@
Ayesha , to me you've come across as:
Funny, interesting, intelligent, friendly and kind.
The evidence for this is from chat conversations we have had (and at least one you had with another member, where I felt grateful you had supported this person because I wasn't doing very well) and threads you have started/replies you have given.
I can see what @
Pencil is trying to get across. I think it's fine we all have different opinions, and should embrace that. Discussions are okay as long as we're not arguing or being mean to each other [it can be disheartening if this begins on threads].
I don't read a lot of diaries. I have a few on my watch list, and I dip in and out when I feel emotionally strong enough. I find reading them can be very helpful, but it can be harrowing at times. It's a balancing act knowing when it is safe to read others diaries sometimes. I will add you diary Ayesha [I feel like i have this added already? but maybe not], and come say hello from time to time.
I don't often distinguish between someone who is a moderator and someone who is a member. I'm more aware that I might be talking to a supporter, and make sure I don't post in their section because I did that once not realising and was reminded that it was a section for supporters [and my post came from a sufferer perspective, which wasn't what was being asked for].
To me, if someone is a moderator it means they put work into maintaining the forum rules, and that is all [not minimising the work, I bet it takes a lot of time and effort]. I don't feel that different chatting to moderators, the only time there is a difference is when someone steps into a thread
as a moderator, and then my reply might be to go and say thank you to them for stepping in.Having a moderator status attached doesn't affect my opinion of you, Ayesha.
I got tearful when I read about your friend dying of cancer. Then the story about the cruel "friends" inviting you to the party. Both of these resonate with me. Both of these things must have hurt you a lot.
My closest friend made me feel confident, she listened to me, I could completely be myself around her and I enjoyed her company so much. I could tell her anything, because I trusted her. She also liked me. If I needed her, I could call, and vice versa. After she was was murdered, I was surrounded by people who took advantage of me in a variety of ways. I lost all the friends who could have helped me get through the grief. For a long time I felt like I could never have a real connection with anyone again, not one that mattered. I walked around just existing. As if I had already died and my body was just too stubborn to let go. Horrible. Such an easy place to then be mislead and make ridiculous decisions and mistakes. *Shudder*.
Thankfully I found my partner, and I'm very happy to have a real connection with someone. I trust he will be there when I need him, and I will be there whenever he needs me. This however, isn't always enough, because having friends makes me feel better. It's nice to have someone you can call for a chat, or spend time with. I'm still an introvert, but I do like to be social now and again. However, I don't have very close friendships. It's only as time goes on that the few friendships I have are becoming more equal in terms of me being able to ask them to listen to me for a bit. Most of the time, I'm the listener.
I'm sad that you experienced the loss of your friend, and that you spent time comforting your mother, when maybe what you needed was to be comforted. I could be wrong in saying that, but that's the impression I get from reading that. It is okay to cry Ayesha, even though it sounds like you really don't want to allow yourself to do that.
I have experienced similar things to you Ayesha, in terms of the bullying behaviours [the term I think is appropriate when people play tricks on you/use you/make you feel bad about yourself] of other children/teenagers. It can be devastating to self-esteem. It's never too late to rebuild your self-esteem though. I think a lot of us are trying to do that on here, in my opinion.
I don't think it's pathetic to think
Please be my friend in your head either. You clearly want some friends and in time you will get them. I think these women just wouldn't talk to you if they didn't want to, and seeing as how they're making small talk with you and smile at you, it seems they're open to you chatting more to them. I think asking one of the women if you can sit next to them is a good start, maybe. Easier to ask if they want to go for lunch or a coffee after class one day. Good luck.
I have a lot to say about this, but I don't want to type too big a post [I always type too much]. I'll come back. I'm struggling to make friends on my course too (so far I have encountered two women I don't like, and have to find a way of approaching someone else in my class to chat with, or accepting that I'm a lone wolf), and I've been a bit worried recently at how my posts come across on here (again, I think this is the low self esteem/depression/stress influencing my thoughts), so
thank you very much for starting this thread.
