Realized That Self-blame Is A Coping Strategy - Question

[littlelostchild]

I had an 'a ha' today that my self-blame was a coping strategy. When you are 7 years old and the adults are abusing you, you can't blame them (it can't compute in your mind that your protectors are inherently bad), so it must be you. This badness and self-blame has had a massive impact on all aspects of my life, but if it is a coping strategy, it can be 'unlearned', or a better strategy can replace it. Not easy, true, but possible.

How do you unlearn this strategy 44 years later? Any thoughts?

 

[Sally sue]

Ooooo, I would love to know that too! Although, I don't have any answers, I certainly feel your pain :(

Sally Sue

 

[Changing4Best]

I wrote a letter of forgiveness to that person, even though he was/is dead. I wrote it as if he were in Heaven, because only God knows who belongs in heaven. In forgiving the person, I placed the responsibility back on his shoulders, not mine. It was a HUGE relief.

I am 59, and I think I did this at about age 55.

 

[Meadowsweet]

A good book is 'rescuing the Inner Child' by Penny Parks. It gives some understanding about how childhood sexual abuse effects us. But it also gives some practical tasks to do, to help change the self image.

One I found helpful was to write (as the adult I am) to the child. It's not a quick one letter and then it's over. it's opening up communication with the child, and trying to build a trusting relationship with her to reach a point where the child can write about her thoughts and feelings, or about what happened, and you, as an adult, can explain the adult view of what happened to her, give reassurance, treat her kindly etc.

 

[Loner]

Well the first step is recognizing that it was just a coping strategy and not a reflection of who you are. If you tell yourself that every time you find yourself practicing self hatred it will take the edge off it.

 

[shell]

I wrote journals to the child me, and by treating her the way I would my own child, and thinking how I would feel if someone had treated my child that way, was able to learn to rethink the self blame, self hatred and then learning to stop the self critical attacks.

Be kind, campassionate, supportive and caring.

No child deserves to be abused, most abusers blame the child, and it's never their fault.

A lot of feelings come up as you start to change your beliefs, because it's only then you truly grieve for just how horrible it was, when the self protections no longer in place to protect you. It took over a year of journalling, because it's not just changing what you believe, I had to keep working on it until I could feel it too. It's really worth the effort.

 

[Lucycat]

How do you unlearn this strategy 44 years later? Any thoughts?

Now you have acknowledged the reality you are halfway there. You need to challenge every automatic negative thought. Every one. Judge it and see if it is real or a self-blame-coping-strategy. It is hard work and there will be times that you just can't do it. But it gets easier the more you do it.

 

[littlelostchild]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. Challenging the automatic negative thoughts is homework and my husband is helping with that - and it is hard, exhausting work, but also helpful, Lucycat.

Shell, the feeling really does hurt right now. I have been shut down for so long that emotional pain is so foreign and scary.

Loner it was so huge to realize that it was just a way to cope, not the definition of me. I am really trying to remember this.

Meadowsweet I will look up that book. Sheila, I hope to be able to forgive some day. Thanks for your kind thoughts Sally.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

For so many years of my life I lived with the horrors of false guilt blaming myself.

Slowly and a lot of practice and hard work I have been able to put the past back where it belongs in the past.

I wasted so many years of my life being so hard on myself.

I wish I knew back then what I have learned now.

The responsibility and guilt and blame now lies with my abusers not me.

I really like myself now and realize that I have a duty to be kind to me from now on so I can thrive.

I understand the pain, been there, done that.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I loved the way you worded this! I feel like that's something I so understand and relate to! Thank you so much for posting!

These 'aha' moments make me feel more normal at least!

 

[shimmerz]

Whenever I went into the 'you are stupid' etc etc mode, I pictured speaking those words to my sons when they were little. Or imagined myself saying it to someone I loved face to face. I would never speak to anyone like that - so I used imagery and it was very effective. I rarely put myself down anymore - blame myself. I am kind. It has helped a ton.

 

[anthony]

How do you unlearn this strategy 44 years later? Any thoughts?

Well... you started by having your 'ah ha' moment, well done.

Now you've had that, and now you're cognisant of what to look for with self-blame versus putting blame where it belongs, you can now take situation by situation, analyse, and then confirm to yourself that the blame is at the feet of all rightful persons, and not solely yourself, unless of course you own the blame legitimately.

Well done... the change comes from doing the above, for every situation where blame is assigned. It takes time.