Need Help Making A Major Life Decision

[anonymous]

I am in a formation program to be a Catholic Sister (nun). I am pretty far along. Right now, I renew my vows annually, but in a few years, my religious community and I will decide if I am ready for final vows, in which I would be a Sister (nun) for life.

Overall, I am very happy as a Sister. It gives me a great sense of joy and peace and I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of others. My only reservation is that I was molested by my father. I have a healthy sexuality. I am sexually attracted to men and I deal with it in the same way other celibates do: by turning it into an expression of love for God and others, by talking about it, and by exercising.

I have one reservation though, and this is what I am asking you all about: I am creeped out by the fact that I will die knowing that my father is the only one who will have done sexual things to me. He will always be the only person to have given me sexual pleasure. Because of this, I am considering leaving and getting married, but only so that I can have sex with someone who I love, who is safe, and who loves me. Yes, just for the sex.

Does this sound like a good reason to leave the convent, or should it be a better reason than this?

 

[gtpgurl]

I'm not sure how being a nun works, maybe you could leave for a little while to "experience life" and then rejoin?

 

[Starlightdreamer]

I'm Catholic. This is just my unqualified two cents but have you talked about this with your Spiritual Director? Your Confessor? The Mother Superior? Prayed? I can tell you being married is, at times, a crucifixion and sex is not a strong foundation to build an unbreakable lifelong bond on. Are you prepared to be a mother? To die to yourself for your children? Have you healed enough from your abuse to be a healthy parent? A healthy spouse? To love your spouse no matter what? Unconditionally? What if you get married, have your first night of sex and it's sucks? That's not a valid reason to try for an annulment. What if it triggers you? Not trying to burst your bubble, just trying to give you pause and food for thought. Really, you need to talk to your Spiritual Director, Confessor and Mother Superior. I'll be praying for you, for healing and wisdom to make the decision God wants you to make.

 

[The Albatross]

My childhood steady became a priest and ultimately ran off with an evangelical. His heart was with the church but his desires were more than what he could contain and ultimately he decided not to be a priest. (We were only childhood sweethearts, innocently, and I could have told him that.)

I am not Catholic (though there have been three in my past relationships) but I think if you have any reservations that you should consider too that the idea of getting married to a man who loves you just for the sex is also a skewed reason for getting married. I think if you entertain a healthy sexual appetite desires you might not want to do your final vows. I expect that annual vows were for a reason.

Sex ain't guaranteed when you're married. I can understand though why it would be important to you to experience it in a marital union versus what you experienced up to this point.

(forgive the multiple edits, apparently I can't spell or punctuate or even edit very well today.)

 

[anthony]

Any relationship built on sex, won't be a loving one. Sex is one part, of many parts, that are needed to maintain a loving relationship. Take one away, it falls down. Have too much of one and not enough of the others, it falls down. It's a constant balancing act.

 

[The Albatross]

Cross posted with Starlight Dreamer, and I concur. Being Baptist and now Presbyterian... I didn't have the correct terms to refer you to your advisers.

 

[The Albatross]

You do realize you're asking a PTSD forum to give you assistance with a major life decision right? What does this have to do with PTSD? What was your condition prior to entering the convent and what on self examination may have changed?

 

[Gryffy]

I'm with everyone else, marrying for sex is not a good idea. Marriage is about so much more, which I'm sure you know.

Just a general note- life experience is SO important and can't be undervalued. In order to be the best nun (or anything else) you can be, you need life experience, because it teaches you about yourself and about other people. If you're going to make a lifelong commitment, be it in marriage or your final vows, you need to be sure that that's what you want. Right now, if you're seriously considering leaving the convent because you haven't experienced something, it seems to me that you're not 100% what you want. And that's okay. That's what life is about- trial and error- so that eventually you will be prepared to make that decision. You need to grow first.



Full disclosure here: I am not Catholic and I believe that sexuality is an important part of who we are and our personal development, and that permanent celibacy is not a healthy thing. That is just my opinion and others are welcome to disagree.

Many young Catholics (including some of my friends) rush into marriage because they need to develop that sexual part of themselves, but with time they realize that maybe that person wasn't right for them after all. That is unquestionably unhealthy. I suspect that making a lifelong vow of celibacy without addressing this issue first will also have deeply unhealthy consequences in the long run.

My advice to you is to try dating for a while, and if you develop a loving and stable relationship with a man, explain your situation to him and be willing to have sex outside of marriage but ONLY when you feel ready to do so. If you were molested, it may take time to build up that level of trust and it's possible that it will take a few tries. And if you fall in love and want to get married, great! You can still find a career that will allow you to help people. If you feel that marriage isn't right for you and that being a nun is, that's also great! Do what feels right to you, but be informed and sure before you make the decision.

I don't know how much or little you agree with the church's position that sex outside of marriage is a sin. We are all sinners, and while we should try to sin as little as possible, but sometimes it is necessary to do so and then we ask forgiveness. I believe that God would rather you sin a little so that you can learn and grow and find your true place in his plan. The church's doctrine is supposed to guide you towards a happy and fulfilling life, but life is too complicated to always follow things by the book and expect them to work out.

 

[radicalgratitude]

Does this sound like a good reason to leave the convent, or should it be a better reason than this?

I think that by posting this question, you realize that there are much better reasons to leave the convent than sex. I would hope that you would marry for better reasons than that, too.

If sex is the only reason you'd get married then it sounds to me like it's not your "calling" to get married. Does anything else attract you to marriage besides sex?

Try journalling about it.

 

[bell]

Just a question that popped in my mind (please know that I am not trying to be offensive in any way)... Could you have gone into this way of life as a way to avoid dealing with sex?

 

[nursenurse]

I think if you have to ask this question, then you are neither ready for marriage to either a man or the Church. You need major spiritual direction one way or the other, and to get married just for sex goes against the very foundation of catholic teaching. You need to look into yourself. Have you been formally diagnosed with PTSD? Then you need to take this up also with your therapist. To me you have major unresolved issues that would not necessarily translate well into the religious or the secular life . I wish you good luck, and I will say a prayer for you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In life there are no guarantees. Yes, you could leave the church with the intent of finding a man to love you and give you great sex, but the truth is that you may not find the one. (Not trying to be a downer...There are a lot of us who are looking for a great guy, but sometimes the best laid plans....)

I think you need to take more time to think about it.