other day to go to a cafe and though I didn't really chat to the waitress, prior to going into the cafe, a man approached me in the street and complimented me for having nice legs. He wasn't being sleazy about it, in fact he even laughed at the fact that a woman standing at the crosswalk was also checking my legs out. :D

I like things like that happening because it gives me the chance to take the compliment for what it was...an acknowledgement that I have nice legs, and that's it. Men are visual creatures and if they take the time to say something nice to me, I can hardly turn around and bark in their face for being a man, can I? I think many women have trouble taking a genuine compliment, and have even more trouble saying nice things about themselves, to themselves.

I do have nice legs, so that is something i am proud of...that I can take a compliment without getting all funny about it.

He did then start waffling on about pretty much nothing and it got a bit boring. Then he asked if he could sit with me and just talk while I ate? I guess he was lonely. I said no thanks, I just wanted to be on my own. He left me alone.

So, I guess being able to take his compliment, and also say no to his request was two ways in which I have grown and am able to receive but also assert my own needs without putting someone elses first. That is self-care I think.

As far as disputing the thoughts...I seem to just retaliate in my head and say stuff like "Well, I can't be bothered with you either" and "I was sick...what sort of mother says that to her sick daughter? You have no heart, and all you think about is yourself." which doesn't really leave me feeling very good, but at least I feel like I've stood up to her...at least in my head.

Then I will say something like "I am worth bothering about, and if she can't see that then I am glad I am surrounded by people who agree with me, and do bother with me".

 

[Philippa]

On the E-stranged page I joined, it's been very interesting as two women whose kids have estranged from them, seem genuinely open to building a better relationship with their daughter and son. One woman today posted that she admits that she did not handle her daughters anger very well and ignored her and admitted that the silent treatment is just a passive-aggressive cowardly way of not dealing with anger.

I was blown away...I related so much to her daughter. If only my own mother would pull her head out of the sand and have the balls to admit to that. I was filled with mixed feelings...a tiny ray of hope, followed by attempts to squelch that hope in case it never happens for me, and tears and a bit of envy I suppose.

That's all I really wanted...to be seen AND heard by both my parents, for who I really am, not just the image they have of who they want me to be in their heads.

It was pretty powerful.

I'm not open to that with my own parents though. I have blocked them all now. They don't have any way of reaching me unless I choose to unblock them. I feel that my mother has decided it's all too much trouble, and my provider is still stuck in his delusion that he has authority over me (being the parent) and is stuck in all his 'shoulds' of how I 'should' behave. there can be no progress with that attitude. They don't really want to do the hard work...at least that is what I think.

They have both eroded my trust so much by now that I just am not willing to give them another chance to stick another knife in me. How can they have the chance to earn that trust back if I don't let them in...but how can I let them in when they've proved so many times they don't deserve my trust?

 

[maddog]

Philippa, and everyone else out here reading this thread. I wish I was in a space to contribute more to this right now, as it is enormously painfully relevant in my life, which is part of why I'm just not in that space I suppose. I hope that it's an evolutionary thing, and that some time soon writing and sharing on the topic will be what I need and what will help me.

But just in short, I relate deeply with the repetition of intrusive messages and their sometimes debilitating effect. The voices of my parents are burned so deeply into my brain that sometimes they feel like my entire internal identity. My parents also use my siblings, to this day, to transmit toxic messages to me so that the messages are both old and repeatedly new/reinforced, so I can relate to your recent experience with your brother Philippa.

I try very, very hard to counter these messages with the messages from the supportive people in my life. Sometimes it's like a screaming match in my head as I struggle to make their voices louder and stronger than those of my family. It's hard... but it's worth the fight I think. I am a true believer that where the damage is so deeply done in the context of relationships, it must also be addressed and healed in the context of relationships.

I hope to come back here soon, and in the meantime, am thinking of all those who struggle with the endless clutches of toxic family. I think i'll check out the e-stranged page too...

Maddog

 

[Philippa]

Yes, please do check out E-stranged. It has helped me a lot, and fiona posts some very thought provoking blogs. She is also on facebook, though I think the group may be set to secret at this stage, as there was some nervousness that peoples parents or family members would be able to read peoples comments there. Maybe see if you can get in though?

Fiona is great and encourages critical thinking and breaking down cliches that can be destructive. It's been interesting so far to be onboard with them. Coming from a therapy background, and having her own issues with estrangement from her family, she is very understanding.

The comment about siblings being used to get to you is one of the main reasons I cut off both my brothers, though I would have with one of them anyway as he was just getting more and more abusive as time went by and it became increasingly unpleasant to interact with him in any capacity.

But mainly I did because I was already seeing evidence of both my parents using them to turn against me in a sense. Divide and conquer was employed and I inevitably ended up looking like the atrocious one.

Hope you feel better soon Maddog.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Through the years our toxic family has never really been in contact. Everyone scattered. There was a point I tried to encourage my sister to seek therapy. (She has 5 children.)She used homeless shelters as motels. She deserves her miserable life. The last time I saw my older brother he tried to burn my house down. Why? He got caught sleeping with my younger brothers wife. My younger brother cut him out of his life so he decides to burn my house down. He's an idiot. Any encounter was drama filled. NoThankYouVeryMuch. However I've been strict no contact for10yrs. (Longer for some members.) I simply stopped answering the phone. It took mommy dearest months to notice. That's very telling. :) Best 10 yrs of my life. In hindsight I mentally detached at 8yrs old. The mind is a beautiful thing its been protecting me all these years. It's a double edge sword tho. It's beyond freeing to finally fully understand my childhood. And horrific at the same time. The good news is I can finally fully heal. That trumps the abuse I endured. I will beat this. It has nothing to do with them anymore.....God speed to everyone here. :)