Relationship 12 Year Old Voice From 40 Year Old Man? Love Trigger?

[Seaotter]

A couple of times recently my sufferer acts and sounds like a 12 year old. He comes out with, "are you mad, are you mad, are you mad?" He has had a lifetime of abuse. Has anyone else experienced this? What is it and if so, what do you do?

He has shut down with me for 5 months and I know he cares deeply for me, when I pull away he comes closer. I see him physically shut down - it's hard to watch. However, he says he just doesn't feel the same as he did. My therapist says he needs to believe that to survive. He has said he can't let anyone in because when he does they take advantage of him. He's had some pretty bad relationships with abusive people and has never shut down before. So because I'm kind to him, want him to be happy, he's shut down. I am very independent and don't need anything from him, just him. His trigger? Love and intimacy, :( Is anyone else their sufferers trigger? Any success with dealing with this or am I deluding myself? My therapist told me to be the slow and steady - keep showing up at our mutual activity, let him come to me, treat him as you would an abused animal.

 

[Echo]

Yes, I once heard a now ex suddenly speak like that. It was at a moment of great anguish for us both in our relationship. I now realise it triggered him back into childhood pain. As it did me. I had no idea at the time.

I lost him. I wish I had known your therapist's advice. I have CPTSD myself and his remains unacknowledged and untreated. I understand both sides now and have also withdrawn into my pain. I am struggling not to allow myself to feel it. Sometimes I feel excruciatingly desperate (also deeply for the loss of him) and at others just utterly emotionally blank. Feeling blank is far easier as a state to exist in but then I worry if I am being cold-hearted and selfish. In the end it is about finding a way to survive until the trauma energy and memories are processed. If your husband is in therapy and engaging with it, there is hope, but it is a long struggle and so hard on all of us. If you've been abused as a child, your place of refuge and supposed source of love is your source of abuse. Any tiny sign that that abuse or betrayal may be returning or any tiny thing that unconsciously reminds us of it triggers us back into those old reactions and coping mechanisms. If he's still there, he knows it's not you and that's not your intention. My ex couldn't cope with me going away for three weeks on a research trip and finished it when I returned with one sentence, "I can't stand the unsettlement of being without you, so I need to finish it." At the time, I found that utterly illogical. Now I understand.

 

[ISupportHer]

let him come to me, treat him as you would an abused animal.

Interesting metaphor. Not calling sufferers animals he, he, but I think the concept is good. So many threads and posts have talked about not pushing the situation. That it is the sufferer who has to do the healing, etc. I have seen so many instances of a supporter dead set on helping. This IS helping! when you allow the sufferer to take their own pace.

Two other aspects I see right away are:

OUR behavior influences this greatly. Using the metaphor above. We have to stay calm. "Modeling" behavior" if you will.

Second, and this is a sad prospect for us, is that the wounded person may chose not to return. But yet we cannot force it.

These comments are just general in nature and not about any one specific relationship.

ISH

 

[Hope4Now]

My spouse is struggling with the same issues as you are. My heart goes out to him at the same time I withdraw from him. It tortures me to know his pain and frustration and that somehow I am the cause of it. At the same time, I am incapable of behaving differently even though I desperately want the intimacy. I am stuck in a terrified place. The best thing he could do for me is to be there near me in gentle loving patience until I can find my way to safety again, find a way to be here with him in the present, without the overlay of my wounded animal self always in fear of further abuse.

It is a terrible place for you to be...loving someone who wants to be loved but runs away from the very thing wanted out of fear.

I think partners who love people like us need just as much therapeutic support for themselves as we do. I'm glad you have a therapist who gives you wise advice. Sadly there seems no easy or quick answer. I deeply wish there were.

 

[bell]

I totally agree with the whole "abused animal" analogy. I used to volunteer at the local animal shelter and always felt like the abused ones were kindred spirits. In them, I recognized a side of me that very few people see because I refuse to be "caught," so to speak, like they were (going with the metaphor here...) although for them being "caught" was a godsend... sometimes I see it as nothing but a terrifying net. I never realized how it was possible to see love despite the pain (which I think people view in me) until I started working with them.

 

[Justmehere]

A couple of times recently my sufferer acts and sounds like a 12 year old. He comes out with, "are you mad, are you mad, are you mad?"

I have done this. I was talking to my therapist and suddenly got to a place where I was saying, "are you mad? Please don't be mad." Another time I sounded like a rebellious teenager... my therapist said, "There's the angry teenager in you." She was right.

It surprised me when it came up with my therapist and I felt so deeply embarrassed afterwards and I wanted to quit and run. My therapist didn't have any strong reactions, just noticed it, and kept being safe and kept treating me like an adult, while also assuring me that she wasn't mad. She responded in a very steady manner - much like someone would with an abused and scared animal. She didn't push in or pull away from me. Something my therapist later explained is that this likely would not be happening if I did not feel safe enough with her to let that vulnerable fear out about being close to her. I think I agree. I was triggered by the closeness, which is hard for me to tolerate, but those child fears don't come out unless I feel safe enough to let someone in.

So maybe instead of seeing yourself as a trigger, you are someone who is safe enough for your husband to let some of his most vulnerable fears come out with.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Something my therapist later explained is that this likely would not be happening if I did not feel safe enough with her to let that vulnerable fear out about being close to her.

That is an interesting view and not one I would have ever thought of on my own. Thank you for sharing!

 

[psychocandy]

I have experienced this in the same way. Love and kindness is the trigger. Shut down for 5 months. Makes it out like I am the one who didn't have a clue and it was all just a normal relationship breakup. When all I ever can be accused of is unconditional love and kindness to one who told me her biggest secret. And because I listened and did not react negatively or cause drama during this shut out, I simply loved her, I got pushed even further even just to say hello. The thing is, in her mind she is trying to save me from a life of hell as she put it, she's damaged goods. In my mind, I'm a perfectly capable independent who doesn't need to be spared because I have self-love and I know she doesn't need someone to save her as she has taken care of herself for 50yrs. She needs someone who is real who really gets what a lifetime of this really means and actually is true to my word. Me. But...that is 10x more scary than being with a party girl. Having a low key, fun party relationship is easy. No triggers. She still manages to seek out and find me on VDay just watching me but too afraid to talk to me when I wasn't hanging on anyone else, true to my word instead of what she expected it to be me with someone. Its like I'm under a microscope, im fine with that, I have nothing to hide. My happiness comes from within knowing I have unconditional love for myself as well as for her. She gets my cards in the mail on holidays, nothing more, nothing less. I am not a push nor a pull, but steady low voltage love. She is the victim of her hurt and I can't help if she chooses to be afraid like a hurt animal (using your term) and acting out, I can only control my own reactions and not accepting anything less than I deserve in return because I am just as beautiful of a human being as she is.

 

[Barconian]

treat him as you would an abused animal.

That works, just don't over protect them :)