Supporter Husband Of Wife With Ptsd

[mywifestrigger]

This is two days prior to our 37th wedding anniversary. My wife suffers with PTSD. She was diagnosed with PTSD 7 years ago. Prior to that, she was first diagnosed with manic depression. Prior to that she was diagnosed with depression. She blames me for ALL of her unhappiness even though she was abused by her sister from infantcy through 14+ years.

 

[JadedGhost13]

Please do not take it to heart too much when she blames you, I am a female, and a sufferer and there in the past were times when I would blame my spouse for a lot of my issues. Just keep encouraging her to get help to work through her issues an offer to be by her side in that effort, go to some therapy session with her. I wish you the best of luck. There are days I don't like living with myself so I know my spouse probably feels the same way! LOL

 

[mywifestrigger]

Thanks.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Purchasing some marriage building books and reading them with her will help, but not from the standpoint of "fixing her". It should be from the standpoint of learning how to manage relationship conflicts, scheduling date nights, times to listen to each other, etc together.

When my husband and I did that, it grounded me and I was able to separate him from my abuser over time with consistency. It was a lot of fun too because it really helped in the intimacy department.

Also, learning everything you can about PTSD from her side and from the side of a supporter, you, will help.

Is your wife in any form of counseling for PTSD? My husband was my trigger for 2.5 years or so. Seeing your post reminds me of how he felt and reminds me how much he must love me lol Hang in there. It does get better with work and consistency.

Congratulations on your anniversary! Wow, 37 years?! That's awesome!

 

[Britt.f7]

You don't have to accept that. I wouldn't want my spouse to. It isn't fair and it isn't right. Know that it is coming from a bad place that doesn't include you, but you can tell her that it isn't acceptable to take it out on you. Of course, this may not go over very well in the beginning. Not after taking it for so many years.

I get that she is hurting, but that doesn't give her carte blanche. Please, take care of yourself too. That isn't being a bad supporter, that is being a good supporter. My husband has, at times, given in to my behavior, but it has only made me angrier. At him, at me. There is one time in the beginning of our marriage when he told me he wasn't going to treat me badly just because that was what I was familiar with. That has stuck in my mind for the 20 years we've been together. He never deviated from that.

Good luck and congratulations on being married so long!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so sorry. I'm the child of a mother who blamed her husband (my father) for all the unhappiness in her life. My mother is incapable of taking responsibility for anything (and I really do mean anything), and my father reached his breaking point after 40 years together. They are now in the middle of a divorce.

I urge you to urge her to get help. Couples counseling is advisable as well. It's abusive to constantly blame someone else for your own unhappiness. (I don't share the seemingly lighthearted view of other sufferers who simply say not to take her seriously.)

If she won't get help, then I wish you all the strength in the world. I've seen how destructive this behavior can be.

 

[JadedGhost13]

I've read every message and I don't see anyone saying not to take her seriously. Most likely you are referring to my post and twisting my words. And if that is the fact, then re-evaluate the words. It was stated to not take the blaming to heart.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum! :)

I don't see anyone saying not to take her seriously.

As sufferers, we must realize that our actions can hurt others, have consequences and we have to be responsible for them.

 

[ms spock]

You are not doing her any favours by taking her abusive behaviour. In fact you are enabling her and helping her stay stuck. (Not what you meant to do at all. I know.)

Get therapy for yourself to work out strategies for dealing with her.

 

[mywifestrigger]

My wife introduced me to this site this morning. She introduced me to this site to convince me that she does in fact have PTSD. So ok. We have been to marriage counseling. Great marriage counseling. My wife blames me for everything bad that has ever gone wrong in our lives.

The PTSD gives her an incredible memory. She remembers every thing I have ever done wrong. I mean everything. And when she enters in to a rant, she reminds me of everything I have ever done.
She remembers on our honeymoon, when we were very young mistakes I made 37 years in two days.
Just now she told me she wants to divorce me.

I love my wife more than life. It is so difficult to separate the person of my wife that I love, from the demon of PTSD.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Sorry for your pain. Only you and your wife know the details of what is going on. Only the two of you know the conflicts that you've had and the details of the mistakes that each of you have made. Just know that you aren't alone. You already know how hard marriage is. And dealing with PTSD makes it harder.

Does your wife see her own counselor? Do you see your own?

Also, you said you have been to great marriage counseling? What happened to that?

Yes. You love your wife. That's wonderful. Like others here have said, you need to take care of you too. What is your plan to cope with this situation? Do the two of you have a plan/rules?

 

[mywifestrigger]

My wife has surrounded herself with counselors that tell her she is enabling me. Of the 37 years that we have been married, we shared life by me being the one to make the income, and she poured her life into raising our children. We have great children. She blessed them so much by being with them.

Two years ago, a mass was found in one of her breasts. She decided that she wanted to have a total radical mastectomy. She went cold turkey, immediately off of all of her hormone replacement therapy. She never went back on her HRT Rx.

Pathology found that she had cancer in two different areas, however, because of the radical mastectomy, the cancer was contained and she did not require chemo or radiation.

However, she exhibited horrible treatment of me. I am not saying woe is me. It is just the facts. She totally treated me like refuse, so I worked just to cope with her rejection. Now, in her revisionist memory, she says I was not there for her.

I have made many mistakes. For example, when she was recovering from the double mastectomy, I went with my son for two hours to be with him while he was meeting with an attorney. He wanted me to be with him. I called a friend of my wife's to stay with her for the two hours, but that was a mistake. I should have never left her. Because now and every day since I left her for those two hours she blames me for not being there for her. Leaving her for those two hours. She "reminds" me daily how I have fail her and not been there for her.

I am unemployed now for the first time in 15 years. I have been looking for a job for 21 days. She cries, rants, screams at me for not providing for her. This is the PTSD demon. I had an interview and was second place 2 days after not having a job. (I applied for the job two months ago) I had another interview today. I think I many get the job for us.

How does my wife respond? Does she offer any encouragement? No. She tells me she is going to file for divorce because I am not providing for her.