Can You Really Forgive Your Abusers?

[J_trustno1]

Understandable billie. But with time and hard work that you are already putting into it, I am sure you'll cross that barrier too. All the best with healing.

 

[Barconian]

I mean the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get about the idea of forgiving them for my lost innocence.

You do look so tough in your superwoman outfit ;)

 

[J_trustno1]

You do look so tough in your superwoman outfit ;)

lol.. I am a rebel and stubborn as hell. I know that it is no fun being in this category. I've done things to prove people wrong which means I've been a people pleaser. But not anymore. Heheh thanks @Barconian. Btw I chose this avatar since I want to get out of this PTSD and depression. Therefore I picked the most appealing pic from google images ;) hahahhaha... bit of comedy here in choosing the photo. :p

 

[Mary]

Yes. I really forgive them. I did it as fast as I could after my understanding of forgiveness changed radically. I used to think of forgiveness as somehow being ok with what happened or maybe I'm not mad at them anymore or something. Nope! A new definition came to me while I was thinking about financial debt. It goes like this:

When someone is in financial debt to us, they have something of ours that they are meant to repay (as opposed to a gift). When we forgive a financial debt, we tell a person, "You owe me this money, and have been responsible for making me whole. Now, the debt is forgiven. You are no longer a part of making me whole."

Similarly, when someone harms us, they take away our wholeness. Sometimes, a person who harms us can correct what they have done and make us whole again. But sometimes that just will not happen. We can hold them in debt to us in our minds, waiting for them to make us whole, or we can forgive them their debt and finally seek to be made whole another way (or cope with not being made whole). Notice there is nothing here about allowing continued abuse or being happy about what happened.

In my experience to not forgive is to hold myself hostage to a repayment that will never come. I am the only one who suffers.

 

[The Albatross]

What Mary said (and if I could I'd like it a hundred times). :tup:

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm with @Solara in that forgiveness means different things to different people.

I will never forgive the stranger that held a knife at my throat and repeatedly raped me. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness nor would me 'forgiving him' make me feel any different/better. But referring to the post by @Mary I don't feel he should or ever will repay me. I suppose I just don't understand that analogy.

I haven't forgiven him, and never will, but I've still found other ways to move on.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I don't feel it's about forgiveness at all. Seriously..can any of you remotely consider think or feel you would ever accept an apology from your abusers? After all that..eh? Personally I would laugh if they tried. :D Besides it would only further prove they're idiots! LOL

That's the Brightside Jess. You don't have to forgive anyone. All you have to do is accept they're stupid and there is no cure. Don't ever forget that. Straighten your crown and gracefully walk away like a boss! :joyful:

Time is your most valuable asset. Don't. give. it. to. them.

 

[J_trustno1]

Survivor2Thriver, I totally agree with you. I did have one of them crying in front me but sooner I realised that she had crocodile tears and continued giving similar treatment like she has been for the past 14 yrs. Therefore, I don't trust them and I don't need to lookout for an apology. I totally agree with you about not wasting my time on.

You are very smart in coming up with that analogy @Survivor2Thriver. I admire your answers which you have always provided me with in my previous posts. Thanks for your support.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Mary: you have a great way to look at it. I wish I was as kind as you. But I admit that dwelling on their deeds and ruining my childhood is only taking away my wholeness. I will try my best to move beyond the past. Meanwhile, thanks for your outlook on your past and thanks for a very nice answer.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think the answer is 'yes'. Everyone has their own definition of it, even radical forgiveness. And it comes only when one is ready. For me it doesn't matter (to not forgive), because nothing will change, and I have other things I'm thankful for.

Really good points have been made. But there is a document here someone refered me to (referred all of us), for veterans. It said that even radical forgiveness won't cure ptsd. So it's not necessary in terms of the timing, if and when it's right for each person.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Survivor2Thriver,
I got an apology from one of them. I'm not sure how apologizing for something makes a person an idiot. Yes, it was in fact a sincere apology and no, I have never once taken it for granted given that I received something that most will never receive. (Again, I see your feelings of superiority arising....)

 

[somuchpain]

That is really great. But, not knowing the realities of the situation, I have to advise against believing it in your heart: Because that merely gives them the power to destroy you again in the future. Please protect yourself from that possibility. Love, a friend