Relationship Sufferers And Trust

[Sephira]

Hi everyone! My question is for a sufferer or anyone who has a long term relationship with their sufferer.

I have been with my beloved for 6 years, 4 of which he has had combat PTSD. I am the closest thing to family he has, and I absolutely trigger him the most often, and the most quickly. I don't do It intentionally- he can get triggered over my tone or if I forget to do something or don't do a task as well as he thinks I should. He always says that bad information and mistakes can lead to death in his job. He has little tolerance for anything less than perfection.

Thanks to this site, research and talking with a support group I trigger him far less than when I didn't understand about how PTSD affected him. Sadly, however, he sometimes associates bad feelings with me as a result.

He loves me, he doesn't want to leave. He is sure but at the same time it often feels like I am just starting to get him to trust me, then he's triggered and then I've lost some ground with him and must work to get it back.

I'm really trying to be a caring understanding partner, to give him space and time he needs when he needs it. I try to set reasonable boundaries for myself, and not push him. Basically, I'm trying to help him balance this precious relationship with the PTSD.

How do you build trust in a relationship when PTSD is part of the equation?

I always feel like he doesn't trust me completely and with the PTSD I'm at a loss as to how to build it especially when I accidentally trigger him. Has anyone been through this or has some ideas?

It seems like this is the one part of the relationship that isn't improving. Thank you!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

He always says that bad information and mistakes can lead to death in his job

That sounds familiar... I get "If you can't do the small things right, then how can I trust you with the big things?" Thank you, military.

You are not responsible for his stress or triggers. That is 100% his PTSD, and 0% you. No matter how hard to work not to stress him, you are going to do things that stress him, just by sheer proximity. He cannot blame you for this, and if you blame yourself, you are going to make yourself nuts.

 

[WillyKat]

Well, the first, second, third….thing to do is what you're already doing. You care, you try, you try more. Bless you.

I honestly don't know what else you could do, except maybe to ask him the question you've asked us. You can't be the only one trying as hard as you are. You also have to tell him that you're not a soldier, that perfectionism can have a high cost too (like in the morale department), and that he's not at war any more (I'm assuming that is).

Is he getting therapy or some kind of treatment? If not, my personal opinion is that he should be.

 

[Justmehere]

Building trust takes BOTH sides working on it. Is he doing things to push himself to risk trusting you in small ways?

It sounds like you are doing what you can. Slow and steady, and trying to be consistent and respectful.. and yet also being human. People with PTSD don't really need perfection. That perfectionism he has is anxiety - and it's out of control when he starts applying it to his relationship with you. It's isn't going to lead to death if things are not perfect. He needs to learn to turn off the perfectionism and work on processing the trauma, and he will be able to trust you and tolerate imperfection, i.e. being in relationship with humans, A LOT more.

I would be careful about taking on too much responsibility for his being triggered by you. In the end, he will trust you more when he takes ownership of his triggers and his reactions to them, and the ways that PTSD affects them and his responsibility to manage them better. Getting effective treatment and working hard at it is essential.

Your part is to just be honest, own your needs, and keep being as steady an safe as you can. That's all you can do. Without him doing his part, there is nothing you could do that would be enough.

 

[WillyKat]

Justmehere said it better than I did. He needs to take ownership of what triggers him. Very hard to do, but he must do it.

 

[seedling]

when I accidentally trigger him.

turn that around to read: He gets triggered when I do X. You are not "doing" it to him.

I can relate to his fear of someone dying. I've recently realized that underneath my anxiety there is the fear/thought that "someone is going to die." I've started to tell my self "no one is going to die" as soon as the anxiety starts. It helps me to name it and bring it into the present, I think I see that it doesn't fit the present situation.

I'm not sure if anything like this would work for the two of you, but maybe you can try something like the following.
If there is something that you do that he never thinks is perfect enough, the next time you do it tell him you are going to do it and you realize he may not like the way you do it, he may have feelings come up over it.
If he can stand to be present while you perform the task you could reassure him and talk to him while you do it (I'm going to wash the dishes now, I'm going to do it the way I usually do, no one is going to come to harm if I do it this way etc...). It might help to pick the most mundane thing there is that might be a trigger.
If he thinks it would be too much for him he could excuse himself to be alone and deal with the reaction he might have later when he sees the outcome of what you've done.

If he feels like he loses trust in you when he is triggered does he work to get it back too?

Not sure if that helps, all the best in your wonderful efforts.

 

[broken brain]

I worry about my own abilities to ever completely trust my partner. He has given me no reason to doubt him but simply because he represents the gender that I associate pain with, he's guilty by default (this creates problems ALL the time). I hope your boyfriend is in treatment for his and your relationship's sake. You sound fully committed to being his supporter, so he should (in a perfect scenario) fully commit to healing.

 

[Sephira]

I think part of the problem is that in the past I was a terrible supporter. Before I was educated about PTSD I would get very anxious and upset when he would isolate, my temper would act up when he was triggered. I didn't understand what he was going through, and I almost lost him. I was holding on to the old Pre-PTSD him, and it took me time to accept things as they are now and learn to deal with his PTSD and my reactions to it.

I feel awful about it, but I can't change the past.

He is not in war anymore, but has a desk job where he gathers information for troops overseas. He says it's still very stressful and he wishes he were still doing a combat related job.

This is going to sound silly, but the activity we do that triggers him the most is to play video games together. The games help him forget, and he loves the achievements he can get from doing hard stuff in the games. We play together all the time. I have cerebral palsy however and the muscles in my right hand are weak. Sometimes I just don't have the muscle control or reaction time to do what he wants me to do in the game. His response is "practice, build neural connections". The problem is that building neural connections takes years, not weeks.

Long story short, we start to play, I do something wrong, he accuses me of not practicing or focusing or trying hard enough. Then his tone changes and his mood sours. Then he isolates for the rest of the night and sometimes the next day. When he does return, he is worn out.

I tell him playing together isn't worth upsetting him and remind him there are so many other things we can do together. But he loves the video games and when I offer to stop, he just accuses me of not wanting to put in the effort to spend time doing his favorite thing.

It sounds so foolish when I write it, but to him it is a HUGE deal. Then he hits me with " if I can't trust you to do a thing like practice in a video game, how can I trust you with more important things." I just feel like I can't win no matter what I do.

 

[broken brain]

Sounds like a lose lose situation. My boyfriend would know what those are, I put him in them all the time.

I wouldn't feel too bad about being a horrible supporter at first. Mine was (and is too) by your definition, but I don't see him that way because he tries and is willing to learn. How can you possibly know until you learn?

@Sephira, is he in therapy?

 

[Sephira]

No therapy, Broken Brain. He is lives in Bahrain and there are no qualified therapists there that specialize in PTSD. I emailed some of the top professors in the States asking if they knew anyone-no go.

He can't use military resources because he works for a private company and they don't keep therapists on staff. It's so frustrating.

Normally he manages his PTSD reasonably well. He has long stretches of time (9-12months) where he is fine. I can almost forget he has PTSD. Then something happens at work and everything goes to hell. The next few months he has a court case and work to deal with so his PTSD is acting up. He warned me he would be stressed, to be patient and try and let go anything nasty he says or does.

Intellectually, he knows his PTSD is acting up. Unfortunately, when he is in the midst of it, I'm still the bad guy, and his trust in me erodes.

 

[broken brain]

Intellectually, he knows his PTSD is acting up. Unfortunately, when he is in the midst of it, I'm still the bad guy, and his trust in me erodes.

Very accurate description.

The lack of available resources is incredibly frustrating! I just started real treatment myself, but there were no options available before.I wish you two the best of luck. Stay strong, and don't forget to take care of yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

There are online therapists that can help with PTSD - not ideal, but better than nothing. Just google liveperson or online therapists.