My T Says It Has To Do With My Mother

[Abstract]

A lot of trauma therapists are also specialists in eating disorders as the two are so often linked. Many who experience trauma will develop an eating disorder. Often, for certain specific reasons, with sexual trauma but with any trauma and PTSD.

There are lots of reasons for that and many of them have nothing to do with anyone's pre 3 year old years or necessarily their mother. There are those who have very similar experiences to yours where they have a trauma as an adult and develop an ED after that.

One of the things I do think trauma can show up is the chinks in our parenting and the chinks in how we have dealt with life or people. But that doesn't mean that the trauma itself is not still the most important factor. Strongernow hit on some points and there are many, many more.

I wonder if your t is indirectly referring to something psychologists call The Mother. That relates directly to ones mother but it is also the internalised concept of what our mothers should give us. What we end up needing to do for ourselves. What she said makes me wonder if she is psychodymanic. As much as psychodynamic therapy has been useful to me I do have questions as suspect certain problems can arise with it when it is used by itself for trauma.

There may be stuff that you need to work through about your mother - such as separating your identity - and it may be a factor in why you are reacting to appointments now in the way you are but it sounds very unlikely that it would be more than a tiny factor compared to the big one - your trauma.

Some of getting over your ED is going to be about upping your coping mechanisms and getting used to doing them again and again and again when you need to rather than behaviours. That and facing emotions and not hiding from them. All sorts of thoughts and emotions about trauma can hide themselves in ED behaviours. My ED was so entwined with my trauma that I couldn't prise them apart easily. Being able to avoid using one to deal with the other involves an enormous amount of processing on certain levels. Mine was for almost 30 years but I think this is still worth considering for you.

I worry that this T is ignoring important material and because she does not fully understand trauma.

 

[Abby]

I´m sorry it took me so long to reply. I was overwhelmed the couple of days ago and needed a break from all things concerning my inside...

Why do you feel like that would be "cheating"? The feeling is valid. I was just curious why you think you feel that way.

Hm, I think my T has done a lot for me in the past, even if it wasn´t really trauma related or much of trauma therapy, I think she still helped me a big deal and I don´t want to be "ungratefull" and go behind her back to someone "better".
She is very nice and I feel that she "cares" for "real" not because it´s her job and i find that this is rare in therapists.
I wouldn´t want to lose that. If she found out for some reason I went to somebody else, maybe she would be mad and if I wasn´t sure the new T would be better, I wouldn´t want to end up with no T at all..

I hope you will be able to sift through this and find an experienced team of people to teach you the skills you most need after such a horrible experience. Big hugs to you

Thanks for this, StrongerNow!

What I am trying to say is that not having memories from your first few years of life isn't proof of anything.

O, yes, yes. No I didn´t mean it that because I don´t have memories before I was 3 that there must have been something very wrong.
I just mean that since I don´t remember much, I wouldn´t know if there was anything "bad" with my mother or if things were fine. I just don´t know, since I don´t remember.

therapist who focuses on the here and now because this is what will give you a sense of power and control over your healing.

Exactly. This is what sort of bothers me with the approach. Even if it was true and there were things not right before I was 3, there´s really nothing I can do about it now. And I don´t see how going into it will help me feel better in the now.

psychologists call The Mother. That relates directly to ones mother but it is also the internalised concept of what our mothers should give us. What we end up needing to do for ourselves.

I don´t really know, but it sounds very much like me T. Because she´s always always asking about "what would i have needed at that age" and about symbolically giving it to the younger me.

and it may be a factor in why you are reacting to appointments now in the way you are but it sounds very unlikely that it would be more than a tiny factor compared to the big one - your trauma.

Yes, this is what I was thinking. Because I feel that I would have problems BEFORE the trauma had it been really so connected to my early childhood. Not suddenly after.

It all really happened in a huge wave. I was doing fine before and then after there was the eating disorder and when I was able to get out of that, there was a phase of hypochondria and somatic issues and then there was intense anxiety (like the one with appointments).

I was functioning before and then all of a sudden, I fell apart I didn´t "work" as in function anymore. I felt like the world had turned upside down and that I was living in a different world that had nothing to do with the previous, known, world from before.
I also felt like a stranger to myself, I didn´t feel like the same person but someone "new"

Yes, a lot of therapists I´ve been to, I feel, did not understand and where bringing my current issues back to my childhood.
They knew my father had died but I think they just saw it as part of my history, not a key moment. That frustrated me a lot and I felt they didn´t understand. And they didn´t understand or see the "hugeness" of it. The weird thing is, I didn´t understand that myself consciously so I never brang it up myself. I was just very very confused and I still am.

I was seeing a trauma therapist once and with her I immediately felt like she understood and she knew what she was doing. What she suggested doing seemed "right" to me. Unfortunately her way of speaking and acting was very direct and I didn´t feel comfortable with her personally.

I then ended up with my current therapist, who was warm and friendly and I felt very safe with her and that is why I stayed.

 

[Abstract]

I don´t want to be "ungratefull" and go behind her back to someone "better".

I think you have a lot of work to do on this type of thinking. That isn't a judgement. Many people here have problems with taking responsibility for others feelings as we have often been trained to do so.

Your t cares about you and is a professional. It's not a love relationship where you will be betraying her and is rather about you employing the person that is most going to help you. You wouldn't be going behind her back either. You would just be thanking her for all she has done and say that you think you are ready for a different phase of therapy and need a different type of therapy.

Finding a personal fit is a different matter and you can see a few trauma t's before you decide who feels right. I find the ones that work exclusively with CBT are the ones that are bit direct and challenging in a way that isn't helpful to me.

This t may feel comfortable and you may be afraid of leaving the security of it but I think you will remain stuck until you get someone suitable. I hope you find the courage to do so.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I felt a little like that leaving my T. I realized that most of it was because she didn't challenge me past a certain point. She didn't teach me coping skills. That became my comfort zone.

Having a blank canvas worked wonderfully for a time, but after a certain period of time, I felt stuck. Personally, I began to need to function and get back out there. My psychodynamic T was only concerned with mirroring my experience and never giving me homework.

There was nothing wrong with her. That was just the type of counseling she offered. For me, staying with her was a mask for avoidance at some point. So, I called her and told her I am going to try a different form of therapy. I told her I needed either CBT or DBT to learn skills to function. She was completely understanding of that. She told me that if I ever needed her again in the future, her door was always open. She explained that lots of people like having that option for the future if they just need a blank canvas for certain life events (raising kids, etc.). Normal stressors.

I was sad. I was sad but I knew that was normal. No longer did I think that feeling sad meant she would be mad at me. By the way, my feelings mostly were that I feared she would feel like she failed me. Also, I discovered that my feelings about leaving were directly related to how I felt about my own mother. She didn't mother me in a way that I felt a sense of self, etc. I had the same feelings about leaving my T as I did about leaving my own mom. I saw my T as a mother. In a sense, she did mother me until I could learn to mother myself.

I decided that she is her own person, she has her own team row boat in life, and even though she might feel sad, it is all a part of the processes of life. It's normal. Spending 3 years inside someone else's head and providing a safe and trusting relationship.....leaving that....would cause some grief. There is a process of grief in a lot of things in life. I'm sure all of the schooling that she has done and all the experience that she has will help her through that.

Then I realized going through that thought process helped me discover that the same can apply to me. I decided to sit down and write her a thank you letter. I put all of the things in there that I've accomplished in her office in a 3 year period. I wrote it with the perspective in mind that I am an adult now. I'm not a child anymore. Meaning, I'm not inferior to her. This is how I could maybe extend a hand back to her and let her know how grateful I am. And because I know how awesome she is, I know my message would come across that way.

When we are kids....well, at least for me, I learned that every relationship was important, but I didn't learn that not every relationship has to be forever and that when relationships become harmful--albeit subconsciously in the case of a T (a comfort zone, a way to stay stuck, etc), one should select another more suitable one. People come and go in our lives for different reasons. Some we learn from, some we grow with, and some help us. We do the same for others. It's all just a part of life, but not everyone is meant to stay and that is so okay.

This is just my experience though. I found it was just better to talk to my T and let her know how I was feeling. My old T did say that it was possible that I didn't trust her with processing my 2008-2011 trauma and that it is very normal. I chewed on that thought for a time. I thought maybe she was right. Maybe I was resisting.

After awhile, I decided that it was just her opinion. It's not that I didn't trust her. I just decided that I needed a process that teaches me coping skills. I learned from other sufferers who said they have made remarkable headway in recovery by going to a T who is experienced specifically in their condition--trauma and PTSD. My decision had nothing to do with trust.

 

[Steamy Creamy Whirl]

Hi Abby,

I am thinking of poet Laureate Philip Larkin's poem, I hope this rather overly conservative site allows his poetic language:

“They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.”

I have just realised that Larkin must have suffered CPTSD himself, he wrote "selfs the man" too, where he talks about being alone and not having kids. Abby, you said that your mother is an alcoholic, so probably has a lot of issues of her own, even Philip Larkin knew how parents pass their issues down to their children, my mother suffered severe depression, and here I am the same. The german psychologist alice Miller wrote some good books about the mechanism of handing down these traumas. One of the problems with CPTSD is that we often are unable to remember the full extent what was done to us.Much of it can just be down to constantly rejecting our need for love or constantly reinforcing our insecurities. We just have the problems and have to spend our lives unraveling those mysteries.

I think most eating disorders stem from CPTSD, most childhood trauma is cumulative, unlike a lot of PTSD which comes from one off experiences, hence why its called complex, but many therapists who deal with eating disorders must be aware of its link with CPTSD, it is worth chatting with your therapist about it before you change to another, you sound a bit like you are fairly new into therapy.