How Do You Make Friends?

[Deleted member 1860]

Funny, I don't see Ayesha as aloof at all. I always pictured her as very well liked with lots of friends on the forum.

I don't see any haughtiness either.

I've always seen you as very level headed. I know I don't interact with people on the forum outside of threads, but that alone makes me see you as someone going through some of the same struggles. You're returning to school this semester, as am I. You don't want kids. I don't either. Ok, maybe these are stupid examples but my point is that sometimes it just takes having one thing in common with someone in order to identify with them. Then striking up a conversation is a bit easier.

There is one person whom I've always thought was a cool forum member but never tried to be her friend. Her location was accidentally disclosed which isn't all that far from me, and in the interest of not freaking someone out, I sort of just ignore her on the forums now. I wish I knew how to navigate the friend thing better. I always come across as some sort of weirdo.

 

[Tinyflame]

No, I don't think you are at all @Solara , and I agree about @Ayesha , Ayesha you sound like you would be a wonderful and unique friend.

I don't think it matters the cause, introversion/ extroversion, shyness, lack of energy, whatever. It takes sometimes the first move to just be friendly, to smile or say hi or introduce yourself. But not everyone has the same interests.

For example, a new lady I met literally asked me if I wanted to buy, or (worse yet) have a party selling- I'm sorry for the term- a 'fat wrap'! I am sorry I have no interest, all I could think of was a) I know I've gained weight from trying to not smoke, am I that fat? b) I let my 'anxiety' take care of excess weight, not hard if I don't eat 2 cups of margarine and peanut butter per day :wideeyed: :spitdummy: c) My idea of a nightmare would be that party, I'd rather gowith friend for nachos at the bar, or well anything else d) I wish I could say it but in the case of 'freindship' I know I really can't and e) I feel even more like an :alien: And f) no wonder I hang out with guys more.

But then I thought, my friends wouldn't want to be at such a party, either! (Especially the men!) So it's ok, everyone is different. Of 1000 different topics and 995 I could discuss, she chose the only one 'not me'. So I guess we are on different wavelengths. So, 'bust'.

You will meet people who care about you on the same wave-length. Maybe you are a bit more mature than the peers who haven't dealt with what you have. :hug:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I saw the two girls today in my history class. I arrived right when class was starting and everything was too noisy to really talk. But small things were said that make me think my previous thought was correct....they are interested in knowing me and me them. I do think we could all be friends but I am not sure and don't have to courage to test out the waters. I keep hoping maybe one of them will make the first move but my experiences with other people is...they probably wont.

At one point our history teacher was showing a film. Both girls sit behind me, one right behind me and the other to my left. During the movie the girl to my left starts drawing on her notebook and then starts taking tiny bits of paper into tiny little balls and flicking them at me. When I notice she is doing that and I look at her, she smiles at me. People used to throw things at me in grade school, but when she did it, I didn't get malice from her at all. Her smile and the fact that the paper wasn't aimed my face said to me "I am bored. Pay attention to me/look at me..." It was playful, she wanted my attention I guess. I am not used to that. I didn't know what to do other then smile back and try to laugh even though I was stunned.

At another point the film was paused and the teacher told us that the woman (In this case, Leni Richeshtal) film director had an affair with a man 40 years younger. So she would have been in her 80's. Two guys jump in and talk about how gross that is. I jump in and say that if it was the other way around (older man, young woman) you wouldn't be saying that. The two girls agree with me and one jumps in too. But the whole class is talking at that point, all over each other. But it felt good that someone agreed or even heard me.

It's moments like that that leave me feeling I do/did something wrong. Usually when I say things controversial I think a lot before saying it or it's something I know about already. There is a guy in the class who says everything that comes to his head (and who also hits on the girl sitting behind me) and I notice a few people roll their eyes when he talks. I have a fear of being that person people roll their eyes at. And then sometimes I notice when I talk it's like people don't know what to say and I get the feeling I said it wrong or maybe came on to strong or...? Maybe to calculated and more like a fact then a discussion?

I do feel like there was some progress today. I mean there was steps forward; smiling, listening to me, wanting my attention. All those are good and it's nice to see it is not one sided. I see them again on Thursday.

People tired now. And I wouldn't mind seeing more of the film to be honest, without all the giggling students.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I wish I knew how to navigate the friend thing better. I always come across as some sort of weirdo.

I feel that way too...I hate having puzzles I can't figure out. I realized why I like school so much...I can figure it out, it clicks, it's like saying "Ayesha, take a nap." Well, cool becasue I know how to do that and what is expected of me.

You will meet people who care about you on the same wave-length.

I hope so.

gentle wakeup-hug

:) Thanks.

Has anyone told you that you put people off?

Well, I sense it. Facial expressions, body language, or lack of communication.

I wish we could have coffee together

:)

Wouldn't it be responsible of them to ask what your intent

I have never had anyone ask me that before. On the forum, yeah...but not in real life.

so I don't project my own beliefs onto you. I want to learn about your beliefs. I don't believe what works for one person works for all.

Oh. You had good intentions. For some reason I thought you were trying to make fun of me. And I am not saying that to hurt your feelings, reading what you wrote and what your response was to my confusion shows that I was wrong...you were being helpful and trying to help and I couldn't figure out what you meant.

I'll re-think what you wrote in your previous posts.

defense mechanism

Which seems to be showing through, in my comment above...:oops:

Do you think that things like that will prevent you from obtaining and retaining the meaningful friendships that you crave?

I think it prevents even the "hello". Sometimes even that is hard for me to say.

You know, I rarely ask my therapist at the beginning of the session "How are you?" It's not like I don't care...I do very much. I feel like I don't know how to say it. It gets stuck in my throat. It's come to the point that when I ask, I can tell it sounds wrong and out of place. Even my voice wont sound normal instead it sounds scared and unsure, like I don't understand what I am asking.

But then I have moments where even I know I sound perfectly fine and I will talk someones ear off. But that is normally with someone who is used to me and my talking (husband, therapist) or maybe with a discussion that I 'get'.

Wait . . . are you neuro-typical?

Didn't know what that was so I Googled it. I don't think I fit on the Autism scale. My therapist has never mentioned it and I think a lot of what I am going through is childhood and anxiety based. But at the same time, I can see where you are getting that from. Then maybe I should say I hope that is what it is from.

they have to put a mirror in front of me so I can see how my face looks.

My therapist gave me a paper once and he tried to teach me different facial expressions on the paper. It kinda of scared me becasue I thought...shouldn't most people know this and why don't I know already? I am thinking of asking him to do that again.

I hate the social dance that everyone does.

Me too. So far this thread has allowed me to be a little more vocal with saying 'explain' when I am not able magical understand something that someone types. I will do that here sometimes, if I don't understand then I wont ask becasue I don't want to appear foolish and then I wont say anything.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sorry, I am still going through the thread finding things I didn't address or have other thoughts about.

The best tip I learned about reaching out when you don't know what to say, is to say what you would want them to say to you.

Hmmm...Can you give an example of what you mean?

After she was was murdered, I was surrounded by people who took advantage of me in a variety of ways.

I am very sorry. :(

I walked around just existing.

Sometimes I feel like that these days. And when depressed or lonely that feeling gets worse.

I'm sad that you experienced the loss of your friend, and that you spent time comforting your mother, when maybe what you needed was to be comforted. I could be wrong in saying that, but that's the impression I get from reading that.

I should have said...my friend was 9 years old. I was, I believe about 11 or 12.

It is okay to cry Ayesha, even though it sounds like you really don't want to allow yourself to do that.

No, no, no...

It's never too late to rebuild your self-esteem though.

That is a good point.

seeing as how they're making small talk with you and smile at you, it seems they're open to you chatting more to them.

It looks that way! :)

so thank you very much for starting this thread.

It's funny...I was telling that to Husband the other day. I can't understand why that is said so much on the threads I start. My threads lately (being bisexual, afraid of being a woman, hate of ethnicity) they hurt a lot posting...I get terrified. You should see how much I pace my living room then! But maybe they help people? Or maybe I say things that other people...aren't comfortable saying?

 

[seedling]

I think the girls admired you for jumping right in to defend the woman in the film. I think that kind of spontaneous speaking of your opinion is different than how you describe the guy who says whatever he thinks and hits on the one girl. You may have given the girls the courage to speak up. I can see why they would like you.

You had a valid point to make, the guys were reacting with their personal judgement. Their comments were not necessarily a "bad" thing, it left them open to the kind of response you gave and it was a fair one.

I think when you are vocal you may not always "say the right thing" but if that's who you are then you will learn to deal with those times gracefully. It can get scary at times but it's nice to be yourself.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just read your post about your experience in class on page three. That sounds awesome that you made a connection with one of the women. I think it's cool that you pointed out a double standard. A lot of men will think that women who do that hate men. It's just a way for them to deny that you are right because it shatters their self image in a sense. Well, I say that because that is what my husband tells me lol

But, the women don't think that. Gawd, I can literally feel your feelings of awkwardness and fears over here when you described different aspects of the dynamics that went on in the class. I totally understand.

At school tonight, there was awkwardness between myself and another woman in the class. It's a Psych class. When she opened up to the class, something very personal she did not like about herself, it resonated with me. I almost started crying so in my interaction with her one on one, I was able to determine that my feeling awkward was a way for me to deny my own feelings of relating . . . feeling a connection with another woman. That's new for me.

I'm rambling, sorry. I'm going to read your other post on this page.. I read a couple of your replies in one stream of thought, but I need to pay attention to each one separately.

Here's something cool that I found: http://www.authorsden.com/visit/vie....co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/smiles/

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Oh. You had good intentions. For some reason I thought you were trying to make fun of me. And I am not saying that to hurt your feelings, reading what you wrote and what your response was to my confusion shows that I was wrong...you were being helpful and trying to help and I couldn't figure out what you meant. I'll re-think what you wrote in your previous posts.

There are two parts. You are right that my intentions are good, but you weren't wrong about feeling confused. I just became of aware of how I struggle to separate trauma from the present still even in a conversation online, although very real and exciting--the conversation, I didn't think that could happen to me.

Now, I'll be honest. When I would imply things and then make them into a question, I felt confused while typing it. I felt like I was dissociating while trying to get inside your head (hope that came out right), and the reason is because during my trauma, empathizing with a certain someone meant that he had control over my emotions. It's hard to explain, but I felt myself getting really lost in some of what I was saying. I felt a sense of unreality and when you gave me the opportunity to clarify, I took it without realizing that I was not in the present before. Sorry about that.

Perhaps you picked up on a vibe that I was unaware of within myself before and you just blamed it on yourself. Thank you for your honesty. I just learned how I come off to other people and learned how I can hurt others. Did you feel hurt?

Vulnerability is so strange. I stopped at a gas station last night because my bladder was about to explode. While inside, I used paper towels to flush the toilet and to turn the faucet on and off. But when I used a paper towel to open the door handle, I missed the handle and pulled my nails off of it instead. Ouch! I thought they were about to rip clear off. I started thinking about vulnerability. I was so afraid to put my hand on the door handle in fear I might contract some disease and die. I got hurt. If I had just gone ahead and opened the door with my hand, would I have gotten a disease? Just a thought I've been chewing since then.

I have never had anyone ask me that before. On the forum, yeah...but not in real life.

Me either. I wish people would more. Hell, I even wish I could more without feeling so much fear in doing it. I worry about how people might view me if I ask their intent. I am afraid for them to find me in my hiding spot--not trusting the world or feeling safe. Probably because it would force me to connect. Connect still means hurt to me in a lot of ways. I fear that people will think I am just like the person who traumatized me. I'm unsure why.

Me too. So far this thread has allowed me to be a little more vocal with saying 'explain' when I am not able magical understand something that someone types. I will do that here sometimes, if I don't understand then I wont ask becasue I don't want to appear foolish and then I wont say anything.

It seems I have too. I know this was supposed to be about you. That's another fear I have. If I say I relate or talk about myself, or if I use the word "I" too much... well . . . maybe I'll share that another time.

Thank you for letting me in. Thanks for giving me the freedom to be myself. I haven't been to bed since the night before last. I will be back tomorrow to read more.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think the girls admired you for jumping right in to defend the woman in the film.

I think so, at least the one sitting behind me. She stared at me for a second with her mouth open, smiled and then looked at the two guys and almost shouted "Yeah, you wouldn't be saying that....!"

From the way she dresses and acts I get the impression she is the confident of the two.

kind of spontaneous

It was actually. But when something makes me angry or I think I have a valid argument, I tend to voice it. I have noticed as I get older I become more selective and use the phrase 'pick your own battles' more often then not.

if that's who you are then you will learn to deal with those times gracefully. It can get scary at times but it's nice to be yourself.

It is nice to be yourself!

You know, I love to give class presentations or speeches etc.? You would think I wouldn't, becasue I have such bad anxiety problems but I actually like it becasue it gives me a reason to voice my opinion and people have to listen while I do it. I believe I told my therapist that about 3 sessions ago who said: "and you feel everyone should agree with you?" And I think I said something like "Yes, of course!" before I realized how arrogant that sounded...so maybe I should say I would like them to agree with me, I would like to stand up there and change someones view point.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

A lot of men will think that women who do that hate men. It's just a way for them to deny that you are right because it shatters their self image in a sense. Well, I say that because that is what my husband tells me lol

That sounds like something my husband would agree with. And the idea from last page, with flipping the genders around, was actually given to me by my therapist probably a year ago. He is male and in his early 60's. He has influenced me a lot and I probably wouldn't thought about it or if I had, wouldn't have said that in class otherwise.

He has helped me know myself better.

But, the women don't think that.

Which woman?

your feelings of awkwardness and fears

I am so used to people just getting angry at me instead when they were only half listening. That happened on Monday at the library during my volunteering. A lady from the front desk (the place you check out your books) came into the office (I work in the admin office). She stopped and chatted with me and the lady who works in the office too. We started asking the front desk lady questions about calls I had had that day. The lady starts answering them and then looks at me and says in a sharp voice "Well, you aren't supposed to be answering those questions anyway!" The lady in the office jumped to my defenses and told her that we (I liked that she said we, instead of putting blame on me by saying 'I') were only curious and I hadn't been answering.

My job is to answer the phone when it rings, sort of like an operator. I was told clearly to transfer calls and not to answer more then "Yes, we are open today..." kind of questions.

Now that I think about that ladies reaction to me...It was all so wrong. Don't ask questions it said. Don't think for yourself. Know your place.

I felt little, small and stupid but happy that someone senior came to my defense, otherwise she wouldn't have heard me. But I often get reactions like that...so again I wonder why. Do people...Think I don't have a brain for some reason? Think I don't have a right to ask? Do I ask the question wrong i.e maybe it comes out as a challenge to their authority? Maybe when people first met me they think 'timid' and are surprised when I question them?

It happened the week before too with some people Husband and I had dinner with.

I was able to determine that my feeling awkward was a way for me to deny my own feelings of relating . . . feeling a connection with another woman.

I am not sure what I should say here, other then I am glad for you. Having a connection is a good thing.

If I say I relate or talk about myself, or if I use the word "I" too much

You know, hearing other people relate and trust enough to share there 'I' stories is very helpful. It nice to know I am not alone. Nice that it's not just a group of people trying to jump me up but that some (most) have come down with me and said "Us too!" @cherryblossom and @Solara and @rainy_daze all said they feel that too...and those are just the people I can think of off the top of my head.

Here's something cool that I found: http://www.authorsden.com/visit/vie...ame. My legal name now but not my birth name.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I do have problems making or maintaining eye contact as well.

It seems to depend on the person.

Store clerks...I will look at them, make contact but I wont for a long period of time and I don't think they notice. They are busy and I am just another costumer so I don't get as bothered, reactions and words are more general.

Husband no issue at all.

Therapist. Issue. To the point where I spend most of the session looking away from him. To the point where he actually looked behind him once. That was embarrassing. I don't know why either...I trust the guy a lot. But eye contact with him and other people like him is very hard.

Family: Can be hard.

Students at school: Not really hard so far. But also so far the interactions have been minimal and nothing terribly heavy.

I'll have to think more about this.

 

[ninja]

Hmmm...Can you give an example of what you mean?

Sure. For instance, when I am in a lecture and find myself wishing that a certain person would ask if I'd be interested in going for lunch, but am not entirely certain how to make that happen, I switch the roles: I try to pretend that I am that person and s/he is me. That way it feels like I am just talking to myself. Somehow this feels less intimidating. I certainly go quite slowly and have to work up to inviting people out to do things. It's okay to go slow; there will always be other opportunities. :)

I kept thinking about how it's not good enough, I can do better, why can't I do better?

I can totally relate. One of the 'worst' aspects of this is that we could impress 1000 people in a row, but if the 1001th person reacted more negatively it would erase absolutely all of the positive feedback? I've just had to work and work and work on this with my therapist..

Normally when people say things they want a reply then, not 5 minutes later when I figure out what I should be politely saying back.

The good thing about small talk is that it is mostly all the same: even if in one situation it takes you five minutes to figure out what you would like to say, it's in your arsenal for the next time.

Do people...Think I don't have a brain for some reason?

I really don't think that person is reacting to you. It's being directed at you, but it's not about you I don't think. She sounds just plain cranky to me.