Do you have documents/photos/writings/objects/etc. from the time of your trauma?

[Sweetleaf]

I had a chance for a good future back then before it all happened, I am only a percentage of the person i could have been. If only I had a time machine and could go back knowing what i know now.

I feel the same way.

I share a lot of feelings you've expressed in your post. My abuser is in the same city as me, so I still fear him quite often. However, I've also been shown that being in public can be unsafe, in the past. There is no hiding from my fear, when it comes. Outside, inside, the fears will come. Inside my car seems to be one of my safer feeling safe places.

Whether it changes or not, we can always work to improve, and heal. I'm sorry you have to deal with this all.

 

[Freida]

could have a friend drag and drop the whole entire folder, though. I just don't think I could let anyone dig through the photos, and pull out the evidence for me.

Yes JUST the folder. Simple drag and drop --- don't open it!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Sweetleaf The hardest thing for me is I never feel safe with the world around me, I end up measuring the world around me by how much a potential threat they are too me or the chances they will betray or harm me or my interests in some way. In my mind everyone eventually betrays or abandons, or harms me in some way. There is no such thing as a safe place or safe person for me. The latter makes it hard to form relationships especially fulfilling ones.

Frankly I am afraid to exist in this world. But I have to exist anyway.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Sweetleaf The hardest thing for me is I never feel safe with the world around me, I end up measuring the world around me by how much a potential threat they are too me....

I identify with your post so much.

I never talk about this, but, once, when I was very freshly free from my abuser, my mother's refusal to lower her raised voice, and her raised voice, made me try jumping out of her car while it was moving. She slowed it down enough before I did finally get out, that it was still moving, but not fast enough for it to matter, and I just kinda hopped out and slid a few inches on the ice and just started walking, and refused to get back in.

When I got home after that, I had to call my therapist, LEGIT panicking like a motherf*cker, freaking out. It's literally the one and only time I called my therapist. A bunch of shit had made me very, very afraid and sorta temporarily convinced that my mother, the person mainly taking care of me now that I freed myself, was manipulative, and manipulating me and my sister, and it made me feel so afraid, I was like shaking, I had to call her, I said "Hey uhhhh this is Sweetleaf.... can you please convince me that my mom isn't manipulative?" My voice was -SO- afraid sounding and shakey. I was terrified. She talked me down from it, and out of it, thankfully. I thanked her profusely.

I continuously fear people, and think they're out to get me, or question their motives, and have paranoias that they're doing things because they have ill intentions towards me. Everyone is a potential threat. My own mother, even.

Your words are so true for me. It hurts. But, we're not alone in this at least.

 

[Sweetleaf]

my mother's refusal to lower her raised voice, and her raised voice, made me try jumping out of her car while it was moving.

After re-reading that, I kind of want to clarify this a bit.

She wouldn't stop the car, she wouldn't stop talking with her raised voice, and I was freaking out. I was thinking like "oh holy shit i can't take this!!! i need to get out of here! i need to get away right the f*ck now!! aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!! holy shiiiiiiiittt!!!!!!" It was a -very- not-sane thought. But, I was in -really- bad shape. Before I started unbuckling my seatbelt, I was like "If you keep going I HAVE to leave the car" or something like that. She kept going. I unbuckled and started leaving the car, shaking like a motherf*cker, which probably helped her have more time to slow down, because I didn't give a shit, I was getting the f*ck out of that car right at that moment, and nothing was going to stop me, because inside of car was very scary. Outside of car was less scary. Therefore outside of car is where I go. As I said, a very f*cked up line of thought, but I was so incapable of dealing with that shit, I was so freshly free of my abuser, and I had not had her raise her voice in an enclosed space like that yet, and she wouldn't stop. She wouldn't stop being loud, and she wouldn't stop the car to let me out. I'm not proud of it. I'm embarrassed by it. But it happened.

 

[Swift]

After re-reading that, I kind of want to clarify this a bit.

She wouldn't stop the car, she wouldn't...

@Sweetleaf , the almost exact same thing happened to me.
I'd been telling my mum for years and years not to trap me in a confined space and yell at me.
I've jumped out and run off before.
She started on me again, with the motherf*cking doors locked so I couldn't escape.
I told her I was about to have a panic attack. Ignored me and kept yelling.
Started having a panic attack and threw up all over her brand new car.
It didn't feel very good at the time, but there was a bit of i-told-you-so victory.
Now I think it's f*cking hilarious.
She's been being exceedingly difficult today, so thanks for reminding me. I needed the laugh.
And she's never done it again.
Vomiting is an embarrassing effect of mine, but on the plus side I've got lots of "that time I threw up on..." stories that I think are funny.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Swift you make me feel better about it lol. Thanks for posting that.

Also yeah, that is some nice revenge, for her keeping you in her car. I don't know how I would have reacted if she had kept me in with the doors locked. I probably would have started trying to break the window or other very crazy extreme shit, if it happened at that moment.

I haven't vomited yet, but I've always been extremely resistant to vomiting. There are many times, where everybody else was vomiting from something, and I was the only one not. Talking about or thinking about certain things, or panic attacks, can make me feel really nauseous, and gag, but have never made me vomit yet.

Being locked in the car forced to endure that sounds horrible, though. Sorry you had her do that to you.

 

[Swift]

I have a hand trick to block my gag reflex, yay abuse sex tips!
And my stomach is strong as hell, but my panic reflex makes me spew.
It's a hell of a way to get revenge, though.
"Don't do that/if you keep doing that I'm going to vomit."
Person continues doing exactly that.
Spewing is a wonderfully effective"well I f*cking told you so."

 

[Sweetleaf]

I have a hand trick to block my gag reflex, yay abuse sex tips!

Oh god I relate to that, sadly. That makes me feel nauseous to think about. I had my own ways of dealing with that during abuse.
I am clenching my fists hard thinking about it. And breathing.

 

[Swift]

Keep breathing, @Sweetleaf.
It's over now.
I'm here.
I'm sorry I triggered you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

It's okay, I am hanging on. Breathing. I don't mind being triggered, it's pretty much a guarantee on this site, that it will happen here and there. Posting stuff like that is what this place is for, I am glad that you posted it, in that it helps shed light on my past to think of things like that, that I have not thought of, since the time I was actually experiencing them. Even though it is so difficult to handle. I guess that is why it is so intense.

No need to be sorry. Thanks for being there.

 

[Swift]

Yeah.
I'm the same with this site.
I'm glad you're hanging on.
Self-care time?
That's what I'd need I think.