Do You Ever Feel Like Your Trauma Wasn't "traumatic Enough"?

[Draiocht]

I absolutely do this. It takes a lot of effort for me to shift the facade of happy families/get over it-ism that my parents fostered at home. I was genuinely astounded at the response of the ward staff when I disclosed a bit about what was going on at home. They wanted to get social services involved and asked me if I wanted to press charges. The shock of that still rings today. I feel like I must have overstated it, that it wasn't really that bad, I must have just been a whingey little brat. I feel guilty being in therapy when other people must need services more than me. The other week my male T was comparing aspects of my hyper-vigilance to how soldiers he has treated behave and react to "normal" stimulus. Maybe it's a sign of progress I looked at this in a purely technical light rather than brooding (too much, anyway) on the insignificance of my experiences compared to theirs. Like others have said, at the end of the day this is the effect my experiences has had on me, and I'm trying to treat my own illness. Playing trauma top-trumps is not conducive to my mental health and I try to fight it when I realise that's what I'm doing.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I do this, all the time. I do this about trauma, about my eating disorder, my difficulties relating to my mum's illness/parents divorce.

emotional neglect IS life threatening to a child

I strongly believe in this.

I have recently posted about not understanding why the emotionally abusive aspects of the (mainly) sexual abuse I experienced are the most devastating for me at the moment. I think it comes from that general cultural belief that somehow certain sorts of abuse are worse/more valid than others. Yes some are more severe. Some are more life-threatening, some are more threatening to a person's integrity/identity/sense of self, some are more threatening to a person's sense of safety. It's the nature of the beast. But there is an idea that emotional abuse and lack of connection/attention is somehow inferior/less valid as a cause of trauma, even in children. But it is an essential part of a healthy childhood to receive care and attention - it isn't a bonus or a privilege. When you are young, you are vulnerable - physically and mentally. Anything threatening that, including neglect, is bound to be traumatic.

Even right now, as I read what other people have gone thru, I find myself down grading what happened to me.

So do I!!!

But ultimately I know it's not helpful to do it.....

I mean something so horrifying happened to me that my brain couldn't function and process it. It literally fried my neurons in my brain. Now some don't send the correct instructions at all and some act when they are supposed to. This is PTSD. It can be seen with special scans. It's real and none of this is a contest. My PTSD is no more complex or real than yours.

You make a lot of sense. I think I need to have this written down somewhere!!

I am starting to understand that I am in constant fight or flight and on edge and to recognise that some of my actions were a form of "flight", not necessarily as "stupid" as I think. Understanding the state I'm in helps me move a little bit forward in accepting that what happened has had a significant effect on me...regardless of whether I consider it to be "traumatic enough" or not.

 

[Tabbycat925]

I do this, all the time. I do this about trauma, about my eating disorder, my difficulties relati...

I have a quote of what my friend who has battle ptsd told me about this exact thing. "You can sit around all day comparing scars, but just because you can't see yours doesn't mean they don't exist"
Sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through the day especially when you run into those one uppers type of people.

 

[KristenEve]

I too have had these feelings and I think everyone is different. Everyone has different levels they can tolerate. I have no idea if this is a learned trait or just is part of you. Some people are able to compartmentalize (separate) things in their brains and others aren't. I am one who cannot and this has ALWAYS been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I've been called "sensitive" or "emotional", but to me it's just that I feel things in a way that sometimes others just don't.

So for me and my PTSD situation, I have definitely encountered people with opinions on either side. Some think they would be having an even harder time then me and I'm handling things well one day at a time. Then others think I should just suck it up and move on. Sounds like you are also struggling with this. I definitely have the same questions. But I guess at the end of the day you just have to accept that you are having difficulties and you are ALLOWED to have those feelings. I remember coming across a quote once that said something like this.....

"Telling me I can't be sad, because someone else has it a lot worse, is like telling me that I can't be happy because someone else has it better"

Very impactful. Not exact quote but you get the picture. Hope that helps.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I feel that quite frequently. I have many traumas that differ only by the type. Meaning some are from verbal abuse while others are sexual assaults and rapes. I even tend to think one of my traumas that was life threatening is probably just me overreacting. My therapist is quick to challenge those thoughts. It's just really hard to call it what it was. Assault and battery that if it had gone to court could have potentially been brought up as attempted murder.

Some of the other traumas I minimize too. I end up doing what I think the real issue is and that's to compare them with the traumas of other people. I'll think things like "he didn't have a gun to my head like some other people may have experienced which means my trauma can't be THAT traumatic". Meanwhile my therapist looks like she's trying to land a plane waving her arms all over and pretty much saying "wait wrong no don't go that way with those thoughts".

I really think there is a lot of comparison and expectation and "shoulding" that go into it. I also, think it's partly a coping mechanism of our brains trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. Trying to understand that something we thought was true or right is actually wrong and inaccurate. It's hard to tell the brain that we oops believed what looked like a truth and was actually a lie. The brain wants to push against that. Whatever the traumas were no matter what anyone else's traumas were the thing is they were traumatic. The traumas are facts for everyone. There isn't really a barometer to compare each other's traumas to. They were all traumatic. Now if I could just get myself to really believe that totally and completely.

 

[katz]

I even start comparing myself to soldiers, (because of the word PTSD) which makes me think that "mine wasn't that bad. Look what they went thru."

 

[Draiocht]

Does anyone think that we deny the severity of our traumas because we are trying to protect ourselves mentally/emotionally? As in, it feels safer to believe the trauma was insignificant because otherwise it's out of control and bad things happen that we can't stop sometimes and everyone can be helpless... I have this feeling when I get paranoid hearing people walking behind me. I start picturing what I would do if I was attacked - believing that my fear would give me the advantage and I'd get away. I've come to realise recently that it's all very delusional. I don't want to accept me being beaten, and back when I was at the gym more it wouldn't matter how much strength training I did, someone bigger and stronger than me could always kick my ass if they wanted to. If we truly accept how helpless we are, that means there was nothing we could do to stop it and that thought is downright terrifying.

 

[Muttly]

It's funny, I was going to reply to a post of my own, saying how I was exaggerating, nothing I went through was that bad, yada yada yada and decided to read posts first. I pretty much always feel that the stuff I went through wasn't that bad or worthy of PTSD or DID. Sometimes I think it more strongly, sometimes less.

And yes,@Draiocht has an excellent point It can often be a form of self-protection, even though it's counter productive.

For me, it's also what I was taught. Someone in my family always had it "worse". Everything was a comparison and my mother owned the crown for suffering. And there was so much gaslighting too, it was hard to know what was real.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oddly, yes, all the time. I say oddly because most cover their mouths, shake their head, have the "omg" reaction like they are at a very scary part of a horror movie. But I don't feel it was that bad or even bad at all. I'm still at a "ok, it was sort of bad" area. But hey, that's great from where I started.

 

[LadyZane]

Does anyone think that we deny the severity of our traumas because we are trying to protect ourselves...

I've been thinking about this same thing. Been reading the autobiography of a favorite celebrity who is also a trauma survivor and in the chapter I read yesterday he says almost the exact same thing as you. Minimizing trauma and blaming ourselves -- maybe it's just easier to turn it all inwards and deal with the shame because at least that's something we can feel a little control over.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I completely understand. Even though I suffered verbal, emotional and physical abuse by my parents in childhood, sexual abuse by multiple adults in childhood, and then as an adult I was in a very violent marriage for six years...I still question whether or not it was "bad enough." If it's still affecting your views of yourself and the world, and the decisions you make in your life now, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH. Even the emotional and verbal abuse alone was enough to break my spirit and leave me traumatized. I know that I deserve to heal, but I still question myself in the rare moments that I feel like I'm doing just "fine." I think it's a normal reaction to think that others have it much worse. I think it's all a part of how we have been conditioned to be. It's how we've survived to this point. You deserve to heal and be healthy just like anyone else. Remember that! ;)

 

[LadyZane]

I think it's a normal reaction to think that others have it much worse

I've also come to realize that it's normal for us to feel this way because we have a functioning sense of empathy! We're not one of those people who steps in a muddy puddle on the way to work and thinks the world is ending because it revolves around us. Despite everything we've been through we can still see our lives from a relatively objective viewpoint and feel for other people, not just ourselves. It doesn't override our subjective experiences and how damaging they were -- but at least our capacity for empathy is one solid part of us that wasn't completely damaged :)