My T Says It Has To Do With My Mother

[Abby]

My T said my not feeling autonomous and being scared of obligations (in terms of appointments), because I feel like I belong to the person I have an appointment with, has to do with an issue I´ve had with my mother before I was 3 years old.

It might be true, I have little memory of before I was 3 years old.

Can´t it be simply a PTSD related thing? Because in traumatic situations, you aren´t autonomous either, have no control and all power is taken away... But I don´t know...?

I did not have that issue before my PTSD related situation.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I presume there's reason(s) why your T thinks that it's to do with your mother and you obviously have at least one reason you don't. Forgive me if you've mentioned this elsewhere on the forum but what issue did you have with your mother - or is your T saying you had an issue but you have no recollection of it, if yes, what would have given her this impression?

Because in traumatic situations, you aren´t autonomous either, have no control and all power is taken away...

I would agree with this entirely (obviously depending on the situation, although I'm struggling to think of ones that don't).

I did not have that issue before my PTSD related situation.

Does your T know this?

How long have you been seeing this therapist and do they specialise in trauma?

 

[arfie]

I was born into the circumstances which caused my cPTSD, so I am functionally ignorant of the before and after phenom, but it seems to me stress in general, post-traumatic or otherwise, has a way of showing the cracks in the personal system. Traits that are not a problem under normal circumstances can grow into problems under duress. What works at 20 be a problem at 40. Etc., etc.

But your therapist is definitely the person to ask. Context is everything and the context is all hers.

 

[Hashi]

I did not have that issue before my PTSD related situation.

I'm a bit confused. Do you mean you didn't have an issue before an event when you were an adult, which caused your PTSD?

I'm thinking it must be only as an adult that you've had appointments, not before you were three. If so, are you asking about your therapist attributing this to something before you were three, when you've only noticed it starting at some point of being an adult?

I don't know if you'd like to say a bit more about the context, or would prefer not to. I'm afraid It's a bit hard to understand.

 

[Abby]

thank you for your answers!

I presume there's reason(s) why your T thinks that it's to do with your mother and you obviously have at least one reason you don't. Forgive me if you've mentioned this elsewhere on the forum but what issue did you have with your mother - or is your T saying you had an issue but you have no recollection of it, if yes, what would have given her this impression?

Well, you´re right. I do have issues with my mother. More than one actually. My mother´s an alcoholic. I think when I was younger, she didn´t want me to grow older and always treated me like I was a lot younger than I really was. I sensed that and acted that way as I felt she wanted me to. She was somehow both, controlling and neglecting, not sure how to describe it.

Anyway, I feel that even though this could have been damaging for me, I don´t see how it could have had these huge impacts on me, much later in life, at 22, 23.. when before I was doing fine with obligations and appointments, many actually. I was always a very active and determined person.

It would make more sense to me that something huge (like trauma) would bring upon such huge difficulties for me (like not even being able to make simple appointments, making plans and feeling enough autonomy to not get crazy over them).

Yes, my T knows that this has not been an issue since before my father died.
For me it´s a huge before/after situation. Not like I was doing "perfectly" before, I think I´ve always had some social anxiety but really, it didn´t keep me from going forward in life at all.

My therapist does not specialice in trauma, but eating disorders, which I´ve had too, but also after my traumatic situation.

 

[Abby]

post-traumatic or otherwise, has a way of showing the cracks in the personal system. Traits that are not a problem under normal circumstances can grow into problems under duress.

arfie, I think you´re right, too. I keep forgetting that. I´ve noticed at times when I´m more relaxed things seem less stressful or difficult for me and in times of big stress, more things that were managable a week ago, become difficult.
Good point.

 

[Abby]

If so, are you asking about your therapist attributing this to something before you were three, when you've only noticed it starting at some point of being an adult?

Yes, exactly. I didn´t have appointments at 3 ;). No, this only started about 2 and a half years ago. I´ve had an eating disorder for about a year or so before that.

It started 2 and half year ago, got better, but somehow it has gotten a lot worse suddenly at the beginning of December 2013. I have no idea why...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I know for me, not feeling autonomous has everything to do with my lack of trust in people with PTSD after a very traumatic experience. Like you, there is a huge difference between who I was then vs who I am now.

My old T was not experienced with trauma and would try to connect everything I was experiencing in the present to my childhood. It never felt like it fit, but I thought that maybe she knew better. Over time, not being able to function and having no coping skills became more important to me than talking about my childhood. The need to establish grounding and coping skills with a T who is experienced in trauma so I can process the even which caused the PTSD became obvious.

I am learning around here on these forums that trauma is a whole can of worms that requires specific specialty in it to have the best chance of recovering.

 

[Hashi]

I have to agree with @StrongerNow. A trauma therapist is going to have a different approach and understanding than a general therapist or one with a different specialty.

I can't help wondering if focussing on your very early relationship with your mother is typical of eating disorder therapy. Of course that early relationship will have had an impact on you generally, and might have had an influence on later trauma, but I think that's still needs to be seen within the whole context of trauma. Especially with an issue that dates from adult trauma.

It's tricky if a therapist doesn't specialise in trauma.

 

[Abby]

My old T was not experienced with trauma and would try to connect everything I was experiencing in the present to my childhood. It never felt like it fit, but I thought that maybe she knew better.

thanks for your reply, StrongerNow, this is how I feel.

Hashi, I was thinking the same thing right from the beginning, but I was very very insecure and unsure and confused about everything, so I thought "who am I to know?"

Right in our first session I remember telling her about my difficulties and I said that, even though it lies already 3 years back, I feel somehow that this still has to do with the death of my father.

She brought the conversation to my mother, which I did not expect to talk about, but I still had a lot to talk about her, too.

In the end she said: "it looks like your eating disorder has a lot to do with your mother"
And I said "I never would have expected that" And she said "I wouldn´t have either, but that´s how you just told me".

For one thing, I have read a lot about psychological illnesses and also eating disorders, and I know that most of the cases go back to the mother/parents, especially in "typical" cases, where the eating disorder develops in times of puberty, so I don´t really believe her "not having expected it"...

For me though, it was different. I developed the eating disorder at 21 and within 6 months after my father´s death.

I´m sure, that I wouldn´t have done that, if it hadn´t been for this life changing event and all the things that came with it.

Yes, it´s a complicated thing really... :/

I´ve been thinking about getting a second opinion from a trauma specialist, but I´d feel like that would be cheating on my current therapist.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Why do you feel like that would be "cheating"? The feeling is valid. I was just curious why you think you feel that way.

There is literature about the complications of untreated PTSD. According to the Mayo Clinic online, eating disorders can be one of them. I am no doctor, but I ate food my whole life. I even ate well during my trauma 3 years ago.

I saw a T who wasn't experienced in trauma and PTSD for the last 3 years and now, I go all day without eating. I switch between not eating and binge eating at night.

For me personally, I definitely know my issue stems from the trauma. It's a form of control and also, I have recently been able to become aware of how it keeps the cycle of betrayal going. There was a lot of betrayal in my trauma and a lot of feeling helpless, powerless and out of control. The eating disorder that stems from that sets me up to control and betray myself at the same time.

This eating issue is just one of the reasons I have recently made a switch in my recovery from someone who isn't experienced in trauma and PTSD to people that are. When I read the issues that result from untreated PTSD, it was compelling enough for me to do what I have to do to ensure I will recover.

Now that I've finally escaped the betrayal of others, I have relinquished that role to myself. And that's not why I'm here.

Trauma from the loss of a loved one can translate as betrayal, abandonment, powerlessness, helplessness, etc.

That's not why you're here either. That's not why any of us are . . . here. I hope you will be able to sift through this and find an experienced team of people to teach you the skills you most need after such a horrible experience. Big hugs to you!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think what sticks out to me is your concern over not having memories from below age 3. Well, the truth is that most of us don't have memories from back that far, and if we do, it is oftentimes only one or two memories. What I am trying to say is that not having memories from your first few years of life isn't proof of anything.

I think that maybe you'd be better off with a therapist who focuses on the here and now because this is what will give you a sense of power and control over your healing. Yes, it's nice to be able to know the root of your issues, but if it is just a guess, such as pointing to issues with your mom as a toddler, I don't see a huge benefit to this.